So Much For A Quiet Sunday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    This morning the easy child, difficult child, and I spent some time putting together the gingerbread houses and trees from the kits that I bought. After they were done, they both went off the play, then came down for lunch. A little while later difficult child comes down and says to me, "I'm sorry for anything that I did today, oh wise and loving mother wh loves us all the best." I'm being buttered up for something so I ask him what he wants. He wants me to take him to the toy store. I tell him no. It's three weeks before Christmas and he should not be buying anything now. "But, what I want to buy is something that I didn't even ask anyone for!" husband and I both tell him no. So he asks if he can call Gram (mother in law) and ask her if she'll take him. Again, I told him no, that we said he can't go to the toy store. Then he starts in with "This is when I think you don't love me!" and "You're tearing apart everything that about our relationship that we've worked on building in the last few weeks! You're doing it, Mom. Not me!" Again, he is told no.

    That starts the scraming tantrum. husband tells him to go to his room and cool off and he refuses. He looks at husband and says, "What? Are you going to make me? What are you going to do about it?" husband took him under his arms and I took his feet and we carried him to his room and told him to stay there. A few minutes later he came down and asked if he could go in the backyard. husband told him that he could. Next thing we know, he has his pillow, Beyblades, laptop and his bag full of stuff in his red wagon and is pulling the wagon across the yard towards the gate. We go out the front (where he is stunned to see us watching him) and I ask him where he thinks he's going. He says that he wants to calm down. I told him that was fine. If he wanted to calm down, then calm down, but I told him he had better not leave that yard or there will be consequences. He's standing by the end of the driveway and my neighbor across the street sees him and asks him what he's doing. The neighbor comes to talk to him and gets him to sit on the front porch and it trying to tell him that he's really lucky to have the parents that he has. There is a roof over his head and clothes on his back and food on his table. difficult child's response was that he didn't care.

    I'm not sure what the neighbor said to him, but now he pulled his wagon back to the back yard and put everything in the shed, where he is sitting and sulking now. He can stay out there all he wants. At least I know where he is.

    This is nonsense that I hate. When he doesn't get his way is when the whole, "No one loves me" card comes out (can we say manipulation?). I've told this to the therapist, but he doesn't see that part. "He needs to feel safe" the therapist says. So, going to the toy store is what he needs to feel safe? Give me a break!!
     
  2. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    He's sulking because he didn't get his way. He's using his tantrum as manipulation... But you know that already!
    Hugs Momma... Sorry about your Sunday!
     
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I think this happens to us too. Seems like there probably is some part of the Nobody loves me thing in there, at least at first. But now it is really his favorite go to tool to get what he wants. It got lots of response so it is natural that he is gonna milk it for all it is worth. So, next step, if therapist can SEE it llike you do, is to go through the difference. To help him to learn different statements when he is into that preschool, I want it I want it I want it, mode. Emotional blackmail wont work. In my house, the rage and aggression was first from medications, now the "threat" of it (he doesn't go there so I know it is not the real deal) seems more learned. Just to get his way when I say no. Very immature behavior and showing a real lack of skills to deal with frustration.

    I like that, just sit in the shed, actually probably a much better coping mechanism. Hope there is nothing you dont want ruined or that he can hurt himself with in there, sigh. I hate that mode where you are trying to act like what they are doing doesn't bother you at all (never let em see you sweat mode) but you have to pay attention because they really could do something dumb and you have to go into rapid response mode.... yuck.
     
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Bunny--

    Ugh! What a day you are having!

    In my opinion, the therapist needs to work with your difficult child on how to handle the word "No." difficult child needs to learn that "No" does not equal "I hate you.".

    As to how to do that? I wish I knew... For years, our difficult child told people that we were "abusive" parents because we only had one kind of ice cream in the fridge. When their thinking is that skewed, it's hard to know how to reach them...
     
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    DF, oh that is good. Q flat out told the intake people at the hospital, when they asked why he was there, Because I beat up my mom (not really true but while we were restraining him he did try to fight me, but not why he was put inpatient at that time, it was the medication--all he knew was how he felt) ...

    so she asked why he got so mad? She wont let me play with my friends whenever I want. She makes me come in. She .... on and on the things he hates about life, thinks no other parent in the world has rules. Just wants immediate gratification.
     
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    He came back and thanked him for letting him calm down, then started right back up again. You won't take me to the toy store and that makes me feel like you don't love me. I want to live at Gram's house. I would rather die than have to stay here because you don't love me. Oh, brother! I think I liked it better when he was sulking in the shed!

    A few weeks ago he bought Microsoft points for his X-box and at that time we told him that he was not getting any more points for the rest of the year. So he started telling me that he wanted to buy more points at that time, but he was afraid to tell us that. He thought that we would beat him up (GRRRRRR!!!!!! Like we've EVER beaten him up!). So, husband and I told him that he could buy as many points as he had enough money for (which, we told him, was what he should have done when he bought points the last time) and then that's it. He's done until Christmas.

    He has no therapist appointment this week (bwtween easy child's hockey playoffs and difficult child's orchestra concert and me going out with friends one night there was no good night for anyone), but you can bet that I will be marking this down as a topic of conversation when we go. I'm so done with this crap.
     
  7. rdland

    rdland New Member

    Ugh! I get this too! Every professional we have seen about TFT issues he has to tell them how mean his mommy is and I am the meanest mommy in world. (all with the sad facial expressions to match) EACH time I have sat back and when he is done talking they start with the "what does your mommy do to make her mean!" He will then start in with, won't let me stay up late, won't buy me xyz toy, makes me clean up my toys and so forth! At that point I always get a slight smile from them while they explain that is not mean. Seriously, it feels like groundhogs day each time.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bunny,
    I hope the rest of the day went better. (((hugs)))
     
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