So, I've moved beyond numb...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm not ready to say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely melancholy. I was up all night...just feeling sad, needing some kind of connection that I can't even articulate, let alone find.

    I'm beginning to feel like I'm never going to get my life back. So, the physical health stuff is being dealt with, but I just feel beaten down. Before the event, I had SIGNIFICANT cognitive dulling. While it's much better now (read: I don't get lost in my own neighborhood anymore :slap: ), I'm not back to normal. My attention span is short. My memory is awful...I lose whole days. I can't concentrate. Things that used to be second nature now require deliberate thought. I've searched and haven't been able to find a single thing regarding CAD and cognitive dulling (except as related to bypass surgery which I didn't have). I see my regular doctor tomorrow and I'm going to discuss it with her. If I remember. :crazy2:

    To top it off, I had a falling out with my closest friend 2 weeks ago. I don't get close to people easily at all. She was the only person I had that I even came close to sharing things with. There are other people that I associate with, but it's different. And, no, there is no fixing the friendship.

    I'm beginning to feel like giving up or giving in and that is just not me. I've had enough. I don't want anymore. I'm tired of fighting. I quit. I need a break.

    On the plus side, my kids have been wonderful. They have helped me in so many ways.

    Thanks for letting me whine. I just needed to get it out.
     
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Commune sounding better??? I am so sad that you are struggling so hard with health. and friends.

    When I lost one of my "good" friends it was hard I have one really close friend left. I too have a hard time at this point in my life building close relationships, I think I could with another parent of a difficult child.
    It was hard but I realised she was too much energy. and she would never get it and always left me questioning my parenting and feeling like poop...
    SHe was selfish. But she didn't have kids. So I had to move on. I get sad and lonely at times but this is my life for now...
    and this to shall pass...
    I try to think that when I feel beat down. I am sure you have been feeling like that lately. It seems like all you are doing is fighting... for one thing or another.
    Hang in there girl... you are worth it and we like having you around here and won't turn away from you !!!
     
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I've had times like this in my life too. Right now, today, I just want to get away from the noise of kids. My husband asked what was wrong earlier, because in my words, I was being witchy with a B. Nothing is wrong really, at least I can't pinpoint anything, I just am in a funk.

    I'm so sorry you lost your closest friend. I lost one years ago because of her telling me she didn't agree with the way I parent. My kids don't behave like hers, even my difficult children are better than her kids, but she didn't like my parenting. I decided I wasn't going to say anything back to her about her own children and her parenting, I would just tell her I was done listening to her tell me how bad I was. I did stop listening, but now we don't speak. I have another friend I haven't seen in months that I saw not to long ago, that also chose to tell me how wrong I am for my parenting. How sending my kids outside is wrong, its too hot. Its about 80-85 degrees here lately, but I'm awful for making mine go outside to roam around. There are some things in any relationship that you just can't be okay with. I love my kids and for a friend to tell me how awful I am or judge me when they don't handle their own children or have kids who don't have problems and assume they know whats right for me, its just too much for me.

    I understand how you're feeling right now. I think Totoro is right though, this too shall pass. Just try to keep your head above water for now and keep coming back here for support. If you need anything, just to vent, whatever, I'm happy to listen, well, read. : ) I hope things start looking up soon for you.
     
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh big, big hugs............I so know how you feel! I was just having the same conversation with myself about my lack of friendships, and how I needed to do something about it!

    Hang in there......tomorrow will be better. Are you on any sort of anti-depressants that might help with the dulling? There is also Provigil that is supposed to enhance cognitive functioning. Then again...it could just be the stress of all you have been through, and are going through, that is causing the problems.

    Hang in there, and I will be thinking of you.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heather,
    I'm sorry for the break up with your friends. I know it's hard to lose a friend. I'm glad you have an appointment with your doctor tomorrow-maybe she can be of help. I'm glad your kids are being helpful. Remember we are here for you-you are not alone. Hugs. :flower:
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank goodness the kids have been good!

    Write yourself a note or 6 notes, heck write it on your hand - just be sure to ask the doctor tomorrow!!!! It is important!

    I hope you are feeling better soonest.
     
  7. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    You sound like I have been several times. I know what you mean.
    Lexapro really helped me. Talk to your doctor and hopefully it will help.

    Steph
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Sweetie,

    You have been heavy on my mind. Looks like 2007 has been a bear for a few of us. I am so very sorry.

    Try this. (I just did it). Write down a list of the events that have occured in 2007 that have been difficult. Just a general list. Read it. Having it written in black and white sometimes takes the power out of it. Then, either rip it up, or burn it, or shred it...your choice. Very symbolic. Then, write a list of good things that have happened this year. Use cheerful colors to write this (I used Tink's markers) and keep it to look at.

    Yeah, it's corny. No, it won't solve your problems. I SOOOOO understand what you mean about feeling like you will not have your life back. For me, this summer has been spent in my house, in bed, in front of the A/C. That's about it. I go nowhere. I have alienated friends, because I don't feel like talking to anyone. I have nothing worthwhile to add to any conversation. So I avoid phone calls. When I finished writing those things up, it was all I could do not to think to myself "yeah right, but I am still a loser with a brat for a kid". That is not the point. One day at a time. 10 minutes at a time if you have to.

    ((((hugs)))) and prayers.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending you warm and gentle hugs. :flower:
     
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Heather! I think everyone's got the "purple funk" going on lately.

    Write yourself a note to discuss these feelings with the doctor. I was talking to a friend of mine who's a dr. and mentioned your history (physical) and that you were on a "slew of medications" and she recommended that you write down every single bit of medication down to athletes foot spray, the doseages and the milligrams on the same page as every single one of your physical complaints (including the forgetfulness, getting lost, motivation, etc.) and hand a copy over to your dr. If you still have the sheets that discuss the side effects of your medications, check those out as well. You could be that unique .001% of people that have a certain type of reaction to some type of medication. If you are filling different prescriptions at different pharmacys they wouldn't know if there might be drug interactions as well.

    I'm sorry you're going through all this...I've lost not only my best friend, but 2 of my sisters (one was one of my favorite people on this earth!) due to infighting within our family. It truly stinks!

    Keeping you in mind and heart (please let us know the follow up from the doctor)!

    Beth
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Heather, I am so sorry.

    by the way, don't assume that there's no going back with-your friend. I had a falling out last yr, for the first time, with-a friend I've known for 16 yrs. Considering our differences, it's amazing we hadn't had a falling out b4 then. Eg, she was a deputy sheriff/bailiff, ran a tight schedule in the courtroom, wore the same uniform and carried a gun for 20 yrs, mistrusted everyone and everything. I was a writer and artist on a "whatever" schedule, wore anything I wanted, (usually covered with-paint), and thought everyone was a good guy. She has no children, I have two. She is divorced, I am married.
    You get the idea.
    Our falling out was mostly the result of her perception that I was taking advantage of her, taking her for granted, and was always late. Yes, I do tend to run late. My favorite clock is circular, has a pile of numbers at the bottom, and at the top, says, "Whatever."
    She HATES that clock.
    She offered to help me paint a mural at a restaurant. She did the large background colors, I did the actual artwork. She did 6 coats of varnish on top of everything. She was a great help and great company.
    One day, I forgot that I said I'd be there at 9 a.m. She showed up, waited, got mad, left. (I had a key and the door was locked.)
    I left a msg on her machine that was somewhat nonsensical, only partially realizing that I was supposed to have been there... I really needed to call to confirm.
    It was my fault.

    However, there were 2 other instances where we had misundertandings, and instead of telling me, she let it ride. She got madder and madder and eventually exploded.

    I was treated to silence.
    And then, a very nasty, very long email that broke my heart.
    I cried for 3 days.

    I still cry when I think about it. I may be stupid but I'm not mean. She was accusatory and vindictive and said things that she still regrets.
    Which I happen to know ... because we made up.

    It took a month but we did it.

    Give it some time.

    If there's one thing you need in life, it's friends. Especially when you have a difficult child.

    Other than that, Heather, I hear you on every level. Oh, God, I heard you. It is SO hard and we get SO down.

    Hang in there. You're not alone.
     
  12. loricbme

    loricbme New Member

    This amazes me. Ever since having difficult child many of my friendships have deteriorated. I thought it was mostly due to them not having kids. None of my friends have kids. But as time moved on I started thinking it may have something to do with difficult child. We have had problems with-difficult child for the past 3 years and I never spoke about problems with friends till the past two weeks. One of my friends had an "aha" moment. How would they have really known my problems and dilemma? They never called to chat, when I called them to do something it always ended up being a group thing and there was never any one on one time with anyone. One of my "friends" is so rigid and controlling that she can't stand it when her husband does laundry any day except Saturday. It's not laundry day, how could he be doing laundry??? Hello, if someone is doing my laundry, I don't care what day of the week it is. My friend who had the "aha" moment has a best friend with a difficult child with-aspergers. So she really got it when I told her about problems. It was a huge relief for me. Right now I just take it day by day. My husband used to think it was all in my head till this summer when he witnessed it first hand and said he was sorry and that he wouldn't ever pressure me to call controlling friend. I said thank you. If a friend can't be there for you in rough times then they're no friend. That's when you need one the most. It's harder to make friends when we're older too.
     
  13. Mrs Smith

    Mrs Smith New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: wyntersgrace</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I'm not ready to say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely melancholy. I was up all night...just feeling sad, needing some kind of connection that I can't even articulate, let alone find.</div></div>

    I feel the same way - you said it so perfectly.
     
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ladies, thank you for the ear and support. :flower:

    totoro - I've always said that my idea of roughing it includes a mint on my pillow, so I don't think I would deal well with commune life. :rofl:

    AllStressedOut - Thank you for your words. I hope you're feeling better soon.

    WeepingWillow - I am on lexapro 20mg. It has worked wonderfully for me. In fact, I think it's the only reason I'm not in a full blown depression right now.

    Sharon - thank you for the hugs and the ear.

    Wend - I did write a note and stuck it to my purse.

    Stella - Isn't lexapro wonderful?

    BBK - You're so sweet to keep me in your thoughts with all you're going through. You are NOT a loser. Don't even say that. With everything you've been through you still find the energy to offer a shoulder and support to others.

    Lisa - Thank you for the hugs.

    nvts - Thank you for thinking of me and for talking to your doctor friend. That was so sweet of you. I do have all my medications listed down with the dosing instructions along with drug allergies and my doctor has them. (I also wear a medical ID bracelet that says where to find that information in case of emergency.) I do seem to be that .001% of people - or close to it. My mom calls me the "it almost never happens" patient. :rolleyes:

    Terry - Thank you for your words. I'm glad you and your friend worked things out.

    lori - I'm glad husband finally understands. Some friendships are just toxic and better left alone.

    Josie - (((hugs))) Hang in there.

    Well, we only got so far at the doctor today. My pulse was low - it was 48 and normal is between 60 and 70. They had doubled my beta blocker with the last hospital admission and I am just not tolerating it well. I was on a low dose to begin with. I'm just sensitive to medications. So, my doctor told me to go back to my original dose and wants to see me again on Tuesday. It kind of makes me nervous because they doubled it to better manage the heart disease, but if I can't tolerate the medications, then what? I'm doing what I'm supposed to with diet and exercise and other risk factors, but genetics is playing a big role here. I'm trying not to borrow trouble and just doing one day at a time.

    I do have an appointment tomorrow (Friday) with a new therapist for just me. Hopefully that goes well.

    The falling out with my friend was not over kids. In fact, she has always been close to my difficult child and is the mother of GFGII (my second son). It is just a big difference in values that I was not aware of before and is something I can't live with. Something that goes against everything I believe. I'm not angry with her or anything like that. I'm disappointed, I guess you could say, and I'm surprised because it's not what I would have expected. I hope that doesn't sound self-righteous because it's not. I laid awake nights with my stomach literally in knots over it. I wrestled with it for a while and just couldn't do it anymore. I wish things were different, but they aren't so it is what it is.

    Thank you for letting me getting this out. This board is so wonderful.
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good luck with-all your medication issues, Heather. What a mess.
    So sorry about your friend. Really.
     
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    So, I found an article that may explain the cognitive dulling. I printed it off and am going to take it with me to the doctor on Tuesday.

    I saw the new therapist today and I really like her. I see her again next Friday.
     
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Good!!! I am glad you like the new doctor!!!! Glad that you are seeing her again so quickly. Did she help?

    I am the mint on the pillow kind of gal also!!! At times. I could last in a commune maybe 3 days??? I like camping and all, but knowing I can come home makes it all the more fun!!!

    I am happy for you Heather, hang in there.
     
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