So very depressed

[meowbunny]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm not doing the things I need to do like taking care of my clients' properties. I'm not doing anything but the very basic requirements at home. Taking a shower is a great effort. Going out and doing something is this side of impossible.

As I was unpacking, I found a whole bunch of old medications. Rather than going through them to toss those that had expired, I looked at them and wondered if they were still potent to take all at once. Obviously, I didn't take them but I didn't throw them out, either.

I can't afford to see a therapist or get some anti-depressants and, even if I could, I probably wouldn't. It's too much effort to do what I need to do to get the help. Heck, I can't even make the effort to pay my bills on time and I can't afford the late fees.

I really feel like the life is being drained right out of me. I'm usually pretty good about being able to work through my depression but this one is so strong. There's just too much stress in my life right now. Much of it is obviously financial, something I'm truly not used to. I'm the one who always had the funds when someone needed help. I actually quit working for three years to stay home with my daughter and it was no problem -- the funds were there for me to do so. I hate my life. I want the world to stop and let me off. I want my daughter to start being successful enough so I can step off this merry-go-round. I really have had enough.

Okay, I'm sorry for whining about poor me and I'll stop now. Please don't offer a bunch of suggestions about what I can do to get help because I just don't have it in me to bother and I'm very good at making excuses why I can't do something even when I know the reality is the only thing stopping me is me. I have no idea why I'm posting this or even what I want or need from you guys. Hopefully, you'll figure it out for me.

 

[Hound dog]

Here's something that is a possibility...as far as the old medications that haven't expired...you could try taking them to see if they help you feel better. The way they are prescribed, of course. (thought I'd toss that in there lol)

This time of year tends to spark depression in people that ordinarily don't have an issue with it. And for those that can, it tends to make it a dead weight around their necks making it a zillion times harder to find motivation for anything, including getting help.

If you were contemplating taking all those medications at once, I'd say you're pretty far down in the hole. It's far unlikely you're going to be able to shake that depth of depression without some outside help. And there are ways of getting that help even when you don't have money or insurance.

But you have to want it.

We care about you. You're a valuable part of our family here. I won't say any more because it won't do any good until you're ready to do something about it.

((((hugs))))

 

[everywoman]

I'm so sorry. Sometimes life is hard. I'm dealing with a depressed daughter right now. She too is feeling the financial pinch and is not doing well being inactive. She has burned bridges with too many of her old friends. They have their own lives now and she is not a part of that crowd anymore. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it for her. There is nothing anyone can do to fix your situation. Just know that there is hope. Tomorrow is another day. Hang on and hold on for a better one.

 

[KTMom91]

I know. I'm just coming out of one of those. It stinks.

Many hugs.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Ugh! I hate the Christmas season, it creates so many expectations of joy and nothing can ever live up to it. I did not even get a tree this year. Last time that happened I knew things had to change.
These are very scary times, we used to be financially secure, now I can't even go to the dentist.
I'm sending gentle hugs for your soul.

 

[goldenguru]

Oh meowbunny-

Your post has given me great concern. Please, please, please get yourself some help. Get yourself admitted to a psychospital if necessary. Your symptoms sound so very much like husband's symptoms just before he DID down all of his medications.

I seriously have red flags waving here.

Call a friend - call your nearest mental health inpatient facility - call your emergency room - but please reach out for help quickly.

Looking at those pills and considering an overdose is just one fatal step from taking them. I plead with you - get help. Not in a week, or a day but this very evening. And please let us know how you are. Please.

 

[Steely]

Meow................
All I can say is I am there with you. I have never felt worse in my life, than today, Dec 19th. I have these horrible out of control thoughts, and I am not sure what to do, except stand still.
Many prayers are going out to. You are not alone. We will get through this.

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) now, scoot over. I'm in that corner with you! No, you cannot have it all to yourself.

One thing about calling a hotline- it is pretty easy. You don't have to make an appointment, get cleaned up and dressed any particular way, it doesn't matter what time it is, and if you don't like what they're saying, you can slam the phone down at any time. Yep-

 

[BusynMember]

I've been THAT depressed, and you don't need to nor deserve to feel that way. Forget therapy until you're up to it. Go to a GP and get an anti-depressant. I don't think it's a good idea to use old ones. Then, when you start feeling better, go to your county mental health center and sign up for therapy. I go for free. And this is one of the best therapists I've ever had. How much you pay for a therapist doesn't mean squat. Unlike you, I am maybe not strong enough to try to wait for my depressions to lift. They zap the very life out of me and I need medications to be functional. Right now it is so second nature for me to take my medications I just do it and barely think about it (unless I'm having a senior moment and think "Wait!!! Did I take it or not? LOL) (((Hugs))) Please do this for yourself. I remember being too depressed to even open my eyes. I felt a twist in the pit of my stomach before I was even awake and I could barely lift my lids. I've had so many depressive episodes that I take antidepressants as a preventative. I should probably take a mood stabilizer, but I don't like how they make me feel. I'm blathering now, as usual. But I'm concerned about you and hope you can rouse yourself just one more time, enough to seek out any doctor for help. If you can't afford medications there are many programs to help you get medication for free. Have you applied for Medicaid? Please post again and let us know how you're doing. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I've been hospitalized for depression.

 

[susiestar]

Meowbunny,

I am so sorry that you are this depressed. I am also seeing the red flags. If you can do nothing else, please call a suicide hotline.

1 (800) 784-2433 is 1(800) SUICIDE is one hotline. I even put the numbers the letters stand for so it is very easy to call. They are very helpful and kind. I have called them myself.

PLEASE reach out to a professional. Go to the ER, a local psychiatric hospital, just walk in to a psychiatrists office and tell them you are in trouble.

You are so special to so many of us. We hate to see you in such pain.

Gentle, gentle hugs to you.

Susie

 

[Fran]

Hopefully, you will find your way out of this dark space. I suspect you have been there before since you have the medications.
Finances are always up and down. Planning is the only way I survived the leaner years.
I have no suggestions for you but I hear your vent.

 

[Jena]

hi

So, i'm not going to list a bunch of things you can do blah blah blah blah. I totally hear you, when your feeling that way last thing you want is a sermon, you just want to be heard. So, I hear you and am sending you hugs.

I went through a pretty bad depression myself, it was triggered by my past and happened while i was a member here. It was the darkest place i'd ever been in. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own mind, my obsessive thoughts certainly didn't help this process either lol. jk

Anyway point of me sharing yet another scary jen tale is to say that i know it stinks, you feel as though there's no out. There is though, I stayed focused on what i was doing at all times, so i wouldn't detach. I'm not going to lecture, just going to say that as Fran stated holidays trigger this sort of thing.

Yet take your quiet moments, and in time it too shall pass.

(((Hugs)))

 

[flutterbee]

Scooch over so I can sit next to you. Just lie your head on my shoulder. It's ok if you cry; I'll stroke your hair. I understand.

(((hugs)))

 

[ML]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. We are here for you and we care. I wish there was something I could to do. Hugs, ML

 

[totoro]

You know MB, you are always the rock around here. We don't have to give any advice, just a lot of understanding, or at least trying to understand.
You always try to pick everyone else up and give everyone else the courage to go on. Take something from us for once.
Lean on the board for a bit.
Take it easy on yourself.
Things seem to be a bit a sad around here as of late.

 

[katya02]

MB, please let us know how you're doing. I just found this thread. I've been there too. Please post something ... and if you're still in the place you were yesterday, please please call the hotline number Susiestar provided. I'll post it here again: 1-800-784-2433. Please keep reaching out; people will reach back.

 

[Andy]

Hugs! Hugs!

Stay with us! You are so special. There is a way! One moment at a time.

Write it to us! We are listening - we understand - we are with you!

Hugs!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You have Heather on one side of you. Make room for my big butt on the other side.

I get where you are. I get how you feel. There are many options and many ways to get help, but when you are this down, it does not matter. The motivation is not there. I get it. I am so sorry.

Please please please at least call a hotline. Keeping you in my prayers and sending lots of gentle hugs.

 

[meowbunny]

Um, I'm not ready to leave this earth quite yet. As I said, my daughter needs me and as long as she can't make it on her own, I'm stuck whether I like it or not. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare anyone. Yes, this depression is deep. The deepest I've ever experienced and it scares me sometimes. I wish I could afford to see a doctor -- any doctor -- but I can't. It really is that simple.

As to suicide prevention, I doubt there's really anything they can say that I don't already know. I used to be a volunteer for them. They are a great organization and the people that work there offer a tremendous service but it's not my thing. I'm still shocked that I posted here. It is not something I do. I rarely even discuss my depression with my best friend.

I don't do feelings well. Not mine. Not others. I hate when I'm emotional. I like the even keel. I don't cry in public. I do my best to not watch sad movies. I walk out of the room when there's a Hallmark commercial. I like to smile but not laugh out loud. I hate, hate, hate when I get really angry. Emotions are definitely not my thing. They rate right up there with eating mashed potatoes. Just not sensations I enjoy.

Thank you all for the concern. I'm afraid you're stuck with me for a while longer, even through this stupid depression.

 

[Andy]

Every once in awhile we slip and tell our friends something we are not sure we wanted to. This is a very good place to vent - we are distance friends. I had a friend once who lived three miles away. She did not know my family or other friends or co-workers or anyone else that I knew. I would pour out my feelings in letters and send it off knowing that these things would NEVER get back to me through the grapevine because she was not connected to the grapevine.

We are good friends who are not connected to your grapevine. You can tell us ANYTHING! We will listen, we will support, we will help pull you to your feet.

I know you stated you didn't want advise so I just gave you hugs and let you know I care. Sometimes that is what you do need most, to know that you have a purpose in life. That will be to be our friend and add your input to our discussions.

So, vent away! Tell us whatever needs to be saying that you want to give a voice to but do no want to add to the grapevine.