So, Now I'm Dealing With Someone Else's difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Jul 16, 2007.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, I can't say enough good about that subject LOL!

    Kidding ~ trying to be funny.

    Just looking for input I guess. I'm asking around to a bunch of people, because I kinda don't know what to do here.

    Having 2 difficult child's of my own, I guess I shouldn't ever complain about anything someone else's kid does. Maybe. But I really feel like I should complain here.

    I'd like to say that in all my difficult child's lives, throughout the course of time, even Dylan when raging, he has never put his hands on anyone else (that I can recall LOL) outside of the home. Yes, he's slapped B and J a couple of times here and there, and been made to write apology notes. And yeah, he's suffered consequences for it and gotten better. But never anyone else's kids.

    So, my boys are all in camp at the Y. This isn't even about Dylan, it's about B, my 15 year old. So, B is a CIT ~ counselor in training. He's the oldest camper there, so he's not really in a "group" per se, like Dylan and J are. He's the counselors helper.

    Well, the next oldest kid down is 12. And apparantley, this kid is pretty nasty. Every day since B has been to camp (and this is the 3rd week), this boy has either been nasty verbally or physically abusive toward B. So, today, B tells me the kid is hitting him almost daily, but doesn't want to tell me, because he thinks it's under control. These counselors are taking this boy, putting him in a 15 minute time out, and letting him back to play.

    Now, the rule of the camp is, 3 write ups, you're out.

    So, my Dylan, he's been written up twice for shutting down. Not touching a soul, but he has had triggers, and instead of the raging he used to do, now he freezes. Another story altogether, but I'm looking for alternatives in case he gets kicked out of camp.

    Now, this boy that is hitting my son, written up four times in 1 day. That was 2 weeks ago. I'm sure he's been written up again.

    So, I ask B why this boy is still in camp. He says the parents don't have anywhere else to put the boy. Ok, I'm very sorry, but why is that MY problem and why does my son have to suffer getting hit from this kid because the parent's have nowhere else to put him???????????

    Maybe I'm being hypocritical here or unempathetic? Am I being nasty? Should I just keep my mouth shut, I mean really ~ Dylan is no angel in his own right. And truthfully, neither is B LOL. But my kids don't disrespect adults or the children around them, nor do they DARE put their hands on someone else, because my kids know better. They know they'll get their you-know-what handed to them when I pick them up if they dare.

    So, I have three options:

    I can call the camp director and complain about the situation
    I can ignore the whole thing and tell B to just ignore the boy (but the boy is not ignoring B)
    or I can just sit back and wait for B to blow, which I KNOW he will at some point, and hit this kid back (he's already said if the boy keeps it up he will), and that's a disaster
    or I can just pull them all out of the camp (is that really fair to my kids?)

    You know, I have never allowed my children to slide on being nasty to others, I don't care what their title is, difficult child or not. We were at the dentist last week, I had J with me, and this little 4 year old kid was with his dad. The kid was running around like a maniac, bed head from he*l, looking like Damian, SHOVING this toy into my son's face. I watched the dad, just watching his kid, telling him to stop, over and over and over and over. Finally, I put my hand up in front of J's face and told that little kid to get away from my son, he was too close, and to take a few steps back. I know I said it sternly, cuz he looked scared LOL, but darn it, don't let your kid do that to someone elses.

    Maybe I'm just ranting, sorry. Thoughts?
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Janna,
    This is how I see it because I have the luxury of being outside looking in. It's no business of yours how many times this other child has been written up and whether or not he should still be at camp. But, it is well within your rights to be concerned that B is being hit by this other child. I would quietly ask the camp director what was the plan to ensure B wasn't facing potential harm from this difficult child and go from there. They may have the boy change groups or something similar. Good luck, I know this sort of thing is hard to take as a mom.
     
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    my difficult child has hurt others out of anger. I do not condone it, but I cannot control what he does when he is away from me. The child should have consequences. Removal of special priveleges, like field trips, swimming or whatever. That is what has happened to Cody. I would suggest to B that he go to whoever is in charge and suggest that. B is 15, it would be good to let him deal with it if that is possible. It would probably be better on his ego as he is a 15 year old boy.
     
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Call the director of the camp. Is the camp aware of your son's history and situations?

    1. He should be congratulated for handling this situation like a pro. He's kept his cool, he's asked for help and he's held his tongue and fists. To be honest I think he should be taken out for ice cream or a movie (you HAVE to celebrate the small victories!)

    2. He's advised you that he's ready to blow (ANOTHER small victory - he's thinking ahead AND asking for intervention)

    Please let us know what you decide!

    I'm rooting for him!!!

    :bravo:


    Beth
     
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    I'm also coming from the other end of difficult child-ness. I'm constantly watching to see if difficult child 1 has hurt someone elses kid. Just me personally, I wouldn't want my son to be continuing this kind of behavior without a behavior plan/ consequences. And if I didn't see an improvement in behavior I'd be pulling him out. Letting it continue as is isn't good for the other boy. I think it is reinforcing that he can hit and the adults will look the other way.

    I agree with who ever said your boy should be congratulated for handling it well.
     
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Way To Go B for handling this in such a mature manner! :bravo:

    I would call the camp director, definitely. Your son should not have to tolerate this. Period.

    by the way, if Dylan is removed for camp for being written up 3 times and was non-violent and this other kid is not removed and is violent, I would absolutely take issue with that.
     
  7. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I would call the camp and find out what exactly they plan to do about this. I agree that most of us have seen our difficult children hit other kids but we take action and deal with it. Like Wyntersgrace said, If your son is removed from camp for being written up 3 times and was non-violent...
    Bravo to your son. He is handeling the situation with great maturity. I hope it all works out ok!
     
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    No one should have to be subjected to violence. I realize that I'm lucky that my difficult child is mostly nasty to me and husband and like a deer in headlights in public. And his nastiness is verbal. I don't know what I would do if he were physical. I feel sorry for parents that have to deal with that.
     
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    B told you, it sounds to me like he needed your advice/intervention. I wouldn't jump in boots and all, but I WOULD have a discreet talk to the camp director about what they have in place to protect B. Like has already been said, how they handle this other kid is their issue, not yours, but you want B to have a positive experience and NOT blow up. he's given fair warning. The camp people shouldn't be putting B in this situation without intervening. They are expecting too much of a trainee, in my opinion, and need to know he's almost at the end of his tether, and with good reason.

    Sounds like consensus here, Janna. And I also agree about the ice cream and movies.

    marg
     
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of congrats to B on handling things so maturely!! I would probably talk to the director like Marguerite said. As others said if Dylan is removed after three write ups then I would definitely bring it up!
     
  11. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I know most people think that the punishment dished out to a child that wasn't our own, isn't our business, but I disagree. When a child is hurting our child, I feel we have every right to know they are being handled appropriately. If the camp rule is 3 times and your out and hes still there, you do have the right to ask questions. Its your son hes hurting.

    At school the same group of kids were teasing my oldest difficult child from Sept on. By December I had enough. I went into his teacher and told him that I expected him to handle it because the new principal and the counselor weren't handling it the way I felt it should be. When meeting with the principal she basically said how she deals with these kids is none of my business. When the teasing continued, I felt I had the right to say more needed to be done because whatever had been done wasn't working. She disagreed.

    I applaud your son for handling it so maturely. You should definately let him know you think how he's handling it is great and to keep up the good work. Take him for a treat when hes home. Hes handling his assistant camp councelor job great!
     
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