Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Something is definitely going on
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 607057" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I'm so sorry, JKF. I did not know the history of your journey with difficult child.</p><p></p><p>What I can tell you, without reservation, is that you are doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>difficult child daughter's problems and the drama that attended her growing up affected difficult child son so negatively that, to this day, he accuses me of having deserted him when he needed me, when he needed his mother, so I could deal with difficult child daughter's weird, unsolvable, pointlessly nasty, never ending issues.</p><p></p><p>To this day, JKF.</p><p></p><p>When we were all in a tailspin over difficult child daughter, people told us, again and again, to let her go and concentrate on then easy child son.</p><p></p><p>I couldn't. I didn't know what I had done to create the situation with difficult child daughter. I stopped interacting with difficult child son as a mother. I stopped advising him, out of fear that, whatever it was I had done to difficult child daughter, I would unknowingly do the same to difficult child son. I remember shopping with him one day and being unable to help him decide on the clothes he wanted for school. I was kind to difficult child son, of course. I cooked for him, I loved him, I was so proud of him.</p><p></p><p>But I was afraid to parent him.</p><p></p><p>Because of the horrible problems difficult child daughter brought into our lives, because nothing I knew to do or could learn helped, I was like...broken, inside. I had no confidence, no authority, because in my heart, I believed I had somehow failed difficult child daughter and would fail difficult child son in the same way. You all know I had been in therapy for so long. What you don't know is that my therapy devolved into desperate quest to understand how I had failed as a mother, and how I could address that. I was so afraid I would somehow do the same thing to then easy child son. </p><p></p><p>So, JKF, I know a little bit about what you are going through feels like.</p><p></p><p>You have had to find courage to continue to parent. You have found courage to protect your youngest child from the chaos of your oldest child's illness.</p><p></p><p>I did not do that.</p><p></p><p>husband was there for easy child son, of course. husband and his brothers, too.</p><p></p><p>But husband was not easy child son's mother.</p><p></p><p>easy child son got into drugs, and you all know how the rest of that story turned out.</p><p></p><p>I don't have words strong enough to tell you how certain I am that you are taking the absolutely correct action, in keeping your difficult child away from your youngest child. I do know that, when we've made a decision about how we are going to get our families through what seems like an impossible situation...we're always going to wonder whether our choice was the right one.</p><p></p><p>As a parent who chose, again and again, against professional advice and over easy child son's strenuous objections, to bring difficult child daughter home AND WHO THEN LOST HER easy child CHILD TO DRUG ADDICTION, I can tell you, unreservedly, that you are doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>I understand that my sharing what I have learned is not going to make the path you need to walk with your difficult child easier. But I hope you can see that the path you have chosen is the best decision you could possibly make. It is never going to be easy, with or for your difficult child. He is so young, and I know you hope for his best future. It is going to be hard, for a long, long time...but your easy child is safe.</p><p></p><p>If I could do it again, if I could have enough faith in myself to understand what I was throwing away to keep difficult child daughter at home...I don't know to this day what I would have done, but somehow, I would have protected easy child.</p><p></p><p>We never saw it coming. One day, he was there, strong and healthy, funny and happy. He was so angry though, about difficult child. She would be gone in treatment for months at a time. Things would come back into balance. difficult child would come home. Things would get bad.</p><p></p><p>And one day?</p><p></p><p>easy child was gone.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son, miserable and angry and addicted, was there, instead.</p><p></p><p>difficult child is disgusted by his sister, and angry at me for bringing her home again and again, to this day.</p><p></p><p>I hope my story helps you to be stronger, JKF.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening to you, too.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>And it's hard, so hard.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 607057, member: 1721"] I'm so sorry, JKF. I did not know the history of your journey with difficult child. What I can tell you, without reservation, is that you are doing the right thing. difficult child daughter's problems and the drama that attended her growing up affected difficult child son so negatively that, to this day, he accuses me of having deserted him when he needed me, when he needed his mother, so I could deal with difficult child daughter's weird, unsolvable, pointlessly nasty, never ending issues. To this day, JKF. When we were all in a tailspin over difficult child daughter, people told us, again and again, to let her go and concentrate on then easy child son. I couldn't. I didn't know what I had done to create the situation with difficult child daughter. I stopped interacting with difficult child son as a mother. I stopped advising him, out of fear that, whatever it was I had done to difficult child daughter, I would unknowingly do the same to difficult child son. I remember shopping with him one day and being unable to help him decide on the clothes he wanted for school. I was kind to difficult child son, of course. I cooked for him, I loved him, I was so proud of him. But I was afraid to parent him. Because of the horrible problems difficult child daughter brought into our lives, because nothing I knew to do or could learn helped, I was like...broken, inside. I had no confidence, no authority, because in my heart, I believed I had somehow failed difficult child daughter and would fail difficult child son in the same way. You all know I had been in therapy for so long. What you don't know is that my therapy devolved into desperate quest to understand how I had failed as a mother, and how I could address that. I was so afraid I would somehow do the same thing to then easy child son. So, JKF, I know a little bit about what you are going through feels like. You have had to find courage to continue to parent. You have found courage to protect your youngest child from the chaos of your oldest child's illness. I did not do that. husband was there for easy child son, of course. husband and his brothers, too. But husband was not easy child son's mother. easy child son got into drugs, and you all know how the rest of that story turned out. I don't have words strong enough to tell you how certain I am that you are taking the absolutely correct action, in keeping your difficult child away from your youngest child. I do know that, when we've made a decision about how we are going to get our families through what seems like an impossible situation...we're always going to wonder whether our choice was the right one. As a parent who chose, again and again, against professional advice and over easy child son's strenuous objections, to bring difficult child daughter home AND WHO THEN LOST HER easy child CHILD TO DRUG ADDICTION, I can tell you, unreservedly, that you are doing the right thing. I understand that my sharing what I have learned is not going to make the path you need to walk with your difficult child easier. But I hope you can see that the path you have chosen is the best decision you could possibly make. It is never going to be easy, with or for your difficult child. He is so young, and I know you hope for his best future. It is going to be hard, for a long, long time...but your easy child is safe. If I could do it again, if I could have enough faith in myself to understand what I was throwing away to keep difficult child daughter at home...I don't know to this day what I would have done, but somehow, I would have protected easy child. We never saw it coming. One day, he was there, strong and healthy, funny and happy. He was so angry though, about difficult child. She would be gone in treatment for months at a time. Things would come back into balance. difficult child would come home. Things would get bad. And one day? easy child was gone. difficult child son, miserable and angry and addicted, was there, instead. difficult child is disgusted by his sister, and angry at me for bringing her home again and again, to this day. I hope my story helps you to be stronger, JKF. I am so sorry this is happening to you, too. You are doing the right thing. And it's hard, so hard. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Something is definitely going on
Top