So Stressed out!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tpcmom, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    I feel so lost and helpless. I've posted about my oldest difficult child and having some legal problems. I feel like he is just giving up. He is having a hard time finding/looking for job, etc. The atty said he really needs to get one, it would look better for him. He is falling apart. All he does is cry, but then he goes and drinks with his friends or whatever they are doing, then he comes home and falls apart. He was supposed to go away for a week, and don't you know he has court on that Wed. and now he can't go, he has been crying about that. I think he is having a breakdown. No matter what I tell him or try to help him with, it is not sinking in. How do you help someone who can't help themselves???? I find places he can go to, etc. I write down addresses for him to go to, phone numbers. I even gave him a place (its for substance abusers) to call. He said he will and then he doesn't, he doesn't know what to say to them. I mean come on you're 21?? I can't hold his hand forever, but yet he expects me to. Then when he gets upset he takes it out all on me. I'm feeling so down and out right now. I'm having anxiety attacks. My family is falling apart, the expenses are getting way over my head, I can't keep up with my bills, I have this to worry about and he is always calling me at work, then he starts to cry. I feel so absolutely helpless, and completely lost on what to do or how to convince him to do what is needed.

    I feel like I'm just falling thru a tunnel that has no bottom.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tcp...you have got to get him to take on some of this somehow. You cannot do it for him. Dont feel but so sorry for him because he really has chosen much of this for himself. I know that sounds harsh but while he may not have chosen to be depressed, he did decide to self medicate with the wrong substances. He can choose to get help with that. He just has to reach out.

    He is probably scared and who wouldnt be but he has to buck up and figure out how to stand on his own two feet now. He is a big boy. The courts arent going to let momma save him now. I know because I have to watch mine do the legal system dance. It hurts our hearts to watch this but its their choices that get them there.

    This is what I have done with mine and it really didnt work but at least I can say I tried.

    I wrote down the phone number for the intake people at the local mental health place.

    I handed him the phone and stood there while he called.

    I drove him to his appointment then I left it on him.

    He failed to go back to any other appointments but I cant hold his hand forever. This isnt to say your son wont ask you to take him back to his appointments. My son has a rather extreme diagnosis.
     
  3. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    I'm so sorry. How long has this been going on (i.e. the crying all the time)? He certainly sounds quite a bit overwhelmed himself. If you made him an appointment with a therapist/psychiatrist, would he go?

    What are you doing to take care of yourself?
     
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending big hugs..........I don't have much advice as my 16 yo is in a similar boat, and I am as clueless as you are...........but you are in my thoughts.
    :kisses:
     
  5. TrishaBC

    TrishaBC New Member

    Hugs and good thoughts for you, sorry I don't have great words of wisdom.
     
  6. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    I know with mine if he has not taken his medications in the morning I cannot even talk to him as all I get is irritability. Your son needs a good evaluation and medication. Can you talk to social services and get either a mental health person to talk to him or a social worker. At times mine just wants me to be his mom and do mom things for him and not give him direction.You are in a difficult spot I'm glad you posted.
     
  7. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    My son was diagnosis with ADD a long time ago. I started coming here when my youngest was diagnosis with b/p. Now with all these years gone by, I actually do believe my oldest is b/p and he self medicates. He has gotten worse since he was hit by a car and then 4 months later put his arm thru a window and almost bled to death. He wind up losing about 20% of his hand function, so he has been downhill ever since on a road to disaster. It's been hard to watch, and I know I've tried, but it's killing me inside that I can't do anymore, though I know I did everything. Does that make any sense?? It just breaks my heart to see my son going down, down, down and there isn't one darn thing I can do to stop it. Now I'm crying, jeesh! That's all I do anymore.

    I want him to go get help, I wish this is what happens because he needs that more than being locked up. Being addicted to pain pills (I honostly belive this) is what he is and why he does what he does. It just kills me inside. And trying to keep everything together is getting harder and harder on me. Working full time, trying not to act like anything because I don't need anyone knowing anything, trying to keep all the bills paid and everything with this lawyer, it's just wearing me thin. And trying to quit smoking LOL, on top of that! I've been on and off again with this, but am trying to hang on to that, because my cousin just was diagnosis with lung cancer and it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. Just seems like every time I try something bad happens and I just continue to smoke, so at least I still am trying on that! and believe it or not,instead of gaining weight, I'm losing weight but I think that is the stress.

    Thanks for letting me rant, sometimes I just need to get it out of me or I'll go crazy.
     
  8. IMSnoopee

    IMSnoopee New Member

    This is going to sound really weird, but have you considered spiritual guidance? I don't mean the traditional religious approach. I'm talking about shamanic healing.

    Just bare with me for a minute. I'm a christian, but I am also Native American and believe in spiritual harmony and spiritual guides. A friend of mine recently graduated from a shamanic healing school. (yes, there are schools for this) As a gift to me, she did an animal journey to help reclaim my spiritual power. It was not as hokey as I thought it would be. (The actual name if you google it: Power Animal Retrieval. I like to call it finding my inner beast.)

    I feel soo much better since then. I am stronger and I think clearer, and I feel at ease.

    This may be something your son is willing to do. It isn't about telling him what he's doing wrong or what he 'should' do. It's about regaining his spiritual strength to continue on in a good way. Bringing harmony to his life.

    I'm open to questions if anyone has any. I'm not a shamanic healer and I don't pray to crystals or anything. I'm a very modern, realistic person who was brought up believing in more than one spiritual belief.
     
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Boy, if I were you, I might give myself a break and put the smoking thing on hold. Maybe set a date for 6 months from now? Sometimes to get thru difficult times we need our little vices, because we just don't have the internal strength to stop when dealing with all of the emotional stress. Plus beating ourselves up when we fail to meet our goals only intensifies our current crisis'. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves some gentle hugs in the form of indulgences - ice cream, cigarettes, wine, whatever comforts us - and not feel guilty about it.
     
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry first of all. He has you to fall back on- for everything. Of course it breaks your heart that he is hurting and having such problems. It's easy for him . Sitting home crying is working for him. He doesn't REALLY have to get a job. You understand he has all these problems, so he doesn't. What if you stopped being so understanding? Drinking with his friends is fun and a job may interfere with that. Really, like Janet said, you need to let some of this go if you can. You can talk till you're blue in the face- consequences of his actions...you can do it...etc,..the thing we (speaking for lots of us here) can't do, is make them care. (We can see where they are headed, why can't they? ) They have to do it on their own. Sometimes our help is making it harder for them to take steps to be independant. You have to enjoy your life too, don't lose that part of your persona. If you have to, fake it.-Alyssa
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I know it is hard but I think detaching as much as possible is very important (I know that is easier said than done). Please be sure you are taking care of you. I can hear in your post how upset and exhausted you are. Gentle hugs coming your way.
     
  12. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    I know I need to detach, it is hard especially because this is so important. He HAS to get one, he has charges pending and court coming up and the one thing the lawyer stated GET A JOB! How clear can that be?? You know this only will help out the situation but yet do nothing? I don't get it?? He didn't do anything today. Yet he calls me crying that his life :censored2: and no one is going to hire he, he needs no help, etc. I told him tonight, this is your life, I cannot change it for you. It's up to you now, you know only you can change things and apparently your not. Do you think he feels that it doesn't matter, even if he gets one, what good is it if he has to go away anyway, even not realizing it would look good for him in front of a judge? Why does this not sink in? He is in despair. I cannot change things for him, he needs to do this. I'm trying to step back. He promises once again, tomorrow, I'll go look tomorrow and I'll call that treatment center, I promise. I know he wants to, but he doesn't. I just don't get it. Me, I'd be out there all day long and get whatever I could just so I can prove I'm trying. Why is it so hard for him to think or see this?

    Righ now, I'm going to relax, or at least try. I feel like I've hit a brick wall and don't know which way else to go. It's just so heart wrenching to see this happen, I just don't get what is going thru his head. Are the pain pills the "high" making him not think clearly or not care what could be the outcome of this? That maybe this is his last hurray (sp?) I don't know, I wish I did.

    Thanks for all the best wishes. Next week is his arrainment and I'm just too overwhelmed anymore. I keep thinking about this everything going on and I start crying. I can't keep my emotions in check, its so hard. I feel that I may be going into a depression. I do take xanex for my anxiety and to help me sleep or otherwise I couldn't get thru it. Maybe I need an a/d too. I don't know. I did good today on the smoking. Only 2 cigs so far. I know if I fall back, I can just start again. And if I need to have that "need" I will and I'm not going to feel guilty about it anymore.
     
Loading...