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Son, 30, has been in jail over a month
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 664520" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Laura, I understand how scary it can be when our precious adult children are in jail. My son has been there multiple times and he also abused drugs and alcohol. He is 26.</p><p></p><p>You are very likely a turbulent stew of emotions when it comes to him because you are setting a new boundary. You know he won't like it at all and will push back hard. You are trying to soften the blow by doing a lot of explaining why. I know because I did that too. </p><p></p><p>Remember this: drug addicts and active alcoholics have a #1 love in their lives: their drugs and their alcohol. Everything and everybody takes a back seat to that. Most of them spend all of their time figuring out how to get more, any way they can. They will use anybody. They will steal from their own parents and grandparents. There is nothing or nobody that is sacred. My son stole from me and multiple family members and friends multiple times. When they see in jail and really, unable for the first time in a long time to get what they want when they want it, they become enraged and go back and forth between coercive manipulating and intense fury. They are trying to shake us so we will react.</p><p></p><p>Don't do it. He is in the best possible place besides rehab right now. Let him stay there as long as possible. </p><p></p><p>Explaining and trying to get his attention and trying to teach right from wrong is useless. He knows all of this. He wants what he wants and that is all there is.</p><p></p><p>The less said the better. Tell him you love him and you want the best for him. </p><p></p><p>You have not caused this in any way, shape or form. He is a grown man making his own decisions. </p><p></p><p>Start working on yourself to let go of your guilt and shame and the need to enable. </p><p></p><p>The more you enable and protect him from real life consequences for his actions, the more you are hurting him and preventing him from dealing with life on life's terms. He has to feel the pain of his own life decisions before he will be motivated to change. Don't be the safety net that prevents that. It feels like love but it is the a crippling love. Learn how to get out of the way so he has a chance to change. That starts with letting him stay right where he is and stopping any financial support at all. </p><p></p><p>I know this is very hard to learn to do. After a lot of back and forth I learned to do it, not perfectly but imperfectly. That is just fine and the best we can ever do. </p><p></p><p>Read this site. Read books. Start going to alanon. It saved my life and taught me how to let go and stop enabling. We care here. We understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 664520, member: 17542"] Laura, I understand how scary it can be when our precious adult children are in jail. My son has been there multiple times and he also abused drugs and alcohol. He is 26. You are very likely a turbulent stew of emotions when it comes to him because you are setting a new boundary. You know he won't like it at all and will push back hard. You are trying to soften the blow by doing a lot of explaining why. I know because I did that too. Remember this: drug addicts and active alcoholics have a #1 love in their lives: their drugs and their alcohol. Everything and everybody takes a back seat to that. Most of them spend all of their time figuring out how to get more, any way they can. They will use anybody. They will steal from their own parents and grandparents. There is nothing or nobody that is sacred. My son stole from me and multiple family members and friends multiple times. When they see in jail and really, unable for the first time in a long time to get what they want when they want it, they become enraged and go back and forth between coercive manipulating and intense fury. They are trying to shake us so we will react. Don't do it. He is in the best possible place besides rehab right now. Let him stay there as long as possible. Explaining and trying to get his attention and trying to teach right from wrong is useless. He knows all of this. He wants what he wants and that is all there is. The less said the better. Tell him you love him and you want the best for him. You have not caused this in any way, shape or form. He is a grown man making his own decisions. Start working on yourself to let go of your guilt and shame and the need to enable. The more you enable and protect him from real life consequences for his actions, the more you are hurting him and preventing him from dealing with life on life's terms. He has to feel the pain of his own life decisions before he will be motivated to change. Don't be the safety net that prevents that. It feels like love but it is the a crippling love. Learn how to get out of the way so he has a chance to change. That starts with letting him stay right where he is and stopping any financial support at all. I know this is very hard to learn to do. After a lot of back and forth I learned to do it, not perfectly but imperfectly. That is just fine and the best we can ever do. Read this site. Read books. Start going to alanon. It saved my life and taught me how to let go and stop enabling. We care here. We understand. [/QUOTE]
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Son, 30, has been in jail over a month
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