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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 614871" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/chochypnosmiley.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hypnotized:" title="hypnotized :hypnotized:" data-shortname=":hypnotized:" /></p><p></p><p>Now, that is a cute thing. Give me all your chocolate, indeed. I love it.</p><p></p><p>I was thinking about fear today, Recovering. Fear, and anger. I am becoming so sensitive to my own anger. Maybe, it is part of unnumbing in general? I have been short-tempered, lately. But just today I was thinking about the futility of that anger response, and of how much fear is involved in anger. </p><p></p><p>I was angry, when I began sort of observing that I was angry? And it went away. I mean, it just sort of dribbled away. Like a Wizard of Oz thing. Just a guy behind a curtain.</p><p></p><p>There are so many different kinds of anger.</p><p></p><p>It's (anger) an ego thing, for sure. It has to do with the story we tell ourselves about what is happening. There is so much habit in what we tell ourselves about what is happening. We automatically believe it (the story we tell ourselves) because we've told it for so long. I suppose that is how we learned to interpret everything in our families of origin. (And given my family of origin, those would be some darn good questions to reinterpret.) </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>It can be about fear of change. </p><p></p><p>So, it isn't real. Yet, in the grip of it, we say and do the strangest, most awful things. I wonder what the real emotion is?</p><p></p><p>So, I am thinking it is fear of annihilation. The ego's fear of annihilation, maybe? That same wild energy is what fuels incredible physical feats. So, we become angry because of the way we've defined our situation to ourselves. Like you, Recovering, sometimes I am quiet, just sort of observing, really seeing, not protecting, not managing, not smiling or making everyone comfortable or happy. Part of that has to be that whole redefinition thing. I am redefining what merits attention, it seems like. And when I slip back into my old ways (for instance, I was at a Christmas party tonight, and behaved joyfully and appreciatively ~ which was appropriate...but I was conscious of being "on" if you know what I mean.</p><p></p><p>That is what I would say the difference is, now. I am less "on" and more...curious about what I see, I guess. There seems to be a pause now, a time to taste the flavor of a thing. Not to relish it, but just to see what it is.</p><p></p><p>You are right, Recovering. It is something fuller, now. There is a space between automatic, between that feeling of taking part in a play, and just...stepping out of it, for a little while.</p><p></p><p>******************</p><p></p><p>So, this is what has happened with difficult child daughter. I will have to post on PE about it, but maybe not until tomorrow. </p><p></p><p>She spent the night last night with the bad man from last summer.</p><p></p><p>It is very cold where she is. Something like 7 degrees below zero last night, I think she said...and they slept outside. Broke a window to get onto the porch of an abandoned house, and that is where they slept. There was a mattress there, and a blanket.</p><p></p><p>husband did not go to the Christmas party, tonight. He received a call from the ex-husband. This is very unusual. We generally communicate through FB. Well, anyway, he wanted to actually talk to us because he has noticed some strangenesses in difficult child daughter that weren't there while she was hospitalized. Poor husband is such a basket case lately that he never did tell me what ex-husband wanted. I am to call him, tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>But I was thinking, just today, that difficult child daughter is acting very differently than she did, in the hospital.</p><p></p><p>Could it be possible she is using drugs or drinking, again? I thought that would be impossible. Who would DO that? She was only discharged last Monday.</p><p></p><p>But, given that she spent the night with the bad man from last summer and his "family", that is what difficult child daughter <u>is</u> doing.</p><p></p><p>While we are scrambling around looking for cars and tickets and sending money. $150 the day she was discharged from the hospital, so she could buy a cheap phone and necessities. It was gone in three days. No phone. Said she bought makeup and Christmas presents for the kids for when she goes to see them...and wants more money. So hurt and angry because she cannot even buy coffee. And bus fare is so expensive.</p><p></p><p>And we are turning around and around, wondering what the h*** to do. </p><p></p><p>She said on FB that her father should not leave to come up there yet because she may be transferred to a shelter in a nearby state. I mean, it's not like we can just zip across the country. We have to buy a winter car or take a plane and then worry about how to get difficult child out of there when she cannot fly because of the collapsed lung thing.</p><p></p><p>I am rambling on. So sorry! It is late, and I did have a drink at the party and then, one with husband.</p><p></p><p>I mean, how do you not help someone who has just nearly been beat to death? But how do you knowingly take on an...addict? A practicing alcoholic? The mother of the man who beat difficult child daughter FB me that they were both taking pills and drinking. I didn't believe her ~ well, I did believe her about the man, but not about difficult child. </p><p></p><p>So...what a strange night. I am so fearful of deciding to turn away. Of course we cannot do that. But that might be what we do have to do.</p><p></p><p>What in the world.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 614871, member: 17461"] :chochypnosmiley: Now, that is a cute thing. Give me all your chocolate, indeed. I love it. I was thinking about fear today, Recovering. Fear, and anger. I am becoming so sensitive to my own anger. Maybe, it is part of unnumbing in general? I have been short-tempered, lately. But just today I was thinking about the futility of that anger response, and of how much fear is involved in anger. I was angry, when I began sort of observing that I was angry? And it went away. I mean, it just sort of dribbled away. Like a Wizard of Oz thing. Just a guy behind a curtain. There are so many different kinds of anger. It's (anger) an ego thing, for sure. It has to do with the story we tell ourselves about what is happening. There is so much habit in what we tell ourselves about what is happening. We automatically believe it (the story we tell ourselves) because we've told it for so long. I suppose that is how we learned to interpret everything in our families of origin. (And given my family of origin, those would be some darn good questions to reinterpret.) :O) It can be about fear of change. So, it isn't real. Yet, in the grip of it, we say and do the strangest, most awful things. I wonder what the real emotion is? So, I am thinking it is fear of annihilation. The ego's fear of annihilation, maybe? That same wild energy is what fuels incredible physical feats. So, we become angry because of the way we've defined our situation to ourselves. Like you, Recovering, sometimes I am quiet, just sort of observing, really seeing, not protecting, not managing, not smiling or making everyone comfortable or happy. Part of that has to be that whole redefinition thing. I am redefining what merits attention, it seems like. And when I slip back into my old ways (for instance, I was at a Christmas party tonight, and behaved joyfully and appreciatively ~ which was appropriate...but I was conscious of being "on" if you know what I mean. That is what I would say the difference is, now. I am less "on" and more...curious about what I see, I guess. There seems to be a pause now, a time to taste the flavor of a thing. Not to relish it, but just to see what it is. You are right, Recovering. It is something fuller, now. There is a space between automatic, between that feeling of taking part in a play, and just...stepping out of it, for a little while. ****************** So, this is what has happened with difficult child daughter. I will have to post on PE about it, but maybe not until tomorrow. She spent the night last night with the bad man from last summer. It is very cold where she is. Something like 7 degrees below zero last night, I think she said...and they slept outside. Broke a window to get onto the porch of an abandoned house, and that is where they slept. There was a mattress there, and a blanket. husband did not go to the Christmas party, tonight. He received a call from the ex-husband. This is very unusual. We generally communicate through FB. Well, anyway, he wanted to actually talk to us because he has noticed some strangenesses in difficult child daughter that weren't there while she was hospitalized. Poor husband is such a basket case lately that he never did tell me what ex-husband wanted. I am to call him, tomorrow. But I was thinking, just today, that difficult child daughter is acting very differently than she did, in the hospital. Could it be possible she is using drugs or drinking, again? I thought that would be impossible. Who would DO that? She was only discharged last Monday. But, given that she spent the night with the bad man from last summer and his "family", that is what difficult child daughter [U]is[/U] doing. While we are scrambling around looking for cars and tickets and sending money. $150 the day she was discharged from the hospital, so she could buy a cheap phone and necessities. It was gone in three days. No phone. Said she bought makeup and Christmas presents for the kids for when she goes to see them...and wants more money. So hurt and angry because she cannot even buy coffee. And bus fare is so expensive. And we are turning around and around, wondering what the h*** to do. She said on FB that her father should not leave to come up there yet because she may be transferred to a shelter in a nearby state. I mean, it's not like we can just zip across the country. We have to buy a winter car or take a plane and then worry about how to get difficult child out of there when she cannot fly because of the collapsed lung thing. I am rambling on. So sorry! It is late, and I did have a drink at the party and then, one with husband. I mean, how do you not help someone who has just nearly been beat to death? But how do you knowingly take on an...addict? A practicing alcoholic? The mother of the man who beat difficult child daughter FB me that they were both taking pills and drinking. I didn't believe her ~ well, I did believe her about the man, but not about difficult child. So...what a strange night. I am so fearful of deciding to turn away. Of course we cannot do that. But that might be what we do have to do. What in the world. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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