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Something I have never understood about my difficult children.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 461509" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is pure distraction. May or may not be conscious, but it sure is effective and lots of them do it. They do something that creates a problem for you. You get upset and tell them that they have to change behavior. They don't want to, can't be bothered, etc... so they get upset and make a FAR bigger deal out of the fact that you were upset and try to convince you that you have NO RIGHT to be upset with them and that the problem is not what they have done but is YOU and what you have done.</p><p></p><p>If you let yourself get distracted by their koi about how you are the problem, they win. Pure and simple. You go into defensive mode, explain it isn't your fault, and are far far less likely to deal with the original problem by demanding something from them. Plus, you are upset, know that they will escalate things if you have to deal with the problems they create for you, and so you are less likely to hold them accountable in the future. </p><p></p><p>I fully agree that the do not see you in any way as a person on your own. You exist solely to do things for them and when you get upset at them because they have caused you a problem or pain, well, you have no right to that pain or to object because your sole purpose for existing is to do what they want and to give them what they want and to be their ATM/grocery store/etc... SO they attack because in their mind, you have no right to be upset because you don't matter and because the attack gets your mind back on them and their problems - WHERE THEY THINK IT BELONGS.</p><p></p><p>It is time to be creative. Hide things you don't want destroyed. Put food color or hair dye in the shampoo/conditioner/any other bottles you have sitting out. Container of food just for you? Get a little fridge and keep it behind a locked door in your room or in a pantry. Put strong locks on your door, or when you leave figure out a way to electrify the knob to give them a good shock. Yes, that is mean. Yes, it might get the grands - but they are learning from their mom that you are not a real person and have no right to your own things so it will be a good lesson. I metniong the shock doorknob because it is one of those little things Wiz rigged to keep my parents on their toes. He didn't do it, but he arranged it so he could. He also learned, fast and hard, that doing that would end a LOT of good things in his life, lol.</p><p></p><p>You have GOT to start embracing my parents motto: Old age and treachery beats youth and beauty every time.</p><p></p><p>And my mother's special life lesson for all of us: You have got to sleep sometime.</p><p></p><p>And my mother means her special lesson as a very clear threat to us. I have seen her do AMAZING things when gfgbro simply refused a life lesson - like don't sleep nude in front of the tv in the den. Duct tape from his openly exposed parts to his toes - he had hairy legs but a lot of that caem off with the tape. Tuna juice on his toes - that she tied down so he wouldn't kick the cat - and the cat locked in. </p><p></p><p>Between gfgbro and my first roommate, I had a LOT of fun with hair dye. Sometimes really really dark colors, other times the lightest bleach around. first roommate took my shampoo all the time. Same for body wash. Plus she sprayed perfume around the room every single time I had a migraine - to this day I HATE white linen perfume. I doctored bottles of MY shampoo with the coloring. As a going away gift at the end of the year I put hair dye in every single bottle of her shampoo. Her best friend asked me about it the next year. Seemed that roommate also had a bro with shampoo filching habits - and he FREAKED when he came out of the shower with his white blond hair turned BLUE (it was blue shampoo, so I used blue hair dye!). then, to try to wash it out he grabbed another bottle, this one of strawberry shampoo. Ended up looking like a purple muppet - the pics were hilarious. Roommate had tossed several shampoos because they turned her light brown hair white with greenish undertones and she thought they had gone bad. I just laughed and asked how that happened?</p><p></p><p>Her friends laughed and told me she NEVER borrowed shampoo again. I also turned her very expensive perfumes into nasty smells by adding various things to them. I figured if she could spray them around knowing they made me sick. She did - I did NOT ask her not to use them, just that if I had a migraine could she put them on in the bathroom or at least by the door rather than by my head? and she refused flat out and went out of her way to put perfume on my clothes, pillow, even to spray it in my face while I had a migraine. She EARNED having all her perfumes ruined, at least in my book. This is where having the parents I have either helped me or warped me - they taught me to use the creative mind I was born with to, well, enhance I guess is a good work, the natural or logical consequences.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Anyway, you are much older and more experienced than your kids. Put that mind of yours to work and figure out what you can do to make her not WANT to live in your home, to use your stuff with-o asking and/or returning it. I know it is hard, and you want to get along and help your child more than fight or have conflict. But it is not what is best for her or for you. She may think you are losing your mind, but you can work wtih that too.</p><p></p><p>What creative ways can you think of to make the cost of taking your things and either not returning them or using them up and not telling you cost her too much? What is she most proud of or think is her best attribute?What is she truly vain/conceited about? What does seh think she can't live without? Sit and think on those things. Send a pm if you want help brainstorming ideas about them. Those are the places that you hit to make her either want to move out or realize that if she is living with you then she is not going to take advantage of you the way she currently is. Also think long and hard about what she hates, can't stand, what makes her sick and what are her pet peeves.</p><p></p><p>If something like chewing with a mouth open is a pet peeve, don't just do it yourself. PAY your grands to do it also. Does she have a favorite food? eat it or throw it away or feed it to the birds. "I didn't know you were saving that. I didn't see your name..".</p><p></p><p>Also, you now know that when she is being spoken to about a way she has caused you a problem, seh attacks you for being upset. It won't be easy or feel natural, but it is time for you to do it back to her. She is upset about something you or one of the kids has done. Tells you that you have upset her. You STOMP HARD on that instinct/manners/natural niceness that would have you apologize and start in on how she has no right to question you, you do everything for her, pay her bills, support her, and all she can do is use up your shampoo and be mad and she is never nice and is always so mean to you and you don't know how to live with her and on and on and on. Do not stop when she starts on you - you dish it back to her and amp it up a few notches.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, it won't be a lot of fun all the time - it is not your nature to be that way. BUT you can learn to enjoy some of it, like her funny new hair color or the strange color her skin turned because you dumped a bottle of food color in her tanning lotion or body wash. And you can do this because it is about the only way to get her to back off of you and start respecting you.</p><p></p><p>You ahve got to be more upset, more demanding, more like her if you want this to stop. Or you have to toss her our and be prepared to hear how awful you are. I do think that putting locks on your doors, and maybe even alarms so you are alerted if she goes into your private area, would be a help. Just never leave keys anywhere but on your person.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 461509, member: 1233"] It is pure distraction. May or may not be conscious, but it sure is effective and lots of them do it. They do something that creates a problem for you. You get upset and tell them that they have to change behavior. They don't want to, can't be bothered, etc... so they get upset and make a FAR bigger deal out of the fact that you were upset and try to convince you that you have NO RIGHT to be upset with them and that the problem is not what they have done but is YOU and what you have done. If you let yourself get distracted by their koi about how you are the problem, they win. Pure and simple. You go into defensive mode, explain it isn't your fault, and are far far less likely to deal with the original problem by demanding something from them. Plus, you are upset, know that they will escalate things if you have to deal with the problems they create for you, and so you are less likely to hold them accountable in the future. I fully agree that the do not see you in any way as a person on your own. You exist solely to do things for them and when you get upset at them because they have caused you a problem or pain, well, you have no right to that pain or to object because your sole purpose for existing is to do what they want and to give them what they want and to be their ATM/grocery store/etc... SO they attack because in their mind, you have no right to be upset because you don't matter and because the attack gets your mind back on them and their problems - WHERE THEY THINK IT BELONGS. It is time to be creative. Hide things you don't want destroyed. Put food color or hair dye in the shampoo/conditioner/any other bottles you have sitting out. Container of food just for you? Get a little fridge and keep it behind a locked door in your room or in a pantry. Put strong locks on your door, or when you leave figure out a way to electrify the knob to give them a good shock. Yes, that is mean. Yes, it might get the grands - but they are learning from their mom that you are not a real person and have no right to your own things so it will be a good lesson. I metniong the shock doorknob because it is one of those little things Wiz rigged to keep my parents on their toes. He didn't do it, but he arranged it so he could. He also learned, fast and hard, that doing that would end a LOT of good things in his life, lol. You have GOT to start embracing my parents motto: Old age and treachery beats youth and beauty every time. And my mother's special life lesson for all of us: You have got to sleep sometime. And my mother means her special lesson as a very clear threat to us. I have seen her do AMAZING things when gfgbro simply refused a life lesson - like don't sleep nude in front of the tv in the den. Duct tape from his openly exposed parts to his toes - he had hairy legs but a lot of that caem off with the tape. Tuna juice on his toes - that she tied down so he wouldn't kick the cat - and the cat locked in. Between gfgbro and my first roommate, I had a LOT of fun with hair dye. Sometimes really really dark colors, other times the lightest bleach around. first roommate took my shampoo all the time. Same for body wash. Plus she sprayed perfume around the room every single time I had a migraine - to this day I HATE white linen perfume. I doctored bottles of MY shampoo with the coloring. As a going away gift at the end of the year I put hair dye in every single bottle of her shampoo. Her best friend asked me about it the next year. Seemed that roommate also had a bro with shampoo filching habits - and he FREAKED when he came out of the shower with his white blond hair turned BLUE (it was blue shampoo, so I used blue hair dye!). then, to try to wash it out he grabbed another bottle, this one of strawberry shampoo. Ended up looking like a purple muppet - the pics were hilarious. Roommate had tossed several shampoos because they turned her light brown hair white with greenish undertones and she thought they had gone bad. I just laughed and asked how that happened? Her friends laughed and told me she NEVER borrowed shampoo again. I also turned her very expensive perfumes into nasty smells by adding various things to them. I figured if she could spray them around knowing they made me sick. She did - I did NOT ask her not to use them, just that if I had a migraine could she put them on in the bathroom or at least by the door rather than by my head? and she refused flat out and went out of her way to put perfume on my clothes, pillow, even to spray it in my face while I had a migraine. She EARNED having all her perfumes ruined, at least in my book. This is where having the parents I have either helped me or warped me - they taught me to use the creative mind I was born with to, well, enhance I guess is a good work, the natural or logical consequences. Anyway, you are much older and more experienced than your kids. Put that mind of yours to work and figure out what you can do to make her not WANT to live in your home, to use your stuff with-o asking and/or returning it. I know it is hard, and you want to get along and help your child more than fight or have conflict. But it is not what is best for her or for you. She may think you are losing your mind, but you can work wtih that too. What creative ways can you think of to make the cost of taking your things and either not returning them or using them up and not telling you cost her too much? What is she most proud of or think is her best attribute?What is she truly vain/conceited about? What does seh think she can't live without? Sit and think on those things. Send a pm if you want help brainstorming ideas about them. Those are the places that you hit to make her either want to move out or realize that if she is living with you then she is not going to take advantage of you the way she currently is. Also think long and hard about what she hates, can't stand, what makes her sick and what are her pet peeves. If something like chewing with a mouth open is a pet peeve, don't just do it yourself. PAY your grands to do it also. Does she have a favorite food? eat it or throw it away or feed it to the birds. "I didn't know you were saving that. I didn't see your name..". Also, you now know that when she is being spoken to about a way she has caused you a problem, seh attacks you for being upset. It won't be easy or feel natural, but it is time for you to do it back to her. She is upset about something you or one of the kids has done. Tells you that you have upset her. You STOMP HARD on that instinct/manners/natural niceness that would have you apologize and start in on how she has no right to question you, you do everything for her, pay her bills, support her, and all she can do is use up your shampoo and be mad and she is never nice and is always so mean to you and you don't know how to live with her and on and on and on. Do not stop when she starts on you - you dish it back to her and amp it up a few notches. Sadly, it won't be a lot of fun all the time - it is not your nature to be that way. BUT you can learn to enjoy some of it, like her funny new hair color or the strange color her skin turned because you dumped a bottle of food color in her tanning lotion or body wash. And you can do this because it is about the only way to get her to back off of you and start respecting you. You ahve got to be more upset, more demanding, more like her if you want this to stop. Or you have to toss her our and be prepared to hear how awful you are. I do think that putting locks on your doors, and maybe even alarms so you are alerted if she goes into your private area, would be a help. Just never leave keys anywhere but on your person. [/QUOTE]
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Something I have never understood about my difficult children.
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