Sweetie, he is a 19yo MAN. You cannot force him to take medications, go to school, work, see a doctor or go to court. If he is on bail under your name, go and revoke it. If you don't and he misses court, call the bail bondsman and tell them you want to help them get him and do that. Tehn call difficult child and tell him you have $$ for him and to meet you somewhere.
DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOME AGAIN. I know how 'mean' that sounds. But sweetie, you are an abused mother. Your child is abusing you.
WHY is it that when our children are abusive, we feel that WE messed up and it is OUR fault? I know dang well, and you do too, that you taught him not to act that way and that we don't treat family that way. You would NOT let a plumber or friend or workman or ANYONE else back into your home who acted that way. How on earth will difficult child EVER learn to change this behavior if you don't show him that it is totally unacceptable and has very real consequences.
When difficult child comes into the home, how do you feel? Does your heart beat faster, do you get nervous, tense, wait for the anger to start? Do you feel you are walking on eggshells? Is this the way you are supposed to feel around your child? How do you WANT to feel when difficult child is around you? Safe, loved, calm, happy? I know you don't feel that way - I have been there. How will difficult child EVER learn to not treat a loved one worse than he would treat a dog if you continue to allow him to treat you this way? Is this how you want his wife and children to feel around him? Or would you rather that they know he won't ever hurt them or abuse them? As moms, we feel it is our job to teach our children how to behave, how to be good husbands and fathers so that they will have great families. If you let difficult child stay in your home again, if you let him treat you like this, how will he treat his wife and children? How will he treat a boss or coworkers when they want him to work? What charges will he face then?
I know you worry about him, that you love him and that it
hurts to have him removed by the cops and to tell him he cannot be in your home. How much will it hurt to see or to know that he is treating your grandbaby this way when the baby wants a bottle or is crying because it wants a cuddle but he is 'busy' or tired? WOuld you rather hurt now while he is young and able to learn to behave differently, or would you rather hurt later thinking that you could have taken a stand now and maybe, just maybe kept that baby safe and feelng loved by giving your son the boot to the keister he needs to learn that he simply cannot treat people he loves this way? Right now you have his attention. Sure he is mad, but he knows deep down that he is the one in the wrong, even if he won't admit it to himself.
Do you have a therapist? Please, if you don't, find one who can understand the situation. Print out this post and take it to the therapist and ask if you should have allowed the manchild to abuse you or if you should keep your boundary? by the way, if the therapist says to allow the abuse, RUN because she is an idiot. tonight, why not call a DV hotline and ask if this is DV. I know when people kept telling me that gfgbro was abusing me and my kids by saying similar things to me, and damaging my property and person, but no one but husband, my kids and I ever saw it, that talking to a stranger on the phone was a real wakeup call. The lady I spoke to asked me to name one person that it would be okay to have treat my daughter that way when she was the age I was at the time. That one question rocked my world, along with having heard my 2 babies crying in their sleep for their uncle to not hurt them or me, hearing them promise not to leave a shirt at my parents or leave any crumbs on the floor or counter. those things the same night were what I needed after everyone here got me to really SEE how my brother was abusing US. For years I said it was 'just me' and it was 'okay' because it would hurt my parents too much to cut him out of my life. I saw that night that my role as daughter was priority 4 after my role as mom, wife and person (not necessarily in that order though parent had to be #1 for me then), and it was a distant #4.
I know some of how guilty you feel, and how hard that was. But this is a life lesson that difficult child NEEDS. If you cannot think of your safety in your home as your top priority, then maybe thinking of this as his need for this lesson having to be a higher priority than your pain might be a way to think of this to keep your resolve.
What to do if difficult child comes by when you are not home? Call the cops. He does not live there, he was removed by the cops, he has no right to be there. If he destroys anything, then he needs more of a lesson. WHich means pressing charges.
Court is NOT your responsibility. If he needs help remembering the date, he can call you, husband or the court to find out when it is. If he skips it, then HE will pay that penalty. YOU did NOT commit the crime that he is accused of, did you? He IS an adult, legally, isn't he? Being the parent of a 19yo is hard, but it is also a very differnt job in many ways than it was when he was younger than 18. Now you must do all you can to make him independent. I know he has problems, but they are NOt excuses for not taking care of HIS court date and HIS place to live and HIS behavior. Now your job is to step back and make sure that he gets the natural consequences for abusing you and yoru property, and that if he falls/fails, then he is the one who feels the pain of that CHOICE.
I really want you to think of this as ALLOWiNG him to be a man. At this point if you indulge this behavior by allowing him to go with-o consequences, you are keeping him dependent on you and keeping him from becoming a man. That totally is NOT the goal of being the parent of an adult, even a young adult. Our job as parents, much as it can hoover, is to make sure they feel the pain of their bad decisions, and to make sure they see our pride and joy in their good decisions. Not being allowed to live at home after you attack your mother is the best possible gift you can give him.
WTH, SUSIE??? GIFT???? GIFT???? HOW IN HADES IS THIS A GIFT???????
Yeah, I heard that.
It really IS a gift. You allowed him to leave the property and not come home. You GAVE him the gift of a fairly gentle real world consequence. If difficult child had done this in another person's home or in a business or really anywhere else but mom's house, he would NOt have gotten escorted out with his phone, charger and cash. He would have gotten a place to stay, one with nice bars and LOTS of people to talk to. Jail. For assault, at least verbal, for property damage for pushing the monitor, and possibly another assault for throwing the chair even if it didn't hit anyone - attempted assault f ti didn't, plus another property damage for tossing the chair. That sure would have looked BAD in court for whatever he is already going for.
this gives him a chance to learn that this behavior is NOT tolerated, and it gives him a chance to figure out how to support himself. That is a gift. It truly is. Independence is something that we all need, and this is a way for him to prove to himself that he can be. He also had the gift of not being beat up by the person who's home he was abusive in, who's property he damaged. I know people who would have shot, stabbed or bludgeoned him for throwing a chair and pushing a monitor over. He probably does too.So by being given a chance to CHOOSE to learn how to behave properly with-o criminal charges or returning his violence, you gave him a GIFT. The gift of adult consequences for behaving badly as an adult.
in my opinion this makes you an AWESOME mom not a bad one. I know that difficult child won't agree, but be honest? How many times is difficult child rational and right about his behavior and choices? About anything that he doesn't want to do? He is a manchild and isn't yet an adult. the more you pamper and baby him and allow this behavior, the longer it will be before he becomes an adult. Give him the gift of allowing him to be an adult.
PLEASE make sure you see a therapist about this. One trained in DV who can see clearly and will let you know that you totally did the right thing.