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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 627153" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>MWM, you are courageous and kind and brilliant, to have seen through and stood up to those toxic family patterns. Very few of us have the courage to speak out. </p><p></p><p>You are a strong, good hearted woman, MWM. Never let them tell you differently. In their secret hearts, they are afraid of you ~ and even more afraid of what you know.</p><p></p><p>And as Recovering posted to me once about my family of origin, they are afraid of who you are.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too. A million times. I have no problem at all with saying I am sorry, I misunderstood, whatever.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My mom hung up on me too just recently, MWM. Because, at long last, I stood up.</p><p></p><p>I posted about it, here.</p><p></p><p>You all pointed out to me that, bad as I might feel...I had confronted the bully and she ran away.</p><p></p><p>She ran away, MWM.</p><p></p><p>This is my family of origin. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>As I have been going through this same process with my own sister, and with my mother and brother...that is the thing I am most angry about, MWM. All those times we did not have because my sister would do the strangest, suck-all-the-air-from-the-room things. If we drove the hundreds of miles to see her...her behavior would become that much more blatant when we were on her territory. Looking back on it now, I can see it. When it was happening? It was so out of left field that we just kept being polite, kept trying to go along with it, kept saying thank you.</p><p></p><p>Now, I feel as devalued by my sister as I actually am.</p><p></p><p>But in that place where I used to try to understand, where I required myself to forgive? My value to myself is bubbling and roaring up out of the heart of me, now.</p><p></p><p>I will never go back to the way things were.</p><p></p><p>I cannot. My family of origin will do all the same things they have always done. But I am not who I have always been. </p><p></p><p>I am here, I am present, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is the nature of the game in every dysfunctional family, MWM. MY FAMILY IS THE EXACT SAME WAY. This opportunity for me to see and heal that kind of thinking is what opened the whole Pandora's Box with my sister. I was defending my brother. Now? My sister and brother are playing the same old game around my mother.</p><p></p><p>But I can see it, now.</p><p></p><p>Just like the story of the frog and the poisoned pond, MWM. We are the princesses, the ones who got out of the toxicity. </p><p></p><p>I never want to go back there again.</p><p></p><p>In fact, I am thinking of ways to drain that toxic, polluted swamp.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. You would have, MWM. Because you are strong and good and decent. They are not.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Sickness thrives in the dark, polluted places without sunlight, MWM.</p><p></p><p>They don't want to talk about it. They will live out their lives, familiar with the toxicity, with the skewed values toxic families espouse.</p><p></p><p>Our job is to break free and then, to forgive our families, MWM. </p><p></p><p>Like we were once, they don't know any better.</p><p></p><p>The difference is that they have not had the courage to stand up to your mother or to the toxic rules she laid down.</p><p></p><p>You did.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I applaud you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 627153, member: 17461"] MWM, you are courageous and kind and brilliant, to have seen through and stood up to those toxic family patterns. Very few of us have the courage to speak out. You are a strong, good hearted woman, MWM. Never let them tell you differently. In their secret hearts, they are afraid of you ~ and even more afraid of what you know. And as Recovering posted to me once about my family of origin, they are afraid of who you are. Me, too. A million times. I have no problem at all with saying I am sorry, I misunderstood, whatever. My mom hung up on me too just recently, MWM. Because, at long last, I stood up. I posted about it, here. You all pointed out to me that, bad as I might feel...I had confronted the bully and she ran away. She ran away, MWM. This is my family of origin. As I have been going through this same process with my own sister, and with my mother and brother...that is the thing I am most angry about, MWM. All those times we did not have because my sister would do the strangest, suck-all-the-air-from-the-room things. If we drove the hundreds of miles to see her...her behavior would become that much more blatant when we were on her territory. Looking back on it now, I can see it. When it was happening? It was so out of left field that we just kept being polite, kept trying to go along with it, kept saying thank you. Now, I feel as devalued by my sister as I actually am. But in that place where I used to try to understand, where I required myself to forgive? My value to myself is bubbling and roaring up out of the heart of me, now. I will never go back to the way things were. I cannot. My family of origin will do all the same things they have always done. But I am not who I have always been. I am here, I am present, now. That is the nature of the game in every dysfunctional family, MWM. MY FAMILY IS THE EXACT SAME WAY. This opportunity for me to see and heal that kind of thinking is what opened the whole Pandora's Box with my sister. I was defending my brother. Now? My sister and brother are playing the same old game around my mother. But I can see it, now. Just like the story of the frog and the poisoned pond, MWM. We are the princesses, the ones who got out of the toxicity. I never want to go back there again. In fact, I am thinking of ways to drain that toxic, polluted swamp. Yes. You would have, MWM. Because you are strong and good and decent. They are not. Sickness thrives in the dark, polluted places without sunlight, MWM. They don't want to talk about it. They will live out their lives, familiar with the toxicity, with the skewed values toxic families espouse. Our job is to break free and then, to forgive our families, MWM. Like we were once, they don't know any better. The difference is that they have not had the courage to stand up to your mother or to the toxic rules she laid down. You did. :O) I applaud you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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