Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 627152" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>MWM, I think your sister is in punish MWM mode, not emotional shutdown. The truth is that you don't know whether she reads them or not. What you know is that she does not respond.</p><p></p><p>She is playing a game, MWM.</p><p></p><p>A hurtful game. </p><p></p><p>I think that, pretty shortly here, you are going to find (just like I did, after you posted about abusive adult children) that you are seeing your sister and her shenanigans in a whole different light. Just as you were suddenly able to see the abuse in 36's behavior and set boundaries around that, you have become healthy enough now to see the patterns of abuse in your other relationships. I see that in that you are switching from regret to love to anger and back, as you rethink this relationship with your sister.</p><p></p><p>The fascination you feel, I think, has to do with your own impending growth. Just like I couldn't let go of that idea about adult kids verbally abusing their parents because, though I would not let myself see it, my own son was doing that to me...you are thinking and thinking, re-evaluating what is really going on in this relationship to your sister.</p><p></p><p>Any minute now...BOOM.</p><p></p><p>There was a time when I was so committed to making relationship, to making family with my adult sister and brother. My sister and I talked about it all the time. How important family was, how triumphant a success we were, because we had created family in spite of all the bad things that happened to us.</p><p></p><p>It took me until now to let myself stop believing that pretty fantasy.</p><p></p><p>It's like stubbing your toe repeatedly on the same, familiar rock. Finally, you pick up the rock. And when you see what's under there, you just can't believe it.</p><p></p><p>As I have done routinely with pretty much every relationship in my life, I brushed over the rude, hurtful, or shaming/inappropriate things so often that there came a time when, just like it was with my son, I never let myself acknowledge the abuse, at all. </p><p></p><p>You know where I think we got those behaviors, MWM?</p><p></p><p>Television.</p><p></p><p>I believed enough love and enough perfectly brewed Maxwell House coffee would grow us into that television family where Father Knew Best. (Now, I believe that respect for the other person demands truth telling. We need to respect them enough to tell them the truth, instead of pretending they are perfect and we are perfectly understanding, perfectly kind, perfectly loving. I have lived my life as a caricature of myself, MWM. I have been so afraid I would turn into my abuser that I forced myself to go to the other pole. Now, I am learning the center. I love it, here.) </p><p></p><p>Those images I had seen growing up, MWM, were how I thought other families, families without abusive mothers, really lived. If my family ~ whether it was my family of origin or the family I created with husband ~ did not look like that, <em>then as the mother, I was the one responsible.</em> Recovering posted to me once about something called "parentification". </p><p></p><p>That's us, MWM.</p><p></p><p>Just like with our difficult child kids, as you act to change these patterns with your sister, the abuse will escalate.</p><p></p><p>She is already calling you hurtful names, putting you on the defensive.</p><p></p><p>She does not know you have us, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Address the anger, MWM. It is there to teach you what you need to know. Journal through it, meditate on it, acknowledge and claim it every way you can. Give yourself time and the gift of presence. Be so good to yourself now, MWM, as you go through this. Remember that when you do respond, simple is best. An angry response is not usually going to be the best response. Your anger is your own. It is for you. It is a gift, an energy you can use, if you choose to, to learn something true about yourself.</p><p></p><p>Your sister is the lesson you are both working through.</p><p> </p><p>This is what my husband told me to say, when I wondered how to stand up to my family of origin: "I told you what I expected."</p><p></p><p>That is all you need to, or should, say.</p><p></p><p>Let your sister figure out what that means. But here is the thing, MWM. The saddest, most hurtful thing is that your sister, like mine, knows full well what she is doing, and why she is doing it. </p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>You no longer need her, MWM. You were actually free of this sister, and of other toxic relationships in your life, when you had the breakthrough about 36's verbally abusive behaviors. That is what is happening for me, too. I am seeing the painful wrongness in every abusive relationship. I am learning that I now become too angry to back down. (Just like you are now, with your sister, MWM.) I cannot unsee what I know. I want what I want. If the people who have spent my life victimizing me see no other value in me and choose to separate themselves? </p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>But they are learning that when they come sniffing around again, expecting forgiveness and looking to victimize, I am even worse, am even stronger and more outspoken, than I was at the timid beginning of my awakening.</p><p></p><p>As I posted once to Recovering regarding family of origin issues: I am woman, here me roar."</p><p></p><p>That is what everyone around me is being confronted with, lately.</p><p></p><p>Know what my husband (we have been circling this stuff, too) said to me this morning? Something about my being his feisty little whatever! I think the people who love us will love us more, will respect us more, as we complete this process of waking up, MWM.</p><p></p><p>The others, too sick themselves to awaken, will be left behind.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 627152, member: 17461"] MWM, I think your sister is in punish MWM mode, not emotional shutdown. The truth is that you don't know whether she reads them or not. What you know is that she does not respond. She is playing a game, MWM. A hurtful game. I think that, pretty shortly here, you are going to find (just like I did, after you posted about abusive adult children) that you are seeing your sister and her shenanigans in a whole different light. Just as you were suddenly able to see the abuse in 36's behavior and set boundaries around that, you have become healthy enough now to see the patterns of abuse in your other relationships. I see that in that you are switching from regret to love to anger and back, as you rethink this relationship with your sister. The fascination you feel, I think, has to do with your own impending growth. Just like I couldn't let go of that idea about adult kids verbally abusing their parents because, though I would not let myself see it, my own son was doing that to me...you are thinking and thinking, re-evaluating what is really going on in this relationship to your sister. Any minute now...BOOM. There was a time when I was so committed to making relationship, to making family with my adult sister and brother. My sister and I talked about it all the time. How important family was, how triumphant a success we were, because we had created family in spite of all the bad things that happened to us. It took me until now to let myself stop believing that pretty fantasy. It's like stubbing your toe repeatedly on the same, familiar rock. Finally, you pick up the rock. And when you see what's under there, you just can't believe it. As I have done routinely with pretty much every relationship in my life, I brushed over the rude, hurtful, or shaming/inappropriate things so often that there came a time when, just like it was with my son, I never let myself acknowledge the abuse, at all. You know where I think we got those behaviors, MWM? Television. I believed enough love and enough perfectly brewed Maxwell House coffee would grow us into that television family where Father Knew Best. (Now, I believe that respect for the other person demands truth telling. We need to respect them enough to tell them the truth, instead of pretending they are perfect and we are perfectly understanding, perfectly kind, perfectly loving. I have lived my life as a caricature of myself, MWM. I have been so afraid I would turn into my abuser that I forced myself to go to the other pole. Now, I am learning the center. I love it, here.) Those images I had seen growing up, MWM, were how I thought other families, families without abusive mothers, really lived. If my family ~ whether it was my family of origin or the family I created with husband ~ did not look like that, [I]then as the mother, I was the one responsible.[/I] Recovering posted to me once about something called "parentification". That's us, MWM. Just like with our difficult child kids, as you act to change these patterns with your sister, the abuse will escalate. She is already calling you hurtful names, putting you on the defensive. She does not know you have us, now. Address the anger, MWM. It is there to teach you what you need to know. Journal through it, meditate on it, acknowledge and claim it every way you can. Give yourself time and the gift of presence. Be so good to yourself now, MWM, as you go through this. Remember that when you do respond, simple is best. An angry response is not usually going to be the best response. Your anger is your own. It is for you. It is a gift, an energy you can use, if you choose to, to learn something true about yourself. Your sister is the lesson you are both working through. This is what my husband told me to say, when I wondered how to stand up to my family of origin: "I told you what I expected." That is all you need to, or should, say. Let your sister figure out what that means. But here is the thing, MWM. The saddest, most hurtful thing is that your sister, like mine, knows full well what she is doing, and why she is doing it. You no longer need her, MWM. You were actually free of this sister, and of other toxic relationships in your life, when you had the breakthrough about 36's verbally abusive behaviors. That is what is happening for me, too. I am seeing the painful wrongness in every abusive relationship. I am learning that I now become too angry to back down. (Just like you are now, with your sister, MWM.) I cannot unsee what I know. I want what I want. If the people who have spent my life victimizing me see no other value in me and choose to separate themselves? Good. But they are learning that when they come sniffing around again, expecting forgiveness and looking to victimize, I am even worse, am even stronger and more outspoken, than I was at the timid beginning of my awakening. As I posted once to Recovering regarding family of origin issues: I am woman, here me roar." That is what everyone around me is being confronted with, lately. Know what my husband (we have been circling this stuff, too) said to me this morning? Something about my being his feisty little whatever! I think the people who love us will love us more, will respect us more, as we complete this process of waking up, MWM. The others, too sick themselves to awaken, will be left behind. Yes. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
Top