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General Parenting
So I read The Explosive Child...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 417308" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It sounds like you put the chance of a talk, in Basket C. End result - no meltdown. BUT - you didn't have the talk. Question - would he have been receptive? If you had tried to talk and he clearly became unresponsive, then the talk goes back in Basket C - you stop. But you revisit it when he can handle it, when he is calm, at a later time.</p><p></p><p>You should not feel downtrodden, but in some ways others may perceive you to become a doormat. You are not a doormat if you have found a way to get your point across at some level, to a greater extent than you were able to before. Baby steps.</p><p></p><p>The fact tat you skipped the talk and just sat with him clearly calmed him down. He will remember this at some level and next time there will be a (maybe barely perceptible) drop in anxiety/arousal level when you are there (depending, of course, on other factors). Your first job is to learn to read him, to understand what calms him and what upsets him, and try to balance it out. Your next step is to use this information to work him towards what you want form him, at a level he can handle. You leave the stuff tat is beyond him and choose two or three things to try, but back off from him melting down preferably before it happens. And as you both get better at it, you can begin to put in place some simple plans and agreements. But again - if they look like failing, then let them go. While it is good to not fail, it is best to not engage in a possible failure in the first place.</p><p></p><p>Next time you meet, ask him about Scooby Doo, ask him what he thought about some aspect of the film. Use it as a conversation point. Get his opinion. Value his opinion. It will help him realise that the time you sat together was important to you too.</p><p></p><p>Be gentle on yourself. This is not your fault. But you have the capacity to begin the process of change. it is exponential - starts slowly. Give it time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 417308, member: 1991"] It sounds like you put the chance of a talk, in Basket C. End result - no meltdown. BUT - you didn't have the talk. Question - would he have been receptive? If you had tried to talk and he clearly became unresponsive, then the talk goes back in Basket C - you stop. But you revisit it when he can handle it, when he is calm, at a later time. You should not feel downtrodden, but in some ways others may perceive you to become a doormat. You are not a doormat if you have found a way to get your point across at some level, to a greater extent than you were able to before. Baby steps. The fact tat you skipped the talk and just sat with him clearly calmed him down. He will remember this at some level and next time there will be a (maybe barely perceptible) drop in anxiety/arousal level when you are there (depending, of course, on other factors). Your first job is to learn to read him, to understand what calms him and what upsets him, and try to balance it out. Your next step is to use this information to work him towards what you want form him, at a level he can handle. You leave the stuff tat is beyond him and choose two or three things to try, but back off from him melting down preferably before it happens. And as you both get better at it, you can begin to put in place some simple plans and agreements. But again - if they look like failing, then let them go. While it is good to not fail, it is best to not engage in a possible failure in the first place. Next time you meet, ask him about Scooby Doo, ask him what he thought about some aspect of the film. Use it as a conversation point. Get his opinion. Value his opinion. It will help him realise that the time you sat together was important to you too. Be gentle on yourself. This is not your fault. But you have the capacity to begin the process of change. it is exponential - starts slowly. Give it time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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