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Parent Emeritus
So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627179" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Thanks for your input, SS. I have to sadly laugh. My father was so absent in my life, although he lived in my house, that it was like I had no father at all. He is still that way...disinterested in anything that is not centered around him. Would I rather have lived with an uncle? Haha. I only had one uncle, Mom's brother, and he was as bad as my father, if not worse. I think many people had it worse than me, but on a scale of 1-10 as far as family dysfunction, I give my own DNA collection a big ole 3. I give them the three because at least they didn't break the law! But they were abusive, scary, demeaning and non-supportive of us all and they loved to cause fights/divisions/heck, wars.</p><p></p><p>There will be no more continued effort on my part with Sis. I am not going to have that in my life. I mean, if she calls me, and I do mean if SHE calls ME, I will talk shortly with her about the weather and our health, but nothing more and hopefully not often. I realize now, from a lot of research I'm doing, that any more substantial a relationship with her is not possible. I don't want to risk the cops at my door over my calling her and I don't want to go through this heartache each time she does a cut off. It is too hurtful. My sister is 54. If she can't figure out how to have a functional relationship with me by now, I doubt it will ever happen.</p><p></p><p>She will never accept a relationship where we just talk about the weather so I guess we are pretty much done.</p><p></p><p>I do not consider what I grew up with and have now as family. My family to me are my children and my dear husband. I guess I can include my father, since he is agreeing to my boundaries whereas he can't say, "You're a loser and a &*%^." But, trust me, all I talk to Dad about is the weather. Like Sis, he twists the knife with knowledge. There are some who you trust with your secrets and they use it against you in a hurtful way. This is no longer something I want in my life. I am good having very superficial relationships with Dad and Sis.</p><p></p><p>Sis will never have the power to do another emotional cut off. She has already done about twenty and they tend to last a good three to six months to her longest...three years. And she won't communicate at all with me during those cut offs. I think I've lived through enough of them.</p><p></p><p>I can't even say 36 uses things against me. Talking about Sis is making 36 seem like a dream child to me...lol.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line: I don't do cut offs. You can always call me. You just have to speak respectfully and be nice. I don't think that's asking too much. Even Scott, after all these years, can call me if he likes. Cut offs are cruel, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>I am done with my sister's way of running away from uncomfortable topics and punishing me in ways that really hurt.</p><p></p><p>I want peace. I have almost attained 90% peace. Every time she does a cut off, the peace is replaced by angst, sadness and a little guilt, even though I don't know what I did.</p><p></p><p>To me, family is who loves you, not who shares your DNA. If I felt that way about DNA, I could not love my adopted children so much that I'd easily walk through fire or a barrage of bullets to save their lives. But, I admit, I would not do that for my sister. I'd be sad if anything bad happened to her, but I wouldn't risk my life for her because she is not as precious to me as those I consider family...and DNA does not equal family to me.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for your kind thoughts. As always, much appreciated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627179, member: 1550"] Thanks for your input, SS. I have to sadly laugh. My father was so absent in my life, although he lived in my house, that it was like I had no father at all. He is still that way...disinterested in anything that is not centered around him. Would I rather have lived with an uncle? Haha. I only had one uncle, Mom's brother, and he was as bad as my father, if not worse. I think many people had it worse than me, but on a scale of 1-10 as far as family dysfunction, I give my own DNA collection a big ole 3. I give them the three because at least they didn't break the law! But they were abusive, scary, demeaning and non-supportive of us all and they loved to cause fights/divisions/heck, wars. There will be no more continued effort on my part with Sis. I am not going to have that in my life. I mean, if she calls me, and I do mean if SHE calls ME, I will talk shortly with her about the weather and our health, but nothing more and hopefully not often. I realize now, from a lot of research I'm doing, that any more substantial a relationship with her is not possible. I don't want to risk the cops at my door over my calling her and I don't want to go through this heartache each time she does a cut off. It is too hurtful. My sister is 54. If she can't figure out how to have a functional relationship with me by now, I doubt it will ever happen. She will never accept a relationship where we just talk about the weather so I guess we are pretty much done. I do not consider what I grew up with and have now as family. My family to me are my children and my dear husband. I guess I can include my father, since he is agreeing to my boundaries whereas he can't say, "You're a loser and a &*%^." But, trust me, all I talk to Dad about is the weather. Like Sis, he twists the knife with knowledge. There are some who you trust with your secrets and they use it against you in a hurtful way. This is no longer something I want in my life. I am good having very superficial relationships with Dad and Sis. Sis will never have the power to do another emotional cut off. She has already done about twenty and they tend to last a good three to six months to her longest...three years. And she won't communicate at all with me during those cut offs. I think I've lived through enough of them. I can't even say 36 uses things against me. Talking about Sis is making 36 seem like a dream child to me...lol. Bottom line: I don't do cut offs. You can always call me. You just have to speak respectfully and be nice. I don't think that's asking too much. Even Scott, after all these years, can call me if he likes. Cut offs are cruel, in my opinion. I am done with my sister's way of running away from uncomfortable topics and punishing me in ways that really hurt. I want peace. I have almost attained 90% peace. Every time she does a cut off, the peace is replaced by angst, sadness and a little guilt, even though I don't know what I did. To me, family is who loves you, not who shares your DNA. If I felt that way about DNA, I could not love my adopted children so much that I'd easily walk through fire or a barrage of bullets to save their lives. But, I admit, I would not do that for my sister. I'd be sad if anything bad happened to her, but I wouldn't risk my life for her because she is not as precious to me as those I consider family...and DNA does not equal family to me. Thanks for your kind thoughts. As always, much appreciated. [/QUOTE]
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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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