So much for computer privileges ... it didn't work

[TerryJ2]

I was going to post about 3 days ago because after a mo, we allowed difficult child back on his sister's computer. She's got Internet but my computer is the server.
I was hoping that he'd calm down, quit pestering me, and not sneak into her room at night. Several people here posted to me that I should allow difficult child a little bit of computer time a day to get it out of his system. Take something away from someone and they want it even more.
Wrong.
First, I noticed that a drawer in the bathroom was opened about an inch one a.m., when I remembered cleaning up and neatening things the night b4. Inside the drawer were 2 screwdrivers. Nah, couldn't be.
Same thing the next night.
difficult child has been very well behaved, and has done extra chores to earn extra time on the computer. I have been allowing him 1 hr.
Last night, around 11:30, behind my closed eyelids, I saw a flash. No thunder. Opened my eyes ... no rain. Got up, tried daughter's door (she is camping). It is locked. Check difficult child's bed. No difficult child.
Not again.
Run back to bedroom to retrieve keys, run back into hall and bump into difficult child, just exiting easy child's bedroom.
"I was just getting the cat!"
"Right."
When he's guilty, he gets mean. He got right in my face.
I called him a liar. Couldn't help it. It's true.
I took the mouse, keyboard, and hard drive in the case and locked them in my office.
The next time difficult child gets a computer, it will be with-o Internet, for school only.
Give him an inch ...
I don't know what makes me think he'll change.
I'm really tired this a.m., because I didn't get to sleep until about 12:30, and the handyman was here at 7 a.m. I just hate babysitting a 13-yr-old.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Oh, Terry. Sorry.

I'm pretty protective over my computer when it comes to Son and I very rarely let him use it because then he just expects me to hand it over when ever. He mostly goes to my Moms for one hour on her computer (she's pretty strict with him) and I just have to give the word to have those privileges yanked.

Well, if anything, you tried it.

 

[Tezzie]

Terry,

Sounds like our house. We have a set-up so that we can identify what times difficult child can access the computer. He can work with any of the programs on the hard drive but the only internet access he has are to the websites we allow (5 I think). Any other sites he tries show up as blocked. We also get a list of the sites he's tried. This gives him some access, when we say & where we know he will be safe.. Been using it for years. Just a thought.

Tezzie

 

[LostSF]

Sorry to hear about this. It's the same thing with my SD -- we give her a little bit of slack (e.g., like getting back on the Internet), she behaves for a little while... and then back to her old habits.

My apologies if you're already doing this, but have you thought about putting a password on each of your computers (at login)? We've got passwords set up on my laptop, wife's laptop and even on our Wii's Internet access. That way she only gets on the computer (whether its for Internet or not) when we let her on. We even go so far as to say "look away" and make sure she does before we put the password in. Without those I'm sure she'd be using the Internet all the time when we're out of sight.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I have a program called Network Magic - I can set the times that each computer is allowed to access the internet. The software is only on my laptop so no one can change a thing. You may want to look into such a program...

 

[KTMom91]

We used to have a timer that would kick Miss KT offline when she'd used up her Internet time. I can see though that it seems to be all or nothing with him. I think you're doing the only thing you can do by locking everything up. Sending hugs and lots of strength.

 

[Wiped Out]

"I just hate babysitting a 13-yr-old."

That line could be my line these days (just not about computers). I so understand.

Luckily for us our difficult child's medications keep him asleep all night long.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Mine has the same troubles. I put the McAfee limits on his time so it would stop the internet at 11 pm. Then I find out he is online at 2am. He explains he just reset the clock whenever it got near 11pm. Some great program I got....

Now I have the router set so I can shut off the computer and the xbox from my computer.

Gotta stay one step ahead of them....

 

[susiestar]

I TOTALLY understand. I was told, and still AM told, that taking away all computer access from my son was not appropriate. Several people, even here, have tried to convince me that is was "mean" or even "cruel" because it was a source of comfort to him. Well, it may have been but it was NOT, and is NOT an appropriate source of "comfort". Taking it away completely was the ONLY enforceable limit. If he had even 15 min of access he would then lie, cheat and even steal to be able to get it. Taking a door off the hinges or using a screwdriver on a lock would have been perfectly reasonable in HIS mind.

My difficult child NOW tells me that taking it away completely was the ONLY way to get him to eventually see that he COULD find other ways to entertain himself. Ways that did NOT involve a screen of some kind. He actually went so far as to force my parents to remove the computer privileges by repeatedly hacking them, and the school, and any other network he could get ahold of. To me, and me alone, he has admitted to stealing $$ to get a computer game that he could get online with and then lying about where he got it. He blamed the missing $$ on Jess and to this very day my parents/gfgbro believe she is a thief. NOTHING she can ever do will EVER convince them she is not. Even difficult child admitting to the thefts that they blame on her will not change their mind at this point. She was 10-12 at the time of the thefts and NEVER had ANY $$ that was not accounted for. Heck, when she found $$ in the washer she rarely kept it for herself. She would bring it to me every time. If she kept it it was because I told her to, that whoever left it in their pants (even me) should have checked them and it can damage the washer so they don't get it back. This was never for more than a couple of dollars, less than $5. He is very remorseful about this now that he sees the damage it causes for her.

Stick to your guns. It may be a very long time, if ever, that he is able to control his compulsion to use the computers. I honestly feel that many people, even here, have NO idea what it can be like to have a child who will go to these lengths to get onto the internet. When he pays his own bills and buys his own computer he can monitor his usage. Generally the need to earn money to pay for the internet and the computer will put SOME limits on an adult. Until then, let him do without, at least at home.

It will NOT NOT NOT hurt him in the least. As he has shown by thwarting net nanny and usage limiting programs in the past, there are no ways to limit his usage other than to keep him completely off the computer that will work.

My son never really lost the "urge" to be on the computer, but when he was completely banned from it he could keep away from it at home. After about 10 days the whining and pleading and tantrums over the loss of the computer subsided.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

as for babysitting a 13yo, I completely empathize. It is a horrible job and there are very few people you could even pay to do it, regardless of how much you paid them.

 

[DammitJanet]

I actually agree at this point that he must be kept away completely from the ability to get online. Unfortunately, Jamie has a coworker who's 16 year old difficult child managed to beat the net nanny's and ended up bringing the FBI down on them for child porn. It has pretty much devastated the family.

 

[busywend]

I removed access from my difficult child for several years. In fact, I used to overhear her talking about being on the computer at school so I would have to call them once in awhile to remind them that difficult child was not given permission to use computer at school. They found her using other sign ons. It was months in the beginning of every year that it took teachers to realize they should never see difficult child on the computer. Sure, she used it at friends houses at times, what could I do?
But, no way was she using it under my roof when she just made bad choices with it every time.

You might recall she created her own Stalker on AOL IM. She used it to carry on coversations between her regular ID and her Stalker ID. Then would send it around to create the drama. Ugh - found that using Eblaster - a program that emailed me every key stroke made on my computer.
That one was the last straw - before that is was lies and more drama between other kids. Most of it was making her look like a thug, hurting herself mostly.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all. Wow, I can see that I am in good company.
If I ever reassemble the computer, I will remember to disconnect my DSL.
I will try this program: Network Magic
Thanks for the suggestion.
Whew, Susiestar, amazing. So sorry. And I'd forgotten about the so-called cyberstalker. Yikes!

 

[gcvmom]

Oh! Oh! Me too! Me too! Can I be in the club, too?!

Can you say Gee-Eff-Gee-One? Yup, that's my guy too. Sneaky and Persistent.

 

[AnnieO]

...Would this work for husband, too??? LOL. OK, he's not as bad as he was for a while - so I can live with it as long as he tries!!!

 

[barneysmom]

Terry we have no internet or computer in general in our home for either boy -- they can't handle it. Both are impulsive and have poor boundaries on the computer, and both become explosive when asked to get off the computer, no matter if a time has been agreed upon, a ten-minute warning, whatever. Frankly it's just not worth it -- I could go on and on with the stories, you know them all I'm sure. It's like the movie Groundhog Day happening over and over until I start losing my sense of reality.

The older one -- porn and gun games which trigger and reinforce his obsession with guns. The younger -- hyperfocus which leads to inattention to ADL's, eating, bathroom and common civility.

Good luck girl. I hate computers (except for my laptop which I covet greedily).

 

[DammitJanet]

I was talking about this with Billy who could qualify for computer and smart phone addiction...lol, he says I have a warped pool from which I am picking my kids to talk about who would or would not obey requests to privileges. He and his friends were back in the early to mid 90s in jr and hs. They wouldnt have been caught dead with porn or such on their computers nor would they have dreamed of sneaking on at the wrong hours. They were the geeks. Even in 2000 when Cory caused me so much trouble with the phone company, he didnt know how to bypass the computer...tYG!

Kids are smarter now, Kids are braver now and someone has stupidly told a kid that they have the right to any part of the house and anything in that house is theirs. I dont know who that is but they dont live here.

 

[AnnieO]

Kids are smarter now, Kids are braver now and someone has stupidly told a kid that they have the right to any part of the house and anything in that house is theirs.

Yeah... Someone apparently told Onyxx this. husband and I were talking last night - she owns NOTHING. Why? She's under 18. He was laughing that if she took one more thing of his, he was cleaning out her room. No more "but that's something I wanted to keep!" koi. I lost it giggling hysterically and asked if that applied to MY stuff too... He said yes. We'll see about that!

'S ok. I'm feeling brave, myself.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Barney'sMom, nice to see you!

Billy certainly gets asked a lot of questions at this age, doesn't he? I can't wait until my difficult child is old enough to look back and explain things. Right now, his anwers are all "I don't know. I don't remember."
Although one day when I asked him why he did something, he said, "I just wanted to bug you. I thought it was funny."