Sometimes I just wanna quit.

[Shari]

Wee has had a really rough time lately. I had decided next time he couldn't go to school to try to take him to do something that wasn't just sitting at home or at grandma's "not being at school".

Its been a very cold winter. More so than normal. I had toyed with the idea of taking him someplace warm for a long weekend.

I had all but decided to go to the gulf this weekend. Leave Thur night when he's out of school, back for school Tuesday, when he can go back.

husband wants to go.

And now he wants to try to get easy child 2 out of school and take her.

I had already beat myself up over this. Its not fair to leave easy child behind. Then again, not 20 days ago, she lied to us for the 4th time about doing work at school that she's never done. Part of me feels bad if we don't take her. Part of me says "natural consequence".

And now I'm just giving up on the whole plan. If I go and dont take easy child, husband will be ugly and I'll be an outcast to the brooms again. If I go and we take easy child, she, again, has no consequence for her actions, and she and wee fight like cats and dogs in the car and half the time everywhere else, too...the point of the trip is destress for wee...

I just give up.

 

[gcvmom]

Why can't it just be a mental health break for wee? You can take the family on a "vacation" another time. With all he's been through, he really needs the change of scenery. Stress that it's not about the rest of the family this time.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Shari]

I wanted to take wee to see difficult child 1, but that wont work out until probably APril. That's too long.

If I could feasibly send him even without ME, I'd do it.

And maybe I am just selfish.

 

[flutterby]

I don't think you're selfish. Not even close, girl. I agree with Gcvmom. This is for wee, not a family vacation.

 

[KTMom91]

Not selfish. Not at all. Relaxation for wee sounds like a good thing. Where else might you go, if not to see difficult child 1?

Leave husband and easy child at home. Wee doesn't need the extra fighting, and you sure don't either.

 

[Marguerite]

Sounds to me like husband has missed the point of what this is for.

It's not a vacation. It's more a case of intense one-on-one time with just you and wee, working on wee's stuff. It's not a holiday at all.

Do you need to go so far? Is there someone close by you could stay with, who would give you the space you need without the hassle of a very long drive?

Alternatively, could husband & easy child go somewhere just the two of them, with husband maybe working intensively with easy child on her personal responsibilities and getting the backlog of overdue schoolwork done? Frankly, I think he needs to do this first because SHE has to learn to follow through, and he has to be the active parent on this to give you a break and to also get a good feel for how hard you work on this sometimes.

The best natural consequences for easy child, is to be made to do the work and hand it in, even if there's no chance of getting a mark for it. When difficult child 3 was in mainstream, he often didn't get work handed in and the teachers just left it; difficult child 3 learned, as a result, that if he procrastinated enough, he could get out of the work. But with correspondence now, he has learnt that he can't put it off, the work never goes away. Even now - he's had a years break from studying Electronics, and we met with the teacher today - he looked up how far difficult child 3 had got, looked at the last thing he handed in (back on 2008) and said, "OK, we'll begin here. He still needs to wire up this circuit, then he can pick up where he left off, at Chapter 10."
If difficult child 3 had completed Chapter 10 in 2008, then he would be beginning with Chapter 11. Or wherever he had got up to. So even after several years, work not previously completed has NOT gone away!

A wonderful lesson for him, and it has made him learn to keep working, and not to expect the work to vanish if ignored.

easy child needs the same insistence, and if the school isn't insisting, then it falls on you guys. It is the most effective natural consequence because it will teach her skills she can use for the rest of her life. Otherwise she will be using the skill of avoidance for the rest of her life.

See if you can sell that (or whatever variant on that that could work for you) to husband.

Marg

 

[Shari]

Thanks for the votes. I am feeling a bit trampled by it all and am doubting everything I do.

I'm sure there is someplace closer, however, I am looking to get him outside in the sunshine and I don't want to spend a ton of money for activities. I can get to 60 degrees in less than 12 hours...what I'm having trouble with is getting to 60 degrees with something free to do when we get there.

husband is still stuck on taking easy child. "We are as bad as her mom" if we don't. (Mom only does things when easy child is NOT with her - which is not at all what we are doing, at least not in my book.)

He also said he was going to make easy child to do the missing work even tho she can't hand it in, but he hasn't. And I am stepping away from that. I won't continue to be the only one that makes her do this stuff.

And now I'm even wondering if I should take husband! I have this feeling that he'll get there and he'll be doing whatever he wants and expecting wee to follow him around and work on the adults' schedule...and that is NOT the point of this.

 

[hearts and roses]

I may be the only one here who thinks so, but to me, Family Vacations are stressful!!

If you're looking for relaxation and a change of pace and scenery, leave husband and easy child home. They can plan their own little fun time without you and wee there.

I vote that you explain this to husband (easy child does not need an explanation in my opinion) and you make plans for you and wee only. Do not allow husband to guilt you at all. After all, wee's mental health affects the entire family, as does yours - isn't a little getaway worth it?

 

[DammitJanet]

Why dont you fly down and visit gcv...lol. Im sure she wont notice a couple more folks! You could come see me but it isnt quite 60 here yet.

 

[totoro]

Were in the 60's all week! 65 on Thursday!

 

[Star*]

First I want to address the fact that YOU want to quit. That isn't healthy at all Shari. Before you go off doing things for wee or having husband along or inviting easy child - can you even back up and see what a simple loving thing trying to do something nice for your son turns into?

You want to do something nice for wee. That should be the end of it.

In your case all of a sudden -
Your husband invites himself
THEN he invites easy child who has no idea of this plan, but gets invited not because she deserved it or because she needs it, but because someone feels sorry for her. WRONG REASONS.
THEN you have to factor in the mother in law clause and what your inlaws will think of you if you take a simple kindness for your youngest son.
Then the cat fight in the car because the kid that doesn't deserve to go can't maintain herself with a baby in the car? Lovely trip. Duct tape and a curtain come to mind.
Then if your husband DOES GO? You worry that what is supposed to be a fun time for wee is going to be follow the boring Daddy.

One nice thing = immediately turns to all THAT koi?

How about you just make some plans with wee, tick a lock - and go? I swear if I had that many things to worry about, and that many people barkin' at MY choices and tried to please ALL THEM? The chances of ME discussing my plans with anyone would be about buttkiss. HOW often do you think they all worry so much about PLEASING YOU????? I'd just make my plan, say goodbye about 10 minutes before I'd leave then go. What's the worst that could happen then? The same as above? Or less? More? What would you care? At least it would be a day or two with wee without all the garbage in a warm place. He would have a day to remember - a Mommy and me special day.

Later on if easy child does her work - tell her (HERE's a GOAL FOR YOU CUP CAKE) DO YOUR WORK, DO NOT LIE TO ME....and there's a trip in it for me and you ALONE...no wee, no Dad...just me and you - (here are some choices) let her pick.

This is not hard. If Dad wants to go on THAT trip? Fine. Wee stays with Gramms. This would be for HER. That way? NO one can say you're playing favorites, no crud in the car, no worrying about husband dragging wee around for HIS plans, no one saying easy child didn't get preferential treatment, and the kid has a chance to earn something NOT be handed something...for not.

AND you and husband get away....and YOU get away AGAIN.

Hugs...and suntan lotion.

 

[KTMom91]

What Star said. So much better than I could.

 

[ML]

Listen to Star! She put it so eloquently. I also vote for you and wee going alone.