Sometimes...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, May 3, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I want to preface this by saying I still meant what I said about husband taking Wee on the field trip. I like that part of him. However, this past weekend, has been a dandy. I just got home from 30 hours on the road alone with Wee. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and had way too much time to think.

    First...after my car crash, I spent a few days down. husband did not pick up one additional chore in that time frame. As usual, the house went to hell in a handcar in less than 3 days...worse after that as I tried desperately to rest, yet maintain...and when I say it gets bad? I mean bad. Food left on the counter bad.

    By Thursday night, I was feeling almost ok. So Friday, after work, I picked up stuff to make May Baskets. Something I've done for years. Kindda of our little "random of act of kindness" project each year. I think it teaches good things to the kids, too. Probably should have skipped this year in hindsight, but then again...why should I?

    easy child 1's girlfriend and Wee helped fill baskets wiwth fresh flowers. easy child 1 grilled supper Friday night. girlfriend cleaned up. We delivered baskets on Saturday.

    husband was supposed to help the saddle club, which is a branch of the Optimist Club, by the way, with the high school rodeo this past weekend. The man who works the concession stand had cancer in a kidney and recently had it taken out and had asked husband to help. husband told him he would. This man now also has a spot on his lung. And he's 70 years old.

    husband didn't go Saturday. He didn't do anything all day. He sat around in his underwear til 5pm. After Wee and I delivered baskets, we ran other errands and I did laundry. When I'd show up at home, he'd do something like empty a soda can off the end table (seriously) then go straight back to the tv.

    Sunday, he got up and went to the rodeo to help and spent the day ridin around in a golf cart with his friend. But he did take Wee, so I got to spend 7 hours Sunday fixing my truck lights and catching up in the house. husband showed up at home around 3 and parked in his chair. I thought it was odd because I knew the rodeo wasn't over. I needed another part for the truck, was fighting with the pharmacy who'd lost my filled prescriptions, and trying to get ready to leave to take Wee to Tulsa for his doctor appointment. husband "didn't want" to go get the truck part for me, so I did (yet once it was fixed, he didn't want me to take the truck "in case he needed to haul somehting" while I was gone). He sat on his butt in front of the tv. Out of curiosity later, I asked why he wasn't still helping at the rodeo. At the point when he left, they were goiing to start cleaning up and picking up trash and he didn't want to do that, so he told them he had to bring Wee home and just never went back.

    Which got me to thinking....every year, the saddle club does those pony rides at the fall festival. Usually, Wee's friend has a birthday party that same weekend. husband won't walk the ponies. He doesn't stand there and help lift the kids up onto the ponies and horses. He doesn't take the money, make sure parents sign the release forms, set up the area, or clean the helmets after each kid finishes with them. He just is there to socialize. And only once has he ever "left his post" to take Wee to the party. I usually have to do it. Which leaves us short a person to lead a horse, and we're always short of help, anyway...

    He called me at 8:08 tonight. I was on my way home frfom Tulsa. He was watching tv at that time. I got home at 1030. Still watching tv. It is 1220 and he just shut it off. He has yet to say hi, how was the trip, what did you find out...anything. In fact, now, he's snoring. (and I have spoken to him...)

    And he had the gonads to tell me last night that he's "sick of dealing with this stuff, too" and that "the doctors have all the planes and money, they should come to us" instead of "us" going to Tulsa. I bet husband couldn't even tell you that Wee's dyslexic, let alone anything else. Other than living with Wee, he doesn't "deal" with any of it. Goiing to tulsa to a doctor IS a pain in the rear. But he's never been there. And that doctor is the first person to figure out a big piece of WEe's puzzle...to be angry at him for not coming to us???? Really????

    difficult child 1 left for the military angry with husband because he didn't "do his part" (not that difficult child 1 did, either, but...). difficult child 1 is still angry with husband. easy child 1 gets angry angry with husband regularly because husband blames him for a lot of junk that husband is equally, if not more so, guitly of doing, also (an example - ratchet straps. husband got mad because easy child 1 would use them and not put them back. So husband started locking them up. So easy child 1 bought some of his own. husband wouldn't want to have to unlock his, so he'd use easy child's. And not put them back. So easy child started locking his stuff up. Now husband is pissy cause easy child locks his stuff up. ("Hello, Pot. This is Kettle. You're black!" kinda deal there...but its all the time!))

    We had fish for supper Sunday night before I left. At the very least, there isn't leftover fish lying on the counter. Tho the oil, dishes, and breading containers are still all stacked on the stove....

    Anyway, I am just really repulsed by this behavior right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

    If you made it this far....sorry. Or thanks.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Then again, maybe not -- 'cuz it seems like many of us, you are also married to a difficult child! Sorry, been there done that. Sounds like your husband is depressed. He may not know it, but it could explain a lot of his garbage.
     
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wonder that, too.

    Or is he a screen addict? 3 hours a day in one sitting is minimum. Westerns or online checkers.

    OR - is he just a spoiled brat? Does his attitude this weekend tell a bigger story? He doesn't want to, so he's just not gonna? Which is an awful lot of the way he operates around here. He's said he doesn't like housework. And obviously, he doesn't do it. He doesn't "want" to go get the truck part. And tho he got mad as heck at difficult child 1 for "half donkey" work, husband does the same thing. If he sweeps the floor, he most likely won't even pick up garbage...he'll sweep around it. He doesnn't like to do maintenance work on stuff we have,but he'll make something new every day... Yeah, today's not better yet!
     
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Sounds like my husband, but my main beef with him is he will go help all his friends, as they are really needy and there is all kind of drama surrounding them, but he will not help me.. He spends hours on fb with his farm and cafe, but cannot do dishes or laundry. Hugs. I wish I had a an answer for you, because then I would have answer for me.
     
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Still, someone who's depressed will do those things. My husband escaped with TV and mindless computer games when he wasn't at work. Not a whole lot got done around here. He also had the entitlement attitude.
     
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I agree with the depression thing g, but sometimes it is still hard to deal with, especially if they are doing nothing to help themselves or see nothing that they are doing as wrong.
     
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh, it is absolutely hard to deal with! It saps the life out of everyone around them. And I think most of the time, they don't see things for what they are, either!
     
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    When Wee was about a year old, one of my best friends was depressed and I talked to her (finally) into seeing her doctor and getting something to help. She started Zoloft and still takes it and thanks me regularly. husband is still "suprised she takes something like that" because she "doesn't seem like "that" kind of person".

    And that is his mama speaking, 110%. I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying...

    He came home one day a couple of years ago. The admin where he works was getting a divorced. "And they are going thru the custody and the child support thing just like "normal" people". To which I replied "Why wouldn't they????"

    The kids were adopted and somehow in his mind, this should have some sort of effect on custody and support. That's also an attitude he was raised with. His first cousin adopted a baby NINE YEARS AGO. Two Brooms still refers to the little girl as "the one they adopted." And wonders why they don't seem to want her around much.

    Ok, so I'm a big ol' side bar here....but guess I'm just saying this is 45 years of training...doubt I'm gonna change it much. Guess I'm just kinda taken by the "new" insight into how deep this may run. If he "doesn't want to" go help a 70 year old friend with cancer after he tells him he will....well...that's just selfish and low and self-serving and a lot of other things that really just makes me want to gag.
     
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Shari--

    Ugh! That really stinks. And if there's food lying around...it probably LITERALLY stinks, too!

    Personally, I think TV can be a source of a lot of evils. Hey, I enjoy watching television, don't get me wrong! But I hate, hate HATE when the darn thing is on all day long. At that point, you are no longer "watching television"--you are hypnotized. You don't even know or care what you are watching. It wastes your life.

    So at my house, when I see my family getting hoovered into the television void--I march right over and shut it off. Yes, everyone complains--but, they get off their duffs and things get done.

    Maybe it's time to have a family meeting and decide that television is not the boss of you. TV does not run your life. Decide to turn it off on the weekends--or during certain times of day. Depression or not, getting rid the the 'television black hole" will help.

    Stay strong! ((((hugs))))
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    DF, now that the weather is improving and Wee has more options to spend his time and energy, I'm thinking about going out and buying him 4 or 5 cartoon dvds and putting the Dish on "vacation" status. We'd still have the intenet, but you are exactly right...husband is sucked into that screen. If we get up on Saturday morning and he flips it on, you can gaurantee whatever you are going to do that day is suddenly not going to start until whatever is on when he flips it on is over...you can take it to the bank.

    Funny, I didn't get Dish for years for this exact reason...except it was difficult child 1 who was "sucked" into the screen. Now he's gone and husband is as bad, if not worse. At least difficult child 1 watched the history channel.
     
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like there's some passive/aggressive behavior going on as well. Miss KT's father would cheerfully agree to help with whatever, and when the day rolled around he was sick, he had to take care of Miss KT (yeah, right), I needed him for something...I don't think he's been to her birthday party in five years or more, and he lives an hour away.

    Selfish, definitely. Narcissistic, possibly. Both Miss KT and her father think it's all about them, all the time. I can relate. And I'm sorry. Many hugs and lots of strength.
     
  12. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    In one of easy child's pysch classes they researched a study that showed that TV does hypnotize you... It stimulates the part of the brain that is associated with addition too. It was interesting and scary too.

    Sorry you are going through all of this. It makes it hard when you feel like you have to do everything. It adds stress to what could already be a stressful situation.

    husband was home for 2 weeks. Out of the 14 days, he had 10 days off. He didn't do a single thing on his "to-do" list until the very end of the last day home. Then he goes into this panic and thinks I should be jumping through the hoops with him...whatever. At least he did get the toilet in the main bathroom fixed. (difficult child-A had cracked the tank somehow).
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My TV is on pretty much 24/7. Its background noise. I dont stare at it constantly but I cant stand being in the house alone without some noise. Its like a tomb.

    Now the entire junk about not doing anything except watching TV or playing on the computer or going to work is Billy. I cant motivate him to help at all with stuff around the house. With me being in a huge flair right now with pain, sinus infection, cough, and my knee, I am having a real problem getting the kitchen cleaned up. Does he help? Nope! He is propped up in front of his screens. I will be here on the board for maybe half an hour checking things out two or three times a day because I have to but then I go do what I can and lay down in between times.
     
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Passive-aggressive, bolstered by depression... Would describe my husband last fall.

    The only working TV in the house is in his office. Strangely, he barely watches it now. Breaks to take care of his farm on FB and check his email, but mostly he's working around the house.

    He used to do the "help-everyone-else-but-us" thing... I exploded... Now, no worries! Amazing.

    He's not perfect. But he's better. Honestly Shari? He sounds spoiled, and depressed, and passive-aggressive, but he will never get help until he thinks he needs it... And the only thing I can tell you is... {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} WE love you!!! (Though my arms are not long enough to wash your dishes. Or walk your horses.)
     
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We got home last night, and Wee was watching a Lego movie on his little dvd player. He took it in the house with him and plopped into the recliner.
    ***
    Granted, it was another sound in the house, and husband was watching tv, but we'd been gone for 30+ hours and I had listened to one movie or another for the past 5 hours. Not a word spoken to Wee other than "go to your room or shut it off".
    ***
    Really? You can't even say "Hi"? So after a very long trip, Wee contentedly resigned to his room.
    ***
    I really have my doubts there's much I can do to alter things. He's 45. I have learned where his attitudes come from, so I presume they've been there since birth. And I have reinforced a lot of it myself by being determined and independent by nature.
    ***
    And I am not sure if we share common goals. I'd like to have a nice place to live. I don't think he cares. Again, look at his roots...I don't have to have the best or the nicest, but I try to take care of what I do have, and I work my butt off to keep what I have. I'd like to work towards the things I don't have. I think he is just planning to inherit his folks' place when they die (yeah, wanna talk about a thought that stresses me out????)
    ***
    I bought easy child 2/difficult child a horse. His response? He went and bought a mule (which I'm now wondering...his mule died 5 years ago...he didn't ride it when it was alive...when my dog died and I got a new dog, he went and got the heeler dog...so, is he really going to use this mule? And its a gaited mule. He has poked fun at me for years for riding gaited horses...he's ridden one ONE TIME, but he had to have a gaited mule...) Or is it a knee-jerk entitlement issue that she got one, so he does, too? (literally, he was on the computer looking for a mule within moments of me saying I'd found a horse for his daughter). Anyway, he had to take a small loan thru work to get it. I had to sign. I went to do that at lunch today. He handed me the check and told me to cash it all and bring it to him. I will be picking up the mule on Thursday. I do not want to pack around that much in cash til Thursday. He's afraid it will be spent if I leave it in the bank!!!! I bit my tongue, but on the way back to work, I decided I'm not letting that one slide. He is contributing to the household for the first time; I made him start giving me money to offset the car I bought that he's driving. He doesn't like it. I don't care, and if he wants to have a fit about it, I guess he's welcome to go spend some time at "his" house or contribute towards his expenses like easy child 1 does.
    ***
    (couple weeks back, I filled my truck to go on a camping trip. 35 gallons of diesel at $2.98 a gallon. I planned to drive so I would have enough fuel for the camping trip and the trail ride the following weekend. Things happened and he had to drive. He burnt the whole tank of fuel to go 250 miles (its the way he drives - it makes that much difference in a diesel - easy child 1 and I can pull 27mpg out of that truck - husband, 15 if he knows I'm watching). When his buddy, that went to look at the mule with him, asked how the fuel mileage was in the truck, husband laughed and said he doesn't care about fuel economy. He wants to get where he's going and he only worries when its empty. Guess I'm taking that as another "screw you" message. Whether he intended it that way or not. If I live like that, I won't have a camper. Or a horse. Or a truck! I have to watch the pennies to have the things I've got.)
    ***
    There's just so many little things...once I get started thinking, I can just come up with one after another after another...and its just royally ticks me off.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds so much like Useless Boy I could scream. We had a college account for Miss KT, and I had to cash my portion in to put a new engine in her Saturn (after she ran it out of oil). He realized I'd cashed mine in, so...you guessed it. And his rationale was "Well, your mother did it." Miss KT was furious at him for stealing her money, which he did. She received no benefit from that $7,000. It either went for computers, bicycles, or who knows where.
     
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Just got an email from the saddle club. They're looking for help cleaning up tonight.

    I ought to go volunteer. In fact, if wee's lesson is over in time, I will.
     
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    My difficult child-Dad suffers from the competitive sense of entitlement thing. Drives my mom nuts. He's forever spending money on "stuff" that he just has to have (usually computer stuff that ends up being obsolete in a year and gets relegated to the garage, so then he goes and by the NEXT thing he has to have), but criticizes her if she spends a dime on herself.
     
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Makes me crazier than I already am.

    I'll get over it. He's not all bad. He just can tick me off like no other.

    He swept the floor tonight. Woohoo! And I didn't have to demand he come out and help me doctor Wee's horse in the dark. Boy, do I feel special.

    Got easy child 2/difficult child's grade checks today. He at least opened them and took note of the missing work. (oh yes, shocking...more un-finished assignments, more d's and f's. (this is me not caring)) She has a band concert Thursday. Last year, at this time, she "hated band", and 2 days later, signed up to take it again this year. She's not going to fail band because the grading is so lenient, but she has never learned a single scale or piece of music - she's gotten an F on every "assignment" she's had. She refuses to bring the horn home to practice. I'm not going to the concert. husband can go, if he so desires. But I'm not wasting my time.
     
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