So I agreed to something stupid

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Nov 9, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Well, one of difficult child's friends is homeless. They have been hinting for quite a while that she needs some place to stay. I won't go into the back story right now, but I finally agreed to let her stay. I set up a time for her to come tomorrow and talk to me. I really do not feel like for her to stay here at all, but I can not see this girl out in the street. She is in dire straights. I purposely said no for the past week (where as before, I would have easily let her stay with me because I am a door mat), but tonight I saw her, and she is on the brink. She is a difficult child too just in a different way (spoiled rich girl) from my difficult child, but at least she really respects me and that is the only reason why I am considering it. I know for a fact that she will not purposely cause trouble here and will be on her best behavior.

    My plan is to tell her two weeks at the most, that is for certain (hoping only for a few days). Most of all, she better appreciate what I am doing for her and I am the type of person who keeps track of what I do for people because if I ever need a favor, I expect to have the favored returned.

    Oh man, I feel so don't feel like having another person here. It's the LAST thing that I want, things are hard here too. My difficult child told her that at least. difficult child told friend "it's no different at my house, so don't expect too much. Mom has a lot of rules and we are going through our own stuff". So at least there's that.

    During the talk I have with her tomorrow, I want her to be honest with me, that is so important.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, my very best friend ever, truly a saint of a woman, died very young. She was only 50 and had fought cancer for ten years. But during her abbreviated, healthy years she had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. She could not say "no" to a stranger. She had seven children (two adopted) and her grown kids still worship her. Her biological kids had various disabilities, especially AHD and autistic spectrum, but s he was their biggest advocate and not one of them didn't feel loved and cared for nor did any of them ever disrespect her or end up in trouble.Honestly, every single child of hers, adopted ones included, seem to have hearts of gold. It's like her goodness wore off on all of them.

    However, as kind as she was, she and her fantastic, sweet husband learned a lesson later in her life about always saying "yes." She was the type who took in everyone. They lived in a big old house with lots of room (the house had once been a church) and everyone stayed with her at one time if they knew her. I stayed with her for three weeks when 37 was in the hospital because she lived right near the hospital and I was an hour away. She never wanted a dime, although I gave it to her.

    But...she did get jaded. Some of the people she helped, stole from her and ran off. Or they did drugs in her house. Or they snuck in scary people and the police ended up at her house. Just before she got sick, she told me that she was done letting anyone stay with her. Even her family had abused her kindness, bringing their pets who peed and pooped on the floor (and she is allergic to dogs and cats). She learned by experience. She toughened up a lot. That did not take her kind heart away. She just had a better grasp of reality and stronger sense of being good to herself. And then she got sick. And I still miss her dearly. I don't think I'd have to be on this forum if she were still alive. We truly shared everything and...well, I still do talk to her. I know she's listening too.

    I just wanted to share this with you. Being unable to say no is usually not helpful to the person who is unable to do it, but it does indicate a kind heart and, in time, if it bites ya in the buttoski enough, I believe you'll learn to turn people down as well.

    Hoping that the stay is short and sweet.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I get what you're saying MWM, and you're absolutely right. I am regretting it so bad now as we speak and having anxiety about it on top of it. However, I am getting there (being able to say no to people) because I did say flat out no for a while about her coming to stay here, which I never did before. It was always a fast yes (to others) , without any questions or expectations. So the fact that I said no, and stood firm about it until now, shows them that I am more serious than before about everything, and what my new rules are. Hopefully there will be positives instead of negatives that come out of this, or just a wash. It's just when I seen her tonight, dirty , lost at least 10 pounds and looking at me, dying for me to say "ok, get in the car, I'll take you home", just broke my heart. But at least I did drive away. It was on the drive home that I said "ok, she can stay with us....under these conditions...." basically. Before I would have said "oh baby girl, get in the car, I'll take care of you!" So baby steps to not being a doormat , right?
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, yep. We don't usually go from doormat to being able to take good care of ourselves in one day :) I was a doormat too, just not as extreme as my friend. But I also think it shows your compassion, and that will bode well for you in the coming years. I believe even your daughter will come to appreciate that one day. There are so many cold, unfeeling people and you are not one of them. You will one day find a good balance, but you will never be cold and unfeeling. Don't beat yourself up. That's a good thing.

    Maybe she won't even show up. You never kn ow with these difficult children.
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Aww, thank you MWM, that really touched my heart

    Again, thank you. You have no idea how much your words just helped me now and I don't think you even realize how much I truly mean that. I actually feel is rare that someones words can instantly make me feel better.

    Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you must have been reading my mind and my hopes from way over there in the Mid West.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2014
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hehe. Well, you know how erratic these difficult children are. You never know :)

    Glad I made you feel better, but it's true.
  7. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    So difficult child friend came, she didn't change her mind. Things must be really bad at home because this is the first time she ever left/been thrown out in her life. She came here at 9:00 pm , we talked, set some rules, but she was talking so much , I couldn't get a word in edge wise. I chalked it up to her being nervous. However, I did lay the rules down and that's all I really needed to do. Just listening to her talk makes me realize how young teens really are. They truly don't know anything and teens are a different species from the human race and of course, I was the same way when I was a teen, which is scary lol. So, things are good so far.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I remember reading somewhere, can't find it now, that in some cultures, teens are the most despised. Elders do not even speak to them and they are not allowed to speak to the elders. I always thought that was a hoot because it's so true.

    And if I am honest with myself, I am done with these years, man. Wow, very, very hard , hard years and that is an understatement of the century.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wishing you peace GM, you so deserve it........
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I wish you luck. On the up side, you are moving, so it can't possibly be long-term. ;) We let one of our son's kids move in with us for a semester of high school. It wasn't good, but it was months and we were dealing with drugs/drinking and school. So a couple of weeks should be child's play. Fingers crossed.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In denfense of teens, I heard a really good supposed expert talk about about 80% of all teens do not cause thier parents undue problems and are good young people who don't break the law. I believe it. I know tons of good teens who are really on their ways too good lives. And I've had PCs and difficult children.

    We just got "blessed" with some of the difficult teens. And many will continue to be problematic in years to come. I can't pick on teens as a whole. I've had some awesome teens and they pick awesome teens as friends. Teens as a whole get a bad rap for the 20% minority who cause problems.

    Any country that automatically shuns anyone of any age is not someplace I'd like to live. Thank God I don't live there.