I don't know how to parent difficult child. I really don't. I have tried every which way. I have tried everything every therapist along the way has offered. I have spent endless days and nights racking my brain, trying to figure out what she needs, how to fulfill it, how to comfort her, how to help her. And it all comes down to: I don't know. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things, she flips another switch. I am so incredibly protective of her....so painfully aware of her pain, fear, struggles....that I feel I have to protect her. And then I wonder if I'm enabling. But, I don't know what else to do. The medications so far are having minimal effect. We d/c the remeron today after a 13 pound weight gain in a month. She started doxepin tonight for sleep. She's taking celexa 30mg, as well. The panic attacks are less. But, I think after so many years of this it has become ingrained. Learned behavior. Maladaptive coping skills. Fear so deeply embedded it seems impossible to overcome. She's again hearing and seeing things that aren't there. The thought of an AP terrifies me because of the cholesterol side effects and she's high risk for heart disease. But, which is worse? And now, her stomach issues are worse than ever. It started when everything started to spiral in January. Now, we are trying to figure out if medications are exacerbating it, and if so which one(s). She never feels good. We went out to dinner tonight. We sat at a booth. By the end of dinner she was sick and having a panic attack. There were people in both booths on either side of us. She was feeling trapped and claustrophobic. I changed places with her so she was sitting on the end and she lied her head down on the table and tried her best to cope. I have failed her in so many ways. I honestly do not know if she will ever be able to live on her own. And I don't know how to help her.