Social difficulties/loner by choice--what do you do?

[InsaneCdn]

OK, I'm going to have to write this up elsewhere - and post it later.
But... I have a funny feeling all the "psychosis" and "mental health" problems are both secondary, and caused by SCHOOL.

There are answers...

 

[Malika]

It's a difficult one, isn't it, because the more she isolates, the more she will want to be alone and the more she will shy away from making the effort with friends. At the same time, as has been said repeatedly here, you cannot force her to be more social - very counterproductive, I would have thought. Is there anything she likes doing that she could join a club or a group to do? So that she is there primarily for the activity but the social context could be a bonus and maybe lead to friendships.

 

[BusynMember]

well, i just read MWM last post.

she summed up my difficult child EXACTLY.

i do mean, exactly.

and much more concisely than i ever could.


I understand her. People tend to think their kids should be in some group, but loners tend to HATE the idea of groups of people and do better one on one and with people THEY choose. She sounds a lot like I was I was also very creative and HIGH ANXIETY!!!!

I was also different. I never envied "popular" kids. I felt sorry for them, didn't want a thing to do with them. They seemed to be so mean to each other. Plus I thought they were full of themselves and too often int he limelight, which I did not want. One thing I liked and still like about myself is that I'm very unique...however, I do not do well in groups of people (although I can do great one on one with the right people).

 

[buddy]

I understand her. People tend to think their kids should be in some group, but loners tend to HATE the idea of groups of people and do better one on one and with people THEY choose. She sounds a lot like I was I was also very creative and HIGH ANXIETY!!!!

OH I totally agree...I was responding to I guess what sounded like she would kind of want to do things, then the anxiety (or something) would overtake her so did she really want to or didn't she???? so just thinking about what might make her happier to stick with it ...if that is what she wants. I do think its ok to be someone who likes to be alone. I think we need to support kids who feel lonely though. It might be that those kids dont want to be alone but it is just where they are due to skills or shyness or anxiety etc. and they give up. That is why I was wondering what she actually

I am the same as what I saw posted, I can socialize with anyone, I've gotten good at it, but it is NOT comfortable and I HATE group things, like parties where you walk into a bunch and have to find your place....yuck.

 

[BusynMember]

buddy, I think you're great I was not really talking about you...just in general

 

[buddy]

buddy, I think you're great I was not really talking about you...just in general

oh you're sweet, I didn't take it personally just realized I didn't feel like I wrote my post very clearly....the downside of typing, no intonation to help. If any of you heard me, I am usually pretty middle of the road, not too ruffled about little things, and I love the opinions we share, if we all said the exact same thing then we wouldn't have options to choose from that help our individual situations. I love that about this group. Wish IEP teams would take a page from everyone here that way!

 

[Hound dog]

As a kid I was very similar to MWM. Ok, as an adult I'm still that way.

I hated jr high and high school due to all the cliques and the stupid nonsense that goes along with them. I was picky about whom I chose to befriend. I didn't go in for gossipy back biting nit picking let's make fun of everyone sort of deal. Which, let's face it, at your daughter's age.....it's what 99 percent of the kids do. I had enough drama going on at home that the last thing I wanted was to be involved with it somewhere else, I avoided it whenever possible.

I had a few close friends. But I was friendly with most people. Friendly and friends are not the same thing, especially at that age.

Sounds like this girl who wants so desperately to be difficult children friend is trying too hard, is too desperate, and so is turning difficult child off. Reminds me of a girl whom I chose to be nice to once in jr high......took me 2 years to get her to finally stop stalking me. (ok, not actual stalking per se but it was almost as bad) She was ok, but the behavior turned me totally off.

For the most part I let my kids chose their own friends. Only time I'd step in is when a kid would be far too difficult child and would make mine worse. easy child had tons of friends was very social. Travis of course didn't get the whole social thing. Nichole was more a loner like me but she did have a small group of friends.......and they were all the type they didn't have to hang out together every second to know they were close friends. Know what I mean??

At 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions about what makes her comfortable socially. When the whole gaga for boys thing hits.......you may be wishing she was still a loner. lol

 

[HaoZi]

You fix what can and needs to be fixed, like the vitamin deficiencies. I'm a loner myself, I have off beat interests, but I also have friends. Most of which are online - this allows me to tune out when I need to be by myself and socialize when I want to, with whom I want to. Most of my RL life friends are friends I made back when I was about her age, not many of them but you see how long those friendships have lasted. Quality over quantity. You can't force that, and trying to just makes it worse. My friends have a wide age range, come from all over, etc. It widens my world in a way that dealing with the neurotypical people that are most of my RL could never do.

 

[confuzzled]

i think my fixation on the whole thing stems from all the "experts" in our world that insist she needs all this socialization so i try to follow their reccomendations.

but after reading this thread and everything that was said i think its unrealistic in mine's case. like someone said--she functions in school around people...its not like she is a selective mute. i really have decided i'm going to leave it alone and let it happen naturally. if she meets someone that she gels with and wants to hang out with i'll continue to encourage her to, but for the most part i'm going to let her be.

there are much worse things in life than "Vanting to be alone". :-D

thanks to all of you--i really appreciated all of your perspectives and it gave me a lot to think about.