So Scared

[JKF]

I just got a call from the psychiatric hospital saying that difficult child is being released to his CMO worker and is being taken back to the PCR program he was attending. This is the program he ran away from TWICE....within a two week period. I'm sitting here literally shaking because I know that difficult child won't stay there. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. But it's only a matter of time before he runs again. I literally can't take the stress anymore. I never know when something is going to happen. When he was in the psychiatric hospital last week it was such a nice feeling because I KNEW he couldn't leave there whenever he felt like it. Now instantly I'm back to the same neurotic freak that I've become in the last 6 months due to difficult child's never ending behavior. My heart is pounding. I know that he's going to keep doing this (running, going to the hospital, etc) because he told me he is. He told me he will continue to do this until I bring him home. Now I get to sit here on guard tonight waiting for a call that may or may not come. I get to toss and turn again all night wondering if difficult child is still there or if he's run. I just want this to end already! I need this to end now....before I lose my sanity!!!

 

[JKF]

Also, I just LOVE the fact that neither the CMO or psychiatric hospital informed me he was being released until he was actually being released. It would have been nice to know in advance that he was being sent back to the program that he's run from twice. Last time I talked to CMO they were working on getting him into a more secure program. Guess that's not happeing! ****GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*****

 

[AnnieO]

OH UGH.

First things first - HUGS, and lots of them. I know the feeling. It's like a constant panic attack. It's horrid.

But... You can't bring him home. If he's out of the home, he's out for a reason. I'm not up to speed on your situation, but I have something along those lines. He won't stop if you do bring him home, by the way.

Something Star posted a long time ago really helped:
Article on Detachment

 

[DDD]

Sending caring gentle hugs your way. I'm sorry that you are on the emotional rollercoaster. Somehow I hope there is a solution soon.

I have never been there done that but I have spent many years on a similar rollercoaster. You may not be comfortable doing so but what helped me most was unplugging my telephone at 8 pm each night. Finally I realized that i wasn't sleeping soundly because part of me was anticipating a distressing call. In my case I was able to accept that should something terrible happen the police would be sent to my door to inform me.
Just a thought. Caringly, DDD

 

[JKF]

OH UGH.

First things first - HUGS, and lots of them. I know the feeling. It's like a constant panic attack. It's horrid.

But... You can't bring him home. If he's out of the home, he's out for a reason. I'm not up to speed on your situation, but I have something along those lines. He won't stop if you do bring him home, by the way.

Thank you so much Step! I appreciate this more than you know! And you are right...he won't stop if he comes home. I know that already. We gave him a chance once and it nearly destroyed our lives. That's not happening again.

 

[Liahona]

You are going to have to find some level of security for your own sanity. I keep a phone in my pocket at all times. I let my neighbors know so if X shows up and I can't call the police one of them might. I keep the doors and windows locked as best I can. When I'm really scared the blinds stay shut. Stop taking the phone calls. If they want to get a hold of you give them a time of day they can call (like between 1pm and 2pm.) If he runs at 2:30 to bad. You'll find out at 1 pm tomorrow. He will do this again so give them power to admit him and give him medications. If that means power of attorney so be it. Set limits and take precautions to keep yourself and DS2 safe. Its an awful way to live but it is doable. And hopefully temporary. If you need to get a protective order against DS1 so the police will get him off your doorstep should he show up then you might need to do that. Or maybe a no trespassing order. I think the parents in the emeritus forum might have more specific instructions.

If this is completely off the mark just toss any and all advice I give out the window.

 

[JKF]

Sending caring gentle hugs your way. I'm sorry that you are on the emotional rollercoaster. Somehow I hope there is a solution soon.

I have never been there done that but I have spent many years on a similar rollercoaster. You may not be comfortable doing so but what helped me most was unplugging my telephone at 8 pm each night. Finally I realized that i wasn't sleeping soundly because part of me was anticipating a distressing call. In my case I was able to accept that should something terrible happen the police would be sent to my door to inform me.
Just a thought. Caringly, DDD

Thanks DDD! I love the whole unplugging the phone idea! Especially tonight. However, the last time I had the ringer off and difficult child ran away the police showed up at our house at 1 am because I was not answering the phone. I'm so scared that will happen again! I pretty much live in fear at all times these days. Fear that he will run away. Fear that he will hurt himself. Fear that he will hurt us. Fear that something, anything, whatever will happen. Fear fear fear!!! Can't take much more!

 

[JKF]

You are going to have to find some level of security for your own sanity. I keep a phone in my pocket at all times. I let my neighbors know so if X shows up and I can't call the police one of them might. I keep the doors and windows locked as best I can. When I'm really scared the blinds stay shut. Stop taking the phone calls. If they want to get a hold of you give them a time of day they can call (like between 1pm and 2pm.) If he runs at 2:30 to bad. You'll find out at 1 pm tomorrow. He will do this again so give them power to admit him and give him medications. If that means power of attorney so be it. Set limits and take precautions to keep yourself and DS2 safe. Its an awful way to live but it is doable. And hopefully temporary. If you need to get a protective order against DS1 so the police will get him off your doorstep should he show up then you might need to do that. Or maybe a no trespassing order. I think the parents in the emeritus forum might have more specific instructions.

If this is completely off the mark just toss any and all advice I give out the window.

It's not off the mark at all Liahona!!! I appreciae any and ALL advice I can get and you made some wonderful points. I do need to figure out some level of security that we can all live with! This whole thing has gotten way out of hand and everyone in this house has been effected by it. Enough's enough already!

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, hon. You HAVE to detach, even if just a little, for your own wellbeing! How can you help him if you're in psychiatric hospital yourself? Or worse, CCU? Or - dead?

I know there's that fear, I know only too well. Can you tell them NOT TO CALL except during x,y,z hours unless it is a medical emergency? (If he's in the ER 'cause he got hit by a truck, it's a medical emergency. If he's run again, it's not.)

 

[JKF]

Oh, hon. You HAVE to detach, even if just a little, for your own wellbeing! How can you help him if you're in psychiatric hospital yourself? Or worse, CCU? Or - dead?

I know there's that fear, I know only too well. Can you tell them NOT TO CALL except during x,y,z hours unless it is a medical emergency? (If he's in the ER 'cause he got hit by a truck, it's a medical emergency. If he's run again, it's not.)

I agree Step! I definitely HAVE to detach...and not just a little...A LOT! This whole thing is consuming my life. I no longer care about much because this takes up all of my energy. I LOVE my son and I KNOW he's had a rough life but I can't let it take over MY life any longer. We've tried to help him so much and he doesn't want the help. He only wants what he wants and is not willing (or perhaps able) to compromise. I need to step back now. It's time.

As for the no contact during x/y/z hours I really do love that idea! I just get scared that if he runs he will somehow find a way home and if that's the case I NEED to be prepared. I'm not quite sure what his mental state is regarding us at this point but there have been death threats before and I'm not taking any chances!!!

 

[DDD]

Can you afford a cheap new cell phone that only staff has in case of a real emergency? Due to your personal safety concerns that might be the way to go. That way you can shut out the rest of the world, get your sleep and be prepared should there be valid reason for concern? Lack of sleep is a huge factor in coping. Hugs. DDD

 

[Liahona]

So what do you need to do to feel safe even if he shows up?

Maybe protective order?
No trespassing order?
locks and alarms on doors and windows?
moving?
better windows and/or doors?
can you afford a security system that is connected to the police?

What do you need?

DDD has a good idea. Then you just need to scared of one phone instead of everytime the phone rings.

 

[Liahona]

Sorry that came out wrong.

 

[DammitJanet]

When I am on this page there is an ad for something called SimpliSafe and its a home alarm system. I clicked on the website and it is a very affordable system that is not contract based. It really is something you might want to look into. You dont need a home phone. Its all cellular based and it would probably give you some security. The basic plan is only 15 bucks a month. No installation costs.

 

[AnnieO]

Suggestion. Take this for what it's worth.

Make sure you lock all doors.

Then - they have door and window alarms at Wal Mart. Ear-splitting. You can set them up so if you want to open a window, you switch them off. One-time thing unless you need to replace the battery.

I'm looking into that Simplisafe Janet mentioned, too.

 

[TerryJ2]

Just sending hugs, and ditto-ing the good advice here, JKF.

 

[keista]

Sending ((((HUGS)))) and prayers your way.

 

[buddy]

thinking of you

 

[Liahona]

Thinking of you today as well.