sometimes just want to scream

[helpangel]

wish youngest was 18 I would just split, yep be the crazy woman living in the van full of cats...

it's nothing new, there is always a not this time pile of bills - it's all a giant juggling act that I somehow make work each month. This month it got a little tricky though after paid rent, gas shutoff & cable ... was wondering if I had anything left to sell that would satisfy electric company and in walks the firstborn... fast food bag with- large shake and bag from GameStop in his hands. I remark that I could use for him to try to get me more rent then usual this month and he screamed at me to cut costs.

I remarked "first thing to go will be cable & internet" and his response was "before I cut his internet I need to quit smoking and stop buying cat food." (I roll my own cigarettes by hand and get a pet food grant thru rescue group) besides these cats more then pay for themselves in therapy and giving me a reason to get up everyday, they are about the only thing gives me any joy with any consistency.

Oh and "both girls need to get jobs!" Excuse me but youngest is still in school and can't get a work permit when she can't pass half her classes. Also both girls are each paying 3 times the amount of rent he is. He thinks because their money comes from their disability checks and his comes from work so his money counts as more??? really? AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

He doesn't understand it's not about whether I smoke or have cats or what the girls pay; nor is it about how much they want for his student loans... it comes down to does he really think in this day and age he can expect a roof over his head with cable & internet & to eat meat everyday on $200 a month? If it wasn't for him my budget would work he eats as much as me and both girls.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR sorry just needed to vent or was going to explode... he's wrong so wrong!

 

[Kathy813]

Help me understand . . . you are talking about a 28-year-old with a college degree who is living at your house and paying you only $200 month and expects you to buy his food? And is verbally abusive on top of that?

Even with only a part time job he could pay you more than that. I would up the rent and tell him to buy his own groceries or find a new place to live.

He is taking advantage of you and will continue as long as you let him. I have a lot of experience with that with my own difficult child.

~Kathy

 

[helpangel]

Kathy I can't explain it to myself much less anyone else; the only thing I understand is I'm still as much of a doormat as I ever was... after 20 years of this nonsense with the girls dad and a full breakdown in 1998 you would think I would have learned something by now.

At this point I just want out, feel like I'm being pulled in too many directions at once. Trying to drive my parents everywhere they need to go, make sure my mom isn't killing them with 5yo meat, keep the filth from consuming their house, listening to my mom bully my dad (she's early Alzheimer's we think) dealing with 2 bipolar teens at my home. All my kids act like I'm the hired help or something.

I'm tired but my parents need my help and they have always been there for me so I will be there to help them, I gave birth to these girls and they aren't ready to fly solo so I need to stick by them also.

But this boy... his attitude I don't need. He needs to at least double the amount he gives me and if he doesn't want to pay cash I got a whole list of chores and their values or my basement is full of junk that is worth money why doesn't he help me to sell some of this stuff? Better yet my parents have an extra bedroom, need a full time driver and my dad needs a sane person to talk to why doesn't he just move in over there? It would lighten my load so much not worrying about my folks constantly. Whatever he does it's his problem not mine at his age I was working, paying rent & all the other bills and supporting a kid (him) time to grow a pair and man up!

I'm gonna look into a car service for my folks, I can still take mom shopping & clean over there once a week but I realize that is the straw that broke the camels back... trying to keep up with 2 households I spread myself too thin and starting to feel like the rope in a game of tug o war.

Thank you for listening it helps just knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff and your right he's taking advantage of me.
Nancy

 

[Liahona]

You could think of it as helping him (in thenend it is helping him). You are providing an environment where he can gradually get used to the requirements of independent living. First double the rent. Then ever few months increase it until what he is paying is comparable to what someone in your area would for a furnished apartment with all utilities and cable and internet paid. You'd be doing him a huge favor. Then up it some more for the food of yours he is eating.

He will scream and yell and cry and maybe lay down on the floor and flail his arms and legs with each change. But so do toddlers who are being taught they can't run into the street. And this will be teaching you are doing because you love him. Speaking of which Buster is crying right now. husband just told him he couldn't scale the piano again.

 

[helpangel]

you're right and thank you for giving me a couple minutes of your day (looking at your signature I'm amazed you had the time to log on much less post) When Angel was 13yo it was a full time job just keeping her younger sibling alive and yours has 6 sibs!!! I turn over my old super mom cape to you don't feel I ever deserved it and you need it more then me at this point. have a great weekend

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Better yet my parents have an extra bedroom, need a full time driver and my dad needs a sane person to talk to why doesn't he just move in over there? It would lighten my load so much not worrying about my folks constantly. Whatever he does it's his problem not mine at his age I was working, paying rent & all the other bills and supporting a kid (him) time to grow a pair and man up!

I think that is your answer right there. It wouldn't even be as if you were kicking him out with no place to go. He can earn his keep there by helping out your parents which would take a large burden off your shoulders. It is a win/win situation.

Do it! We are here to support you!

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

In spite of the various problems my kids have had, none of them lived at home at 28. And it wouldn't be happening evah unless he paid a good portion of rent and the bills. I am angry at him for you and wish you could just tell him it's time he went out on his own. I know that it's easier said than done

It is not your responsibililty, especially with your own problems, to singlehandedly take care of your entire family. I think you should look into services for your parents and demand more of the kids. If you don't take good care of yourself, you will be useless to anyone else. Hugs and hope things improve.

 

[FlowerGarden]

I'd be very leery having him go to your parents to live unless you are absolutely sure he won't take advantage of them. Is he going to cleanup after himself there or leave it for your parents to do. Would he expect to pay nothing for rent and food because he is helping them? Would he be able to get them to where they have to go because he works? I'd increase his rent and have him pay for some of the food bill as well. If he refuses, I'd give him a month to find another place to live. He is taking advantage of you and being very rude to you. It is your house not his. Sending positive thoughts your way.

 

[helpangel]

You all are right and made some really good points, 28yo and still living with his mommy - has me looking again at some of the GFs over the years and wondering what was wrong with them? Guy lives with his mom I would have run screaming the other direction LOL not sure if that is better or worse then living in his car? Guess depends on the car.

He's never gonna meet a nice woman and give me any grand babies to play with if he stays here. It's not like the pre Lithium days when I needed someone to restrain Angel while I called 911 every other day. why is he still here? At his age even with a kid I would have lived at a motel rather then give up having my own space.


I had a really hard time living at my parents house when I was an adult. After 3 years on my own ended up there until son was 18 months old; it was the longest 20 months of my life but doctor ordered bed rest then complications with c-section had me in bed till he was 3 months old. It took some time to get an income and deposit going.

Wonder if I start acting like my mom that would work? Ask same ? 10 times and never hear the answer, make sure I'm the center of every conversation and don't let him ever finish a sentence, everything he watches on TV sit there saying how stupid it is, throw a little hair in his portion of everything I cook and he will be out of here by next weekend. Looking around this dump realizing just how comfortable I have made it here, need to change that. (evil laugh)

Nancy

 

[Confused]

helpangel,

Hang in there! Good luck with whatever you decide to do Its a tough decision on your part, and ya, making it harder to live there I think is a good start! And I love your sig about unemployed cuz u cant find a nanny with a black belt and a psychology degree. I understand :/

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nancy, I agree that a 28 year old able bodied, educated young man should be living on his own. It's likely an issue now that you all have gotten comfortable with, it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, it's not what you want. In the big picture, it's probably not what he wants too, but this is the way it's always been. We get cemented into our family roles because they're comfortable, not necessary because they are healthy.

Perhaps the way to go is to tell your son you want to sit down, when things are calm, and have a heart to heart. Not a condemnation or an ultimatum, it sounds as if for a while, he was a much needed part of the family unit............but now things have changed, your girls are stable. He is an adult. It is time for him to launch into his own life now. You need your space. He needs his space, you both need freedom and you both need to be disconnected in a healthy way. If you can afford therapy, perhaps a therapist can walk you guys through a healthy disconnect.

It appears you have to give him some boundaries and then some deadlines. Boundaries like: He will be respectful. He will find his own place in 3 months (whatever time frame feels right to you). He will pay you $300 in one month and until he leaves in three. He will begin putting down $100 a week for groceries. He will clean the bathroom, I don't know, just stuff where he begins to gain some responsibility for himself, some empowerment and you get out from under. It's your home so you can make it anyway you like with some understanding that he may need time to adapt to a new situation......you've allowed this to go on, so you are all in this unhealthy situation together, it's an unhealthy family dynamic, it doesn't sound like it's about him, it's about all of you. If you want it to change, you have to take action to change it and then stick to your guns. Otherwise you will be living with all three of your kids until you are old. You have the power to begin to change this today. You deserve to have your own life separate from your children.

 

[helpangel]

Thank you recovering enabler you seem to always know what I need to hear not just what I want to hear. I was right there with you until you said "until you are old" I AM OLD, too old to have myself this tangled up in my kids lives, too old to not have my own life. The last line of your post brought me to tears (and I rarely cry unless angry) until I read that - the idea I was even allowed a life outside these kids had never occurred to me.

Stay or go it makes no matter with these kids what I want is for them to grow into independent functioning adults, if that happens and they are comfortable here I would be more then happy to be the one to move on. If I keep solving their problems and doing everything for them that is not going to happen though.

Yes there are side jobs & friends outside the kids but its just a job for money to support the family not a career that I would enjoy doing long term and friends seem to have kids & kids become a big part of what we talk about. I came here yesterday so I could throw a tantrum because my feelings were hurt because I asked for help when struggling (asking for help is very hard for me) and instead of help got more frustrated then I was before.

Yes if son is going to stay he needs to kick in his fair share, but this isn't about him it's about me. Not sure when it happened but I'm stuck - I have no life outside this house and it's time I took a look at what I want to do with the rest of my life. Not sure if going back to school or just make a point of meeting some new people but as long as I do nothing to change this nothing is going to change. I'm old enough now to participate in those cool activities at the senior center and to many of them I'm just a kid.

Nancy

 

[Lothlorien]

28 and living at home? He needs to find a roommate and be out. Unless he is helping out and going out of his way for you, he needs to be on his own. He will never grow up unless he is.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nancy, you're likely not as old as me and I don't feel old..................old is definitely a state of mind, so here's my unsolicited advice, give up those "old" thoughts.......... they overtake us when we're not doing what we want to be doing, when we get stuck and have little joy.............. make a list of all the things you love and want to do, the things that make your heart skip a beat, what brings you satisfaction, fulfillment, passion..............what would it take for you to wake up and feel really excited about your day? Answer that and then go about creating it.

Just a couple of years ago, my entire life blew up, everything changed, it was a difficult life transition. What I didn't know then was that life transition blew up my life and blew out what wasn't working. It was hard, change can be stressful, but it can also be the opening for a new life to come forth. You have an opportunity here to make some necessary changes........to make the rest of your life be about what YOU want. What is that?

I know how hard it is to ask for help for some of us, but you did, good for you..........and you got nuggets of truth you needed to hear, this is good too. We all need that, to hear the truth, to remember OUR truth..........sometimes we just get into the daily grind and forget that life is also about JOY, FUN, LAUGHTER, PLAYFULNESS, EXCITEMENT, ADVENTURE.................we're not to old for that.

Today is an important day, you realized that you're stuck, so now you can get unstuck!

What holds us back is often our own self imposed limited thinking............keep an open mind.........

You've been tangled up in your kids lives, I know how that goes, I've been tangled up in my whole family's lives for most of my life............but not now, I've made hard choices to get out from under.............if that is what you ultimately want, you'll find a way to do it and you will succeed. One step at a time, one small change............ then some more changes........... then it all adds up to big changes,...........you can do that..............you deserve that...........to have the life you want, the life you've dreamed about............as Thoreau said, "go confidently in the direction of your dreams......live the life you've imagined."

Many years ago I read a book (I think by Tom Robbins), which had this quote written on the inside cover..........I never forgot it..........it said, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood." I thought about that quote often, I guess it was kind of a secret wish I had, since I did not have a happy childhood, I felt I had missed something really important and that quote made me think it was possible.............even though my grownup, duty-bound self thought it was ridiculous. Then my old life blew and I went through some necessary changes...........and...........one day I woke up and thought, "I'm having that happy childhood now!" SO and I crack up all the time, we have some serious fun.............we play a lot, we goof off a lot..........and I have more freedom and a sense of carefree that just didn't exist in my life before. I'm mentioning this to you because if I can have a happy childhood at almost 64 years old, you can do whatever it is that makes you happy too..............just keep going towards that joy because as Rumi said, "what you seek is seeking you." Go for it Nancy............grab that ring.