Something bad is brewing......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child is still stuck in PA. We are trying to get him on a bus to NJ through the relocation program at the shelter but a couple of things are preventing that. The first is that apparently he has an active bench warrant in PA for "theft". I'm not sure if this stems from the original arrest (the only arrest I'm aware of) but I thought those charges were dismissed. Perhaps I'm wrong though. Maybe they just released him and he never went back to court? I really don't know and won't be able to find out until tomorrow. The second thing holding him back is that he has no ID.

    Anyway he just called and I can tell he's in one of his moods. He said "when am I getting out of here? I'm really starting to hate PA now". I told him we're all working on it and that he needs to be patient. He started getting a nasty attitude and I told him that he got himself into this mess and he should have had a plan instead of just taking off from the group home. He argued back that he did have a plan and it didn't work. Again, he takes no responsibility. It's everyone else's fault and he did nothing wrong. Uggggh! Makes me so damn angry!!!!

    It's painfully obvious to everyone but difficult child that he will never be happy no matter WHERE he is! The "high" of living somewhere new will last only a short amount of time and then he looks for his next great escape. And he refuses to take medications! OMG!!

    I'm trying to detach. I am! I'm actually proud of myself because I managed to have a nice Thanksgiving but I can feel that something bad is brewing. I can just tell by his surly attitude and his sense of entitlement. Everyone is trying to help him out of a situation that HE got himself into but its not good enough/quick enough/etc for him. I'm tired now. I hate this.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You can only do so much. All I have are many gentle hugs.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think most of us know exactly how tired you can get and how much you can hate this...........I'm sorry, I know how you feel. You're doing everything you can to help him and if he does something stupid, then he may really need to suffer the natural consequences of his actions. You have no control over his choices........I know that's hard for us parents, but it's true. That's why at some point, most of us get to the point of having to let're in the throes of that and it's hard.................something may be brewing, you may be right, in which case, you'll deal with it then and make whatever choices feel right to you at the time..............all you can do is stay in the present moment, breathe and let go...............sigh............more gentle hugs coming your way..............
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know I sound like a broken record. Same thing. Same complaints. All the time. It's exhausting. I really have been trying to stay calm and derail any bad thoughts that start to creep up on me. I did ok through the holiday and over the weekend and I will continue to work on that. I ordered some self help books and supplements that have worked for me in the past. I am trying to find a psychiatrist for myself but the ones that our insurance covers all have a waiting list. I have two more to call tomorrow out of the 17 names the insurance co gave me. Most are at the same practices which is why there are so many names but so few options. It's frustrating. I know I need help with what I believe is depression but everyone I've called says sorry can't help you try so and so. And so on........
  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm sorry, JKF. I know that bad feeling, when you hear a certain tone in your son's voice and his attitude goes south ... you can see the train wreck coming and you just have to wait for it. So disheartening. I'm glad you're taking steps for yourself, looking for a psychiatrist, taking care of your nutrition etc. We give and give so much that we end up in health crises, our resources depleted. Take care of yourself, and let things unfold as they're going to for your difficult child. You'll find out more in the next short while - try to be rested and feeling well, as strong as you can. Sending positive thoughts and cyber-hugs.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, you never sound like a broken record, you sound like a Mom with a broken heart. There are scores of us can we not go through all of this, they're our KIDS! We can only take this one moment to the next, it's remarkably painful and hard, don't now add beating yourself up because you haven't gotten through this without going through the agonies of the sucks............we all know that, so understand, 'the same old thing, the same old complaints' is just what it is, for all of us, no one does this detachment stuff easily with great hair and makeup..............we all look harried and worn out and don't sleep and worry and fret, just like you...............keep venting, repeat yourself, do whatever you need to do, say whatever you need to say, to get to the next minute....................You're doing great, moments of being ok, moments of being insane with fear, it's all part of it.

    Good for you for seeking help, taking supplements, reading books, I did all of that too, and it all helps. Take excellent care of YOU now, nurture YOU, be compassionate towards YOU..............shift that focus onto YOU and away from him......................lots of caring hugs coming to you ..........
  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Maybe the inconviences will make him think about what he can do better next time - or maybe not! It has not made my difficult child think things through.

    The books have helped me, meditation, and exercise. Find a hobby, anything to keep you moving so you are not constantly thinking of his problems. I know, easier said than done!

    in my opinion it is harder for the parents than them, we fear the worse. Hopefully one day the light bulb will go off for them.

    (((we all know how hard it is)))
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't be afraid to suspend "helping" him getting back from PA if he cops an attitude with you on the phone. You're doing him a huge favor here. I've been known to say things like "Do you want help or not? Because I can drop all this right now if you're going to treat me like koi. No skin off my back. It's not my mess." And I mean it. Sometimes that kicks them into being slightly nicer.

    To solve the mystery re the court stuff, you may be able to check the court records online in the PA county where he is, to see what's pending in his name. I'm pretty good at digging into that stuff (job hazard) if you want to PM me.
  9. JKF - Do not feel like a broken record. RE said it very well - you are broken hearted. That's what we are all here for - to support one another and offer the understanding that we can't get elsewhere.

    I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time finding a psychiatrist for yourself. I hope that gets resolved very quickly.

    It is good to hear that you are going to start your supplements again and taking care of your needs. It is so hard to do that for yourself when you're trying to help a difficult child but oh so important that you do it.

    And again - RE is right - you are doing very well. You are doing the best that you can. Sometimes you are going to be ok and able to enjoy moments and sometimes you aren't. I think it is all part of the process that we have to go through. It's like a roller coaster. When I feel like my son is driving the roller coaster and controlling things I have to remember that I need to look for a way to get off.

    Big hugs to you. I hope you get the answers you need today about the outstanding warrant/charges for theft and that difficult child is at least polite with you today.