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So Tired of Defiance and Verbal Abuse
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 587572" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>My son does that same thing. He too is on the autism spectrum.</p><p></p><p>I've found that there certainly are different ways that other parents may think are letting him off too easy. I'll share, it may not apply for you, but maybe out can help you think of what could help in your own situation. </p><p></p><p>That is a predictable behavior for my son. I know once he has a plan, any interruption has to be handled carefully. Especially, for my son right now, if it involves food.</p><p></p><p>So, first if he asks I try to minimize automatic no's. Like you, I would have said yes.</p><p></p><p>Instead of a yes, but.....answer, if i really had something to do, I'd need to say ....I'm able to do that at X:00. And I'd stick to that.</p><p></p><p>If my son tries to negotiate appropriately....for example he will ask for so many minutes sooner, I allow that, (so I plan ahead and offer a later time to begin with. ) Then he has some control.</p><p></p><p>Control and choices are important to my son. I try to build in opportunities for appropriate chances, so he doesn't need to explode and bully as much.</p><p></p><p>My son also has trouble with frustration tolerance, medications help that, maturity is helping and some therapies we do specifically work on brain flexibility.</p><p></p><p>Much of managing scenes like this involves trying to avoid them....easier to do when a behavior happens over and over, or if any variety of behavior happens in a consistent situation (transitions are big for us).</p><p></p><p>But, there are always times I don't see coming....</p><p></p><p>Then, I often have the same automatic response you did....ok we are not doing X.</p><p></p><p>That usually results in a much worse scene and it's not because he is spoiled and learned it would work, because I used to never give in, and it got worse.</p><p></p><p>Stress gets him more stuck and escalated.</p><p></p><p>So my response now is something that gives him an out. I will say that if he can show me for five minutes that he can calm down then we can go. Or some similar way out. All or none leads to fight or flight responses.</p><p></p><p>I THEN have to ignore his automatic response to my offer of a way out, which never is what he means. He often says a negative thing but does the right thing. So he will say..I don't care or something much more disrespectful.</p><p></p><p>If I reply, we are in a power struggle.</p><p></p><p>I just stick to the solution offered, and wait till he has shifted out of that brain mode.</p><p></p><p>Like your son, it can change in a second...either way (pos. or neg.). He can switch back and act as if nothing happened, and he thinks I'm in that place too.</p><p></p><p>This will sound strange, but I have to think of it like with an animal. There's no point in my holding on to my resentment.</p><p></p><p>Of course, sometimes I do, and we are working on his understanding how his behavior affects others, including people not wanting to do nice things for us even if we are sorry or switch into better behavior. </p><p></p><p> But we are not there, so for now I have to do it like this.</p><p></p><p>When we do get really stuck in a power struggle and when he is too escalated to really come down, especially if hyper-focused on something he wants, I offer a total do-over.</p><p></p><p>None of this may help you, but I'm just sharing the good and the bad of what we go thru here.</p><p></p><p>One last thing, I find that Q likes positive comments and praise, but in small doses. He used to not tolerate any praise. He still has strong reactions sabotaging whatever is going on. </p><p>So, I'm more subtle and don't connect the next activity to it. </p><p>"Great!" Or a high five. That's it.</p><p></p><p>The trip out, I know it's a reward, but would not say it. Otherwise there's a high chance exactly what happened to you would happen here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 587572, member: 12886"] My son does that same thing. He too is on the autism spectrum. I've found that there certainly are different ways that other parents may think are letting him off too easy. I'll share, it may not apply for you, but maybe out can help you think of what could help in your own situation. That is a predictable behavior for my son. I know once he has a plan, any interruption has to be handled carefully. Especially, for my son right now, if it involves food. So, first if he asks I try to minimize automatic no's. Like you, I would have said yes. Instead of a yes, but.....answer, if i really had something to do, I'd need to say ....I'm able to do that at X:00. And I'd stick to that. If my son tries to negotiate appropriately....for example he will ask for so many minutes sooner, I allow that, (so I plan ahead and offer a later time to begin with. ) Then he has some control. Control and choices are important to my son. I try to build in opportunities for appropriate chances, so he doesn't need to explode and bully as much. My son also has trouble with frustration tolerance, medications help that, maturity is helping and some therapies we do specifically work on brain flexibility. Much of managing scenes like this involves trying to avoid them....easier to do when a behavior happens over and over, or if any variety of behavior happens in a consistent situation (transitions are big for us). But, there are always times I don't see coming.... Then, I often have the same automatic response you did....ok we are not doing X. That usually results in a much worse scene and it's not because he is spoiled and learned it would work, because I used to never give in, and it got worse. Stress gets him more stuck and escalated. So my response now is something that gives him an out. I will say that if he can show me for five minutes that he can calm down then we can go. Or some similar way out. All or none leads to fight or flight responses. I THEN have to ignore his automatic response to my offer of a way out, which never is what he means. He often says a negative thing but does the right thing. So he will say..I don't care or something much more disrespectful. If I reply, we are in a power struggle. I just stick to the solution offered, and wait till he has shifted out of that brain mode. Like your son, it can change in a second...either way (pos. or neg.). He can switch back and act as if nothing happened, and he thinks I'm in that place too. This will sound strange, but I have to think of it like with an animal. There's no point in my holding on to my resentment. Of course, sometimes I do, and we are working on his understanding how his behavior affects others, including people not wanting to do nice things for us even if we are sorry or switch into better behavior. But we are not there, so for now I have to do it like this. When we do get really stuck in a power struggle and when he is too escalated to really come down, especially if hyper-focused on something he wants, I offer a total do-over. None of this may help you, but I'm just sharing the good and the bad of what we go thru here. One last thing, I find that Q likes positive comments and praise, but in small doses. He used to not tolerate any praise. He still has strong reactions sabotaging whatever is going on. So, I'm more subtle and don't connect the next activity to it. "Great!" Or a high five. That's it. The trip out, I know it's a reward, but would not say it. Otherwise there's a high chance exactly what happened to you would happen here. [/QUOTE]
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