Some things just don't change

[NOLA]

He’s been home for 2 months now. The heartache (and every other horrible feeling a parent could have) of not knowing where he was for 6 months is still fresh in my mind but we are almost back to square one. He is working, he’s paid back $100 of the $300 he stole, has been cooperative, he’s never come after curfew (with-out calling to say he’d be 10 mins late) however, long story short, he is using again-probably never stopped-got the latest screen back from the PO & he was positive for cocaine.

I met with-the PO and asked that he file another violation, told him that the community service still hasn’t been served and wanted to know our options – basically if we could put him out at 17. Next court date is 4/24 – he may be able to move it up. He said the court can order him into treatment but believe it or not couldn’t give me a definite about showing him the door. Came home to find a teeny bit of weed on his desk that he must have overlooked, papers in the drawer & condoms. We didn’t confront him when he came home since he was scheduled to take the GED the next day.

Well, he tells me at 11:30 pm he’s lost the address (which he swears someone moved his paperwork) – I drove him around at 7:00 am to where I thought it may be but I had to go to work so dropped him back home & just said ‘sorry, that didn’t work out for you, you may want to call and reschedule’.

So now we must make the decision to A) not say anything to him & have the PO move the date up and just have the judge order treatment B) tell him the gig is up, take away all niceties, etc., but run the risk that he will bolt or C) beat him to it and just tell him he must move out immediately because he is using drugs period

Any thoughts will help me == the longer I mull it over the crazier I get. I want to DO SOMETHING by this weekend.

Happy Easter...

 

[ck1]

Uugghh! I am so sorry...can't offer much advice but wanted to send huge (((((hugs))))) for your hurting mommy heart! If you're not sure what to do yet then don't do anything until you get as much information as possible. I'm sure you want him out of the house because he is not following very important rules, but if you could get him into treatment that would be best, if, of course, he wants help. Could you work with CYS or take him to a youth shelter instead of showing him the door? Just my first thoughts....

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I would not want to be in your shoes, NOLA.

I usually have advice. In your situation, I am no sure what I would do either.

Care for a hug?

 

[everywoman]

This is hard. Until you know if you can put him out I would not confront him with what you know. You do not want him to run again. I would have the PO move the date up. Another option is to have him commited against his will. I have done this twice with mine. Both times I had to go to Probate Court---see the judge---take the commitment papers to my sheriff's department. They came and picked him up---took him to the hospital where he met with mental health. Then he was sent to a treatment center. They only kept him 9 days but it was long enough to make some other plans---and it would give the PO time to move his date up.
How many times can he violate without being sent to jail????

 

[IKeepPraying]

In CA, being a child rights state, my behind would be sitting in jail if I had kicked my son out of the house before 18....I was stuck doing the "Count Down" As a gift on his 18th birthday I gave him a choice, follow my list of rules and continue living here or get your bags and leave(which I had packed by the front door) He chose the door. As you may have noticed my count down on other threads....
I searched him daily when he came home...Actually didnt realize this until it was too late, I should have searched him before he would leave too since he was stealing from us.

Just to add, the police did tell me that all I have to provide him with is food and a bed to sleep in. They didnt say what kind of bed. So when we found drugs in his room (he had cut into the mattress and pillows and hid them in there, he ran away for a couple of weeks. We completely cleared out his room. When he returned,All he had when he came back was an air mattress on the floor, and a sheet and no door. couldnt cut into that mattress! We may had to keep him here, but all the extras are not required. Never let him get his DL either.

 

[Mikey]

NOLA, sorry if I don't remember...

But has your son been through any kind of long-term residential rehab? We're facing the same thing with McWeedy, and after the judge, the prosecutor, AND his attorney all told him how serious the situation was, well, he was much more open to the inpatient rehab/halfway house option if it kept him out of jail (or shortened his sentence). No guarantees he'll get it (he's sitting on his duff waiting - in vain - for someone else to "make it all happen"), but he's definitely sniffing around.

I've gotten referrals to two good programs up in my area, and I'm aware of one good one down in your area of the country. Maybe you could use our goal for McWeedy as an "option four": Get to rehab, stay in the program, WORK the program, get out and go to a halfway house (there's a really good one just up the river from you), and you won't go to jail. Anything else, we boot you out and then call your PO (not necessarily in that order).

I don't know if that'll work for you, but at least it's another option. PM me if you like.

Mikey

 

[standswithcourage]

We did the same. If I were you, just advice, I would either call the PO and have them deal with it - I have done that - called them and told them whata was going on and they moved his date up and put him in jail - which was better than him self destructing in our house or on the street - or also you could have him involuntarility commited like I Keep Praying said - we also had that done twice - it is hard I know but if the police find drugs in your house, even pot, you could be held accountable - we had the same thing happen - our house was searched by the police because our neighbors saw our difficult child doing something in his bedroom and called the police - we took everything out of o ur sons room - carpet, furniture, everything - there is nothing in there now except for walls and floor - he is in jail. Good l uck - there are worse places than jail - dead or on the street. Keep hoping.

 

[SONS GONE WILD]

NOLA,

If you can hold on a little longer, I'd try to get the judge to order him to rehab. My difficult child is voluntarily going to an intensive outpatient rehab, is on suboxone, and doing pretty well. I hold my breath every day, knowing that he could slip up at any time, but he is doing much better. Still drinking (not his "drug" of choice though) and smoking weed some, but is off of the hard stuff unless he can hide this (evidently you can't do the hard stuff while on Suboxone because you get sick). This program doesn't pull everything from them all at once (my difficult child would have said f-you and would not be going if they had) - it is a gradual process.

Hang tough -

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes - that is the best way also to get the judge to order him into a program. Then if he bolts you will not have to carry the burden and he cant come running home saying help me - he either goes to jail or something! You never know what will work.

 

[secretly sad]

Well , I would remember, you did not cause his behavior, you can not control it and cannot cure it. I would tell him that you will not tolerate drug usage and you know he is using , so he will have to live elsewhere. He found places to live over the past 6 mos, so he will survive. But, I know you do not like whereever he was because he was using, but again, he has to hit bottom and want to change, otherwise everyone is spinning their wheels and really going crazy over him and he is just going on with the same using behavior trying to cope while using drugs.