Solving problems that aren't there

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

I went to an Alanon meeting last night and got some insight. We were talking about confusion and someone read a passage from the Alanon book that said "When I know too much about my options before the time is right to exercise those options, I tend to use the information only to drive myself crazy. That's why today, when I am feeling confused, I try to consider it grace. It may not be time for me to act".

A few days ago my son had texted me that he might want to change sober living houses... and then I didn't hear from him at all. I texted him but it looked like my texts were not going through. I was getting worried and then yesterday he texted me that he was meeting with his therapist and they wanted to call me at 4pm today.

My head went immediately to he wants something. Is he going to try to convince us that he needs to move and that we should give him more money to do that? He probably got mad or angry at something and now he needs to stay and work it out. I was getting myself geared up to say No.... but like another thread has talked about it is hard to do that. I would do it and was trying to get clear but I had that whole feeling of dread and resentment.

Last night I realized I was gearing up for a solution when I didn't even really know what the problem was!!!

I had emailed his therapist and she did say things were ok but I had no more info.

So at 4 today they called. He wasn't calling to get anything. He has worked out whatever issue it was that he had. He is staying put. He is looking for a job. He thinks it was a good decision to stay down there. He is going to meetings every day!!!

I put all that energy into the problem I had in my head!! I do that all the time with him.... often there is a problem but really I need to wait to know what it is before I try to solve it, if only to give myself more peace and serenity.

Our relationship needs a lot of work, that is clear from todays conversation... but we are starting to work on it with the therapist who is wonderful. She is trying to move him towards communicating with us more... I mean it would have helped if he had followed up with a text of never mind worked it out or something... rather than leaving me to worry.... but I also need to keep working on letting go and not worrying so much when I don't know what is going on.

I later got a call from the sober house mom, or whatever you call her. She said things are going well. They recently did a drug test for his probation and he passed. Phew.

So one more lesson for me in letting go.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I think we train ourselves to find the solution before the problem is even known from years of dealing with our difficult child's and always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I know for me I've tried to fix things for so many years now, it's hard to give that up. It would help of course if I saw difficult child making some progress. I have always been a problem solver, it is so hard to sit back and watch her make her own mistakes because they are huge ones.

I'm thrilled that he worked out whatever problem there was and it sounds like he is making good decisions.

Nancy

 

[susiestar]

This is a really common problem. i have a lot to do on this issue myself. I am glad that you can see where you were doing this and that a change might be healthy.

I am glad he worked this out with the resources he has there. He sure sounds like he is making good choices!

My big problem with this is that I want to think of all the problems and solutions for every option that comes my way, esp in regard to my birth family (parents/bro). I was trained to do this as a kid but it isn't a healthy thing for me right now. This is a reminder that I needed today also. Thanks.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think this is a problem even for parents of so called normal kids. Or at least I know I do it with all of mine so I maybe I just have no reference to what is normal. I immediately go to "oh gosh, what is wrong? what did/do they need now" mode. I know if I dont know where Cory is or if I dont hear from him for more than a normal amount of time, my first instinct is that he has gotten arrested. It is always the first thought that goes through my mind. Never that he is hurt, never that he is stuck somewhere. Just arrested. With Billy I worry that he has wrecked the car and is stuck in a ditch...lol. Now why I wouldnt think he would call immediately since he never goes anywhere without that cell phone I dont know but I constantly worry. Im much better about Jamie because he isnt in my face constantly. I also am a constant worrier about Tony if he isnt home exactly when he should be home. If he is even so much as 15 minutes late, I start to worry. Did the van break down, did he have a wreck, did he get pulled over? Normally its nothing to worry about at all. Some little hiccup like they ran a bit late leaving the job but all this is why we have two cell phones but half the time Tony infuriates me and forgets his phone at home and then I could strangle him! Thats about the time when his phone goes flying at him when he walks in the door and I start my rant about why are we paying for two phones if he isnt even going to use it...lol.