Son and our home.

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Lulu348, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. Lulu348

    Lulu348 New Member

    DS is 22 and in his last semester of college. He is ADHD not otherwise specified, because he really doesn't have hyperactivity or attention issues...but something was wrong that couldn't be identified. He is better every year it seems, so maybe the brain is slowly maturing. He's been on Vyvanse for years, but he really takes his because otherwise he's totally unmotivated it seems...mostly with schoolwork. He lazes around the house horribly when home. Something is not quite right, but not severe enough to incapacitate him. He's finishing up college, has a PT job where a FT job is being offered after graduation and us a normally social.

    But he is sneaky and lies to us when he doesn't like our decisions. We had told him he could live with us when he graduates, but I think we are going to have to retract that offer and it's hard.

    When we are out of town on weekends in the summer, husband doesn't want the kids to have others in the house. He just doesn't, and that's fine with me. We told the boys during the summer that absolutely no one in the house while we weren't there. Not that we don't necessarily don't trust their friends, but their friends Might bring friends who don't know us, etc.

    Anyway, DS had a friend over the first weekend we left, I found out and he lied until he couldn't we had words, you's a stupid rules, arguing, etc. I told him he has completely ruined it for himself and now HE can't stay at home when we don't. He has an apartment in his college town an hour away. So, we found out yesterday he did it again. I think he had a key made, how could he have got in? We took the spare keys out of the garage. He said the door was not locked...but of course I told him he knew he wasn't supposed to be there, his girlfriend was there. He lied about just taking a shower there Saturday night but never spent the night and what's wrong with that. He argues the whole time.

    He only admits it after I added our nieighbkr to look at their video footage and their was an SUV packed there Friday and Saturday evening...his new girlfriend. So more lies.

    Then he says it is HIS house, too. I say, no it's not. It's MY house and your Dads. I told him how deeply djsappointed we are with his lying and sneakiness and disrespect and his closing in on 23.

    I think I'm going to now have to spend several hundred and change my locks. I'm so sad we can't trust this son, and now I think we are going to have to tell him he can't live at home in a few months, but better take that job and find his own place. It just all makes me sad that I have a son who feels so entitled and can't follow one simple request from us. Any words of wisdom are appreciated. Our other son is not like this at all.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad about telling him to take the job and get his own place. He is old enough. If he doesn't like your rules in your house, well, he can support himself. It's good for him to get used to being an adult. At 23 he should be on his own. All my kids, including an autistic son, had their own places that they paid for by that age. It's good for him to be self sufficient.

    Do change your locks.
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Lulu. Welcome and sorry this is so difficult.
    You are right, not his house, not his rules. You deserve peace in your own home and that includes who's there and when and to be able to trust your son. It seems more than time to draw a line.
    It's certainly time at his age, especially with college nearly behind him, to do that. He may hate having to work to pay rent/utilities (don't we all?) but it's apparent he wants to have the benefits of his own place-so make it happen by setting boundaries for yourself. Down the road, he may thank you for the push.
    Could you start by changing your locks so he knows you mean business and setting a date for him to get his own place? Maybe that will be enough to motivate him. Setting a few boundaries (write them down) can give you some control over your space. This is all so stressful, be good to yourselves during this chaos.
    Many of us, upon looking back, can't believe all we tolerated. It's hard to see until you are past it. We get so clouded and confused, we are parents who love them so much. Love him enough to allow him the independence he's demanding. Prayers.
  4. Lulu348

    Lulu348 New Member

    Thank you both so very much for your understanding and advice. He's a nice person, but difficult in many ways. He doesn't like confrontation, so he just will lie and be sneaky to get his way. He used to sneak out of the house in high school.

    It breaks our hearts the thought of having to lock him out of the house, and husband has a tendency to buckle when push comes to shove, so I will have to be the drill Sargent with this. I will tell husband he has a choice. To not let him live with us after college, or accept the fact that his wishes will be flipped off and he will be lied to...and I can't live with the latter.

    He can still come over, eat, sleep whatever he wants when we are here....but he has to have his own place.

    husband and I need to talk when we are not tired during the week and formulate a discussion with him, so this doesn't result in a crevice between us. I want him to know how loved he is and want him here as much as he can be...but he is at the age where he wants his life to be a certain way, and we want ours a certain we just can't live together anymore. I don't want this to seem like a punishment, but more of a stage of adult life we all have to go through.

    I do need to mention his lying though, as I think it's effecting other relationships he might have.

    Any other suggestion? I will be getting a hold of a locksmith this week.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    our son had a penchant for lying, but it started with drugs. He has some mental issues...but no excuse...we are working on not jumping to a lie when confronted...eventually it will bite you. Unfortunately sometimes the truth does too ours has found out.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son lied due to drug use too. I hate liars more than anything.

    I probably would not have a problem with my son having friends over if we were gone unless they stole from us or disrespected our home.

    After what we've been through this sounds so mild in nature but good that you are so strict.

    Our older boys are so mellow they never fought the rules. This last one has been a hell raiser for a long time. We're worn out from it.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    At 23 with college soon over, you will do him NO favors if you let him stay in your home and ignore your rules. That is, in my opinion, the root of the current generation's failure to launch problem. He needs to be in his own home, and to have to struggle to pay for his own home. I know my parents had a firm 'go to school or get out' rule and I was out long before I was out of college. We did live with my folks later but it was at their request and for a very specified duration, and it ended up causing a whole lot of problems for all of us. Lots of that was due to my older brother, but that is whole other thing.

    Your son sounds entitled and a bit lazy. Having his own apartment where he has to pay the bills or go without stuff will make him struggle, but that is how we grow and it is necessary. My oldest son just moved out of my parents' home and in my opinion they let him live there WAY too long. I have not ever told them I think this because it is not my home, and it was not my business to tell them to do this. My oldest is my difficult one and he has come so far and I have no issues with him now. He is very respectful and sweet to all of us, and if he hadn't been, he would NOT have been in my parents' home. My mom was always the QUEEN of creative but logical consequences and not rescuing us from them, so if he had been disrespectful, well, I had faith she could have stopped him in his tracks.

    I think some creative problem solving might solve your issues. You MUST be on the same page with your husband though. If you are not united, this will only end up harming your marriage and your son at the same time. I once heard a lecture from a parenting/teaching expert who said that any plan for change and behavior change especially should be made in advance and you should ask for help/advice from other parents to see if they can help you stop any 'loopholes' before they start.

    Changing your mind is not bad, and just because you said he could stay does NOT mean that you are not allowed to change your mind and say he cannot. Esp as you will be giving him plenty of notice! Make sure that it is firm in your mind and in your hubby's mind that the change is due to your son's ACTIONS. Your son CHOSE to not only ignore the no guests rule but also chose to lie and sneak rather than to be open and honest. It is, in my opinion, the lying and sneakiness that give your husband the thought that he is not comfortable with guests in your home when you are not there. So don't put up with the arguing, just tell your son that the plan has changed, that eh cannot live there after college, and that the change is due to HIS ACTIONS.

    If your son attempts to stay at your home when you are not there, call the police and have him removed or else remove your support from some other activity. Don't pay his phone bill if he is on your plan, or cut off the internet when you are not at home, and do other things to make staying there unattractive. It isn't hard to unplug the internet router and take it with you, or the cable box for the tv either. These are things our kids often find crucial for enjoying life, so take them away if you do not want him to be there without you.

    When you tell your son the new plan, don't argue. Don't debate or discuss. Tell him calmly what will be, and if he argues, debates or justifies, get up and walk away. Just leave the room. I won't EVER forget when my mom started doing that to my brother. He tried four times over 2 months to get me to help him have her committed to a psychiatric hospital because he would start to argue and she would just leave the room. Sometimes she just went into the bathroom and even with his lack of boundaries my brother would NOT follow her in there. Even as kids we knew that would be the end of life as we knew it, lol. But my bro was totally serious that my mother, who was still a college professor at the time, was senile all of a sudden because she would not listen to him for hours as he ranted. I still find it kind of funny that he thought that he COULD have her sent away. It did end his arguing for hours just to hear himself argue. It also ended several other bad habits because if bro didn't leave shortly after she walked away, my dad would go and tell him to go home. It drove my bro nuts for almost a year, but eventually he accepted it.

    Your son may argue, or try to. Just be calm and firm, and then make it happen your way.

    I think your hubby shows good sense with his rule of no guests. I have seen a few houses around here after adult kids had parties that got posted on facebook or twitter. One of the houses ended up getting condemned due to damage from the party! Other houses had thousands of dollars of damage to them. It is a wise rule because the way things are posted on social media and then go viral, this could happen even if your son thought he only invited 5 or 6 people over. it is just nuts but it is happening all over the country.
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Has anyone thought about the fact that there is NO state in the nation in which a single person working a reasonable amount of hours at a minimum wage job can afford an apartment? Not even an efficiency!

    Statistics show a large number of millenials living at home, and this is the major reason given.
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Going north,

    You are right. You have to have a roommate and then you get into who's on the lease etc...

    I also think millennial s think they should live like their parents...well hello, we started off poor, worked ate soup and drove 12yr old cars, we still do. We are very honest about they deserve only what t hey work for.

    Working poor is a problem in America...especially young families...
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    mof, I spent the first 12 years of my life in inner city Chicago. I grew up poor, though did live on the cheap side of a wealthy suburb for a while.

    My husband and i were dirt poor starting out. We did OK while he was in the Army only because I had a good job in Germany and was primary bread-winner. I maintained that role afterwards, and we had several middle-class years before his death.

    Now? I live just like my mother: small, over-priced apartment in a decent neighborhood. A car. Fixed income. I get by, but no savings. The only difference in our expenses is that I spend more on groceries and I have pets, which in addition to the usual pet costs, cost me 50 dollars per month in 'pet rent'.
  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Going north..sounds like my mom. She would skimp on groceries for her pups!

    Luckily, she lives down the street and we always help each other out!
  12. Lulu348

    Lulu348 New Member

    Susiestar...Thank you for your reply. It just makes my husband feel so awful to change the locks. I have the locksmith coming tomorrow for estimates. You are right, he feels entitled. husband sent him a long email last week after it happened, a very good one. One of the things he said was that he was told that DS felt like the house was his, too, and was arguing a bit with me about that. He wrote, "you are confused with this. This is your HOME. A home is shared by a family. But it is not your house. A house has an owner who sets the rules, and responsible for all activities within it". I thought that was very well put and clarifying. Will let all know what happens.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    Good luck in all of this. Great there is a unified front!