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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625419" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>So if you decide to take the very good advice of MWM and Cedar, Up, I always have a disconnect myself between "getting" what I need to do and "doing" it. </p><p></p><p>How do you stand by and watch and still engage with a situation that is so unacceptable to you? How do you let them make their own mistakes, their own choices, their own disasters (sometimes) and keep hands off? Especially when little children are involved.</p><p></p><p>Here is a process that helps me:</p><p></p><p>1. Create some distance. Not mean, cold silence but just be unavailable a lot of the time. That means I don't answer the phone, I let calls go to voice mail, I don't write back to letters, at least for a while, and I'm not available to get together when difficult child wants to. </p><p>I'm kind about it, and polite about it, but I create some distance and time and space for me.</p><p>2. Write it down. Write down what you want to say and do and keep it handy. When you do talk on the phone, read from the script. I know it sounds remedial, but if you're like me, your mind empties and thoughts start racing when difficult child is on the other end of the phone. My rational mind takes a hike. I don't know where it goes, but I can say and do things I have no intention of saying or doing. Writing it down and having it with me has helped me break that habit.</p><p>3. Work on myself. Spend that extra time and space focusing on my own life. Doing kind things for myself. Taking care of my own responsibilities. Using my tools. </p><p></p><p>I find that as I do the above things, I start to detach. And my detachment is not only good for me---which is my first goal, today---but also good for difficult child. It gives him some time and space and a chance to live his own life without constant interaction from me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But he has a chance to do something different---and that is up to him.</p><p></p><p>A lot of the time, people don't like the new me and the new process. There is a lot of anger and pushing hard to keep things the way they are. That is a symptom of setting boundaries and change and detachment. That is normal. That is especially when I have to redouble my efforts to the above three steps. </p><p></p><p>Just because people are mad at me, doesn't mean I need to do anything different. I used to think that was automatic---somebody is mad so I need to do something different. Sometimes that is true, because I have violated somebody else's boundaries, but many times, it is not true. </p><p></p><p>Caring as much for my own self as I do for someone else means I can see that difference more clearly today. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to you, Up. This is tough stuff. Your son is just as responsible for his own life and choices as his wife is. They have chosen to be together and they must figure it out together. Or not. There really is not a role for you to play here unless it's being a distant, loving grandparent. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625419, member: 17542"] So if you decide to take the very good advice of MWM and Cedar, Up, I always have a disconnect myself between "getting" what I need to do and "doing" it. How do you stand by and watch and still engage with a situation that is so unacceptable to you? How do you let them make their own mistakes, their own choices, their own disasters (sometimes) and keep hands off? Especially when little children are involved. Here is a process that helps me: 1. Create some distance. Not mean, cold silence but just be unavailable a lot of the time. That means I don't answer the phone, I let calls go to voice mail, I don't write back to letters, at least for a while, and I'm not available to get together when difficult child wants to. I'm kind about it, and polite about it, but I create some distance and time and space for me. 2. Write it down. Write down what you want to say and do and keep it handy. When you do talk on the phone, read from the script. I know it sounds remedial, but if you're like me, your mind empties and thoughts start racing when difficult child is on the other end of the phone. My rational mind takes a hike. I don't know where it goes, but I can say and do things I have no intention of saying or doing. Writing it down and having it with me has helped me break that habit. 3. Work on myself. Spend that extra time and space focusing on my own life. Doing kind things for myself. Taking care of my own responsibilities. Using my tools. I find that as I do the above things, I start to detach. And my detachment is not only good for me---which is my first goal, today---but also good for difficult child. It gives him some time and space and a chance to live his own life without constant interaction from me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But he has a chance to do something different---and that is up to him. A lot of the time, people don't like the new me and the new process. There is a lot of anger and pushing hard to keep things the way they are. That is a symptom of setting boundaries and change and detachment. That is normal. That is especially when I have to redouble my efforts to the above three steps. Just because people are mad at me, doesn't mean I need to do anything different. I used to think that was automatic---somebody is mad so I need to do something different. Sometimes that is true, because I have violated somebody else's boundaries, but many times, it is not true. Caring as much for my own self as I do for someone else means I can see that difference more clearly today. Hugs to you, Up. This is tough stuff. Your son is just as responsible for his own life and choices as his wife is. They have chosen to be together and they must figure it out together. Or not. There really is not a role for you to play here unless it's being a distant, loving grandparent. Hang in there. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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