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So little ambition
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 292336"><p>Nancy, I think you are doing well.</p><p> </p><p>You can only do so much. You can not assume responsibilities that are hers to assume.</p><p> </p><p>Sure, your daughter might at times be angry with you and throw guilt your way if you set up some boundaries. She might resist and self destruct. However, sometimes when others see that you are serious, THEY start to change. </p><p> </p><p>I think what is very hard for us moms on a multitude of levels, is that when we put up boundaries and the kids hesitate to accept them, there is a sense of loss. </p><p> </p><p>The kids, in this case, adult kids, hurt. They hurt because they feel loss. They hurt because they are making bad choices. They hurt because the are confused. They hurt because they are disorganized and out of touch.</p><p> </p><p>If you have invested a lot of time in them and love them, it will be difficult for you to watch all this. And adding to the complexity, you are not sure how their poor choices might affect you.</p><p> </p><p>However, if you do more of the same...keep your boundaries clear.....their poor choices will either affect you in a limited way or not at all.</p><p> </p><p>Boundaries are needed for your benefit and that of your child. This goes double for an adult child.</p><p> </p><p>If you have been unintentionally enabling them, whatever point that you decide to set up some boundaries, might be the point that you quietly (or sometimes not so quietly) cause them to be aware that they need to be responsible young adults.</p><p> </p><p>I like that you have a plan "B." Do not let your child blame you. Let her develop a sense of good, morale character. Let her look in the mirror. She is fortunate to have caring mom. Nothing more. A caring mom. Not one that does things that she can do for herself. AND if plan B goes into effect. do NOT show emotion. Do NOT have guilt, blame yourself, get angry, react...nada. It is what it is. Period. </p><p> </p><p>There is a chance that at some point you will feel more "stings" in this process. Develop YOUR talents and gifts. You have done plenty. Do not feel an ounce of guilt. Take pride. Lean on loved ones that have given back to you. Lean on this group here and any others that you might find that are helpful. (like FA, etc.). </p><p> </p><p>You might provide some limited assistance for your difficult child (for now), assuming she is willing to be an active participant in her life and is respectful to you and assuming that it is not a hardship, but please do not go overboard. I hope you can accept that you can not make choices for her that she needs to make for herself. No child learns when there are not clear boundaries. We really have to teach them to be independent. Your child should be on the fast track toward total independence.</p><p> </p><p>I very much like what you said...this is up to her. It really is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 292336"] Nancy, I think you are doing well. You can only do so much. You can not assume responsibilities that are hers to assume. Sure, your daughter might at times be angry with you and throw guilt your way if you set up some boundaries. She might resist and self destruct. However, sometimes when others see that you are serious, THEY start to change. I think what is very hard for us moms on a multitude of levels, is that when we put up boundaries and the kids hesitate to accept them, there is a sense of loss. The kids, in this case, adult kids, hurt. They hurt because they feel loss. They hurt because they are making bad choices. They hurt because the are confused. They hurt because they are disorganized and out of touch. If you have invested a lot of time in them and love them, it will be difficult for you to watch all this. And adding to the complexity, you are not sure how their poor choices might affect you. However, if you do more of the same...keep your boundaries clear.....their poor choices will either affect you in a limited way or not at all. Boundaries are needed for your benefit and that of your child. This goes double for an adult child. If you have been unintentionally enabling them, whatever point that you decide to set up some boundaries, might be the point that you quietly (or sometimes not so quietly) cause them to be aware that they need to be responsible young adults. I like that you have a plan "B." Do not let your child blame you. Let her develop a sense of good, morale character. Let her look in the mirror. She is fortunate to have caring mom. Nothing more. A caring mom. Not one that does things that she can do for herself. AND if plan B goes into effect. do NOT show emotion. Do NOT have guilt, blame yourself, get angry, react...nada. It is what it is. Period. There is a chance that at some point you will feel more "stings" in this process. Develop YOUR talents and gifts. You have done plenty. Do not feel an ounce of guilt. Take pride. Lean on loved ones that have given back to you. Lean on this group here and any others that you might find that are helpful. (like FA, etc.). You might provide some limited assistance for your difficult child (for now), assuming she is willing to be an active participant in her life and is respectful to you and assuming that it is not a hardship, but please do not go overboard. I hope you can accept that you can not make choices for her that she needs to make for herself. No child learns when there are not clear boundaries. We really have to teach them to be independent. Your child should be on the fast track toward total independence. I very much like what you said...this is up to her. It really is. [/QUOTE]
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