SO very mad!!!!!

[greenrene]

So. Short backstory - there was lots of disobedient difficult child drama involving social media this summer, resulting in her phone being taken away permanently and being grounded from computer use. Upon getting limited computer/internet privileges back somewhere around September, the FIRST thing difficult child decides to do is once again break the rules by going into a tween chat area, posing as a boy, and trying to get girls to "date" her. After that incident, she was grounded indefinitely from the computer because she has made it obvious that she just can't handle it.

Tonight, in passing, she mentioned that she had gotten an email from her biomom. Huh? Exactly when was she told that she was allowed to email? Apparently at school one day (within the past week) she decided that she didn't want to be grounded anymore and got onto her email and has been emailing every day at lunch.

When, do you ask, did my dear husband find out about this? SEVERAL DAYS AGO when his mom asked him about why difficult child was emailing her. What, do you ask, did he do about it? NOTHING! Oh, he did mention it to difficult child, and she said she was only emailing him and her grandma (his mom). Apparently he thought that was a-ok.

I only found out about it TONIGHT. She has been emailing many more people than just husband and grandma.

I came unglued, and that was BEFORE I found out that husband had known she was emailing. He is actually waffling on whether or not we should lay down the law. I don't care WHOM she is emailing, to me the bottom line is she started doing it without permission! He said "well, sometime we're going to have to let her have access to this kind of stuff," and I told him we sure do NOT "have to" let her do this kind of stuff when it's obvious she has no respect for the rules and can't handle the privilege of internet use.

He's going to "talk to her" when he takes her to school tomorrow, and he's going to "decide" how to handle it later on. I CALL BS. She is already blaming this on me (like she does everything), saying that I'm "overreacting" and mean, blah blah blah.

If he lets her get away with this, I feel like it would be catastrophic on many levels. It would give her power, it would show a lack of parental unity, it would re-enforce her notion that I'm too strict, etc etc etc.

I need to calm down. I just really don't know what else to do, but I'm so PI$$ED off at both of them that I'm sitting here shaking and fighting back tears.

 

[greenrene]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnddd... I just opened mail from her school, and it's a bill. That backpack she brought home a few weeks ago, claiming her friend had given it to her? That was a lie. She CHARGED IT to her account! She also charged a $75 pair of sneakers. Explanation? She didn't have the right shoes on PE day, so she got them so she wouldn't get in trouble.

Somebody's got some 'splainin to do to her father in the morning! And this is something she CAN'T blame on me!

 

[susiestar]

Maybe it is time to step back. Clearly husband isn't seeing or dealing with the day to day issues. She is very loved by you, but maybe you need to be the disney step mom and do the fun stuff. When she breaks rules, call dad at work. When she runs up a bill, give it to dad to pay. Need money for something? Ask Dad. School calls? Tell them to call him.

My husband got VERY tired of this and asked why I wasn't 'being the mom'. I responded that mom was harder and I wanted to be 'the dad' and only do the fun stuff. Since I had done it for over a decade, it was his turn and I was 'taking a break". He asked how long? was told, until I change my mind, which won't be this year.

I stuck to it. I made him deal with school calls and had him then call me to go if a kid needed picking up. I w ould do it, but I would NOT take the call from school. Dr appointment? Don't feel good? Tell dad cause I don't know how to call the doctor. I will take you, but dad has to make the appointment, give me a list of what is wrong and what he thinks would help, and tell me when and wehre you need to go.

My husband was crying and BEGGING for help in under three weeks. He started off that it was 'no big deal' and I was 'overreacting'. Since I was, and it was 'no big deal', then it wouldn't be a big deal for him to do it either, right? I got a HUGE apology, and a lot more help and support after this.

I know it seems strange to hand over the reins, esp when things get ALLLLL messed up, cause they will at some point. The trick is to keep calling Dad to see how to fix whatever it was. My husband couldn't stand the calls at work. I asked him how he thought I felt when he used to call me at work to ask how long to cook a frozen pizza or frozen veggies? It wasn't like he couldn't read, he called me because he didn't want to do the task and wanted me to do it because it was too much work for me if he did it. He really really really hated that I called him on that every. single. time. I used to talk him through reading the directions on the pizza box. "What does the box say the oven temp should be" "So you should heat the oven to that. What does the box say it should be cooked on? So that is what you should do." And so on. I NEVER gave him a direct answer and always made him read the directions to me and then told him to do that.

Part of the reason this worked is that I made it a lot of trouble for him. It would take my husband much longer to call me to tell him how to cook something than if he just read it. That was the entire point of my answers. If it is too much work fo them, then they have to support you to the kids. Otherwise? They can handle it themselves.

You are difficult child's stepmom. I know you love her and watn the best for her, but she is his biological child. You likely took over the 'mom' role at some point because that is what women do. BUT that lets the father out of having to be responsible and they can be there for the 'fun' stuff and undermine us to make the child happy. That is when you transfer the pain and problems to the father, until they are so sick of it that htey beg you to help. I usually waited af ew days after my husband begged for help because I really, really, really wanted him to learn the lesson that he is just as responsiible as I am. In your case? Your husband is MORE responsible for difficult child, so he should be given more of the unfun parts of parenting.

Just my opinion, of course. My husband almost NEVER undermines me any more. HE is afraid I will make him deal with everything if he does.

 

[Bunny]

I agree with Susie. You need to take a step back and let Dad take the reins for a while, although I have to say that my husband wouldn't take the reins even if I gave them to him and stapled them to his hands! It's clear that he is not taking this as seriously as you are, so I would let him handle it. He gives her computer privlidges and she somehow gets herselt into trouble? Let him deal with it. And those bills that you got from the school? Those should be landing right in front of him for payment.

 

[greenrene]

I am definitely going to step back and make him deal with this for a while. The stress of dealing with difficult child is having a very negative impact on me both physically and mentally. I've always been the "main" parent, even and especially when she was little, so it will be hard to let go, but I need to. It's making me angry, resentful, and depressed.

For Christmas, I ordered difficult child a new pair of shoes, ones she really, really liked, that she can wear to school (dress code is very strict). I ordered them AFTER she had charged the other shoes at school, not knowing about the charged shoes. The very nerve of this child - she helped me pick out the shoes I ordered and didn't bother to tell me that she'd gotten shoes from school! Ugh! Parenting a difficult child is SO not for the faint of heart!

 

[greenrene]

Oh, and about the emailing - I bit my tongue this morning and let husband decide how to handle it. He drove her to school and had a talk with her, pretty much telling her that she is NOT allowed on the computers at school, and no more emailing. She had been skipping lunch to go on the computers at school. He is going to call the school to give them a heads up about not letting her on the computers. I'm glad he made the right choice, and I'm glad it came from HIM.

difficult child has a therapist appointment today, the second appointment with a new one. I am taking her there, so I get to meet the therapist today. Should be interesting.

 

[DaisyFace]

Ugh! How aggravating!!!

It's going to be very hard to police her computer usage away from your home. Her friends will have internet access on their phones, there are the school computers, and computers at friend's houses...

The best you can do is limit the computer access at your house. And be mindful of her whereabouts - don't let her have an opportunity to meet up with some anonymous internet "friends"...

And DEFINITELTY let husband handle most of this!

 

[susiestar]

There is NO WAY my husband would take the reins unless forced. By forced I mean pestered and nagged and whined at by ME. I would call him, he would say to do what i thought best. I would say that I don't KNOW what is best and I just don't understand and what to do what to do? I flat out told school that they had to call husband and not me, and when they called anyway? I didn't answer or told them that they had to call husband for this or that reason. Kids asked me to do something? I said "Go ask your father" or "Go call your father."

In one single day he got sixteen phone calls from me, the kids and school. I got uber lucky and the school nurse decided that thank you had to have a chicken pox vaccine because he didn't have one. Yes he did but it was in OH and labelled varicella and not chicken pox. I made husband figure out what each shot was. then the nurse decided that he needed the shot because his wasn't after his first birthday. It was the day before his birthday and we had to get a note from the doctor saying that it was not a problem because it was within the 2 weeks before his first birthday.

I made husband deal with the school, schedule the appointment for the shot, call again after we got sent home from the shot so that doctor could write a note, ALL of it. I even made him write down directions to the nurse's office at another school (both school nurses are in an office in another elem school).

Basicly I took a note out of husband's playbook and reefused to cope with life with-o his intense supervision. If he didn't respond in detail, I messed whatever it was up. He HATED his life that week and gritched a lot. I either ignored it or asked more questions about what he wanted me to do about it. I remembering him telling me that he just wanted me to 'handle everything like you used to! My answer was "Why? You haven't handled any of this stuff, so clearly it isn't important. Since it isn't important enough for you to do or for you to support me over, it isn't enough for me to do.

I hated those weeks because he drove me nuts and so did playing the idiot. I would do it again though, because it turned my husband into a better hubby and father.

 

[buddy]

The school sells seventy five dollar sneakers that the kids can charge? How does THAT work? If kids didn't have shoes at the schools I worked at we found some donated ones or lost and found shoes etc. We always supplied boots etc. but wow. If it was just because they forgot then they missed out for the day and if it meant a zero then it is their responsibility.

Can you block her ability to charge anything? At our schools we can choose to allow extra items charged at lunch or only the lunch/milk charges. I give Q a chance to earn cash if he wants to buy extras. He also gets to earn money at a job at school. Does the school really allow a kid to do that without question? Its amazing.

I'm sorry she got so out of hand, I think you are right on that the point is respect for the boundaries/rules you set. Glad husband did some work in this!

 

[greenrene]

It's a private military boarding school that also accepts local day students. They apparently have a contract with Nike because almost all the gear, including their daily uniform shirts, PE clothes, etc is Nike. The students can wear any athletic shoe as long as it is predominantly solid black, some white on the sole is permitted - it's just that the shoes offered through the school store are those $75 Nikes.

Since most of the students are boarders from out of town or even out of the country, included in the tuition is a set amount of money that can be used at the school store and for extras like tutoring, clothing, sports fees, etc. Since she has so much tutoring (she is pulled every day for an hour of tutoring, and she goes to another hour of tutoring 4 days a week after school), her account is now in the "balance" zone instead of the "credit" zone.

husband called and revoked her charging ability at the store, so that's taken care of. But she's still charged well over $100 worth of stuff that she didn't need.

 

[buddy]

Oh I see. Glad you could block her ability to charge! I am sure my son would do that and in fact a few times called HSN and because my phone and TV cable automatically charged to my card he bought four $200 cameras once and jewelry and a sequined green sweater ...not even my size. Says he bought it all for me. Every time I thought I blocked the account another loophole happened. He finally stopped. But it's one reason I'm afraid to get him a phone, lol.

So glad you caught it !

 

[TerryJ2]

I totally agree with-you and see where you're coming from. And my husband is a lot like Susiestar's, so if your husband is like that you've got a tough battle ahead.
Having said that, I have noticed that those who are not in it day-to-day (which is most of our DHs) just don't get it.