Son Finally diagnosed bipolar

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ca Mom Losing Hope, Oct 24, 2015.

  1. I haven't been here for quite a while. My son has been away living in a trailer on his grandmother's property with his dad, and not talking to me. He always chooses one or the other of us to be mad at. August of last year, his dad asked me to help him and get him a flight back to California, from Indiana where he was living with his brother. That ended when he violently attacked his brother while sleeping cause he was mad about an earlier argument days ago. His dad would let him live out there with him in their trailer. Well as always happens, my son began to treat everyone horribly. He quit helping his dad or grandma with any chores and was being just generally rude and disrespectful in his actions and words. Calling everyone names and yelling words I can't write here. My ex husband's mother is battling cancer. As you can imagine, this has taken a toll on everyone there. However our son had only becomes more combative as she gets sicker. He is 23 years old and has never taken any responsibility to take care of himself. Always jumping from one house to the other, my mom, his dad's mom, my house, his brothers, his aunt's, etc. Currently it is, his dad's trailer on his cancer ridden grandma's property. Grandpa died in November of last year. Since all of this is about three hours north from my house, it has been peaceful here.

    About four weeks ago, his dad called me and told me our on threatened to kill himself. Said he had one of his (dad's) guns in the trailer and said nobody loves him and that he wanted to die. His dad tried to talk him down, called the cops, and they got him to come out and they took him to the hospital. Released within a day and back out at the farm, his dad's. They didn't want him there so things escalated. He if course didn't make it any better or try to make anything work. Sometime these last five or so weeks, grandma and his uncle got a restraining order against him, he says for no reason and that they will give little old ladies restraining orders for anything.

    So things kept escalating. Keep in mind, they live at least five miles from town, and our son doesn't have a vehicle. And since he couldn't come close to the main house, he would sit outside his trailer and yell for his dad, and both in a friendly way. Apparently yelling for the "fat f***" to come out and help.

    So earlier this week, while my ex was with his mom in the hospital for pneumonia, or soon called an ambulance and admitted himself for mental issues. We have been trying to get him to get help for quite a while. They diagnosed him bipolar. Prescribed him lithium and lorizapan and released him. When he called his dad, his dad said he wasn't going to come get him, he wanted him out. So he called me for the first time since August of last year, to help him. I told him what I could was call his aunt to give hunk a ride to his trailer, he had residency, or let him know where there is a shelter. Of course that is not what HE wanted, HE wanted meet to pay for a hotel. Prior to finding this board years ago, I didmeail him out in this way, and praying for small houses in Indiana, or paying rent to my mom for him, etc. I am the bank of mom, but I haber been really strong since August of last year, hence why he doesn't talk to me, or didn't until his dad got fed up.

    So he didn't want the help I offered and said he was going to jump in front of a vehicle on the freeway and kill himself. This too is a recurring event. I learned the previous times that when we got here, call the cops and let it go. I am not equipped to resolve these situations. I reported it to his local police dispatcher around 9pm and they called me at 330am telling me they found him and he was in the ER. Of course the ER told me nothing other than he didn't have anything life threatening and there was no accident. Thank goodness but what is next. The next day I get a call while at work from a psychiatric facility asking why I called the hospital and what is his brother's number. I answered both and he hung up.

    He got out of there within three days and went back out to his trailer. His dad had broke the lock cleaned out the trailer of most of his stuff and he was pissed. He called me and wanted me to call a cab cause his aunt, my sister, was going to let him store the remainder of his stuff at her house. I have a no giving money rule, but I said if she paid for the cab, I would pay her back. Not what HE wanted. HE wanted meet to pay the cabbie, as I have before. I had meetings all day, was on my way to work, no way I could step out on a whim and pay there cabbie via there phone. It escaled as it always does. He cried and said everyone is so mean to him, nobody will help him, I am all he has to help him. I told him again what I could do but that wasn't what he wanted. I had to get to work. That was yesterday. Around 5pm I am driving home, after picking my six month old son up from day care, and he calls again, from jail. He was arrested for breaking the restraining order. I don't know Ali there details, but his older brother said their dad told him that he stood outside of the trailer yelled and yelled for a ride to his aunt's, one of his uncle's came out, it escalated, and they called there cops. Apparently this was a violation. He called me over and over again from the jail, on my cell, while I was driving home. I had no way to accept it. You have to set up an account and I was driving. He continued to call when I got home. I tried to set up the account, had lots of troubles. I finally got it to work, but after around thirty calls, he quit calling.

    II feel horrible. The one call that wasn't collect her did leave me a message. Said he would be in until Tuesday and please help him. Call his dad. Help. I don't think he was asking for help to get out, more help what does he do when he does get out. He has burnt every bridge. He can't come home as he has been very violent to me, not physically but closer you that a few times.

    I want to help, but what can I do?
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
  2. Sorry for all the typos. I was going to go back and edit but it won't let me
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Ca Mom,
    So sorry for you troubles, oh my, you have been through so much.
    I've been through some stuff too, and just recently got off the enabling go round. That is so new for me, that I am hardly qualified to post, but here is what I have learned and will have to repeat to myself in the event of a phone call.

    My two Difficult Child have put us through a bunch of crazy stuff, ripped us off, burnt their bridges with us, basically "biting the hands that feed". We have tried and tried to help to no avail.

    Turns, out their definition of help and ours is quite the opposite.

    Our definition-
    We will help you get on your feet, so you can get cleaned up, get a job and be responsible.

    Their definition-
    You have to help us, we are your children. We will live at your house, eat your food, steal things from you, break in to your house, party when we want, because we are adults and this is our life, but by the way can you pick us up, watch the kids, etc. etc.

    Our help was meant for them to try to help themselves, the more we helped them, the less they helped themselves. Vicious cycle.

    What we learned. There are shelters out there and help for people who want it. They are adults and responsible for their choices. There is absolutely nothing we can do for them. They will use us over and over and not learn from our help. We do not deserve to be dragged through the crazy. We have our lives to live.

    The biggest lesson, we are helping them the most, by NOT helping them.

    I wish for peace for you. I wish for that for all of us here.

    Stay strong and find time for yourself. You are not alone CA Mom!

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  4. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Well said New Leaf
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Seeking Peace, I hope all is well with you.

    Life is a roller coaster, and sometimes that ride is not so much fun.
  6. Yes well said New Leaf. I haven't been on the roller coaster for over a year. He was living with his dad, using him for a while. We are divorced so he uses one of us, when that one is fed up, he turns back to the other one. Spreads stories about how bad he was treated but the real story is always how horrible he treated the very person that was trying to help him.

    I feel sick about him being in jail. He has never been in jail except book and release for his two seperate DUIs and juvenile hall twice. I am sure there is probably other times I am just not recalling though. Like the times he stormed through my house at 17 high on something mad about asking him to take the garbage out. I called the cops, they 5150 him but release him a day and a half later. Yes it has been a long road. But somehow, thinking of him in jail makes me nauseous, nervous and sad, all at the same time. I live about three hours south of where he is in jail. It is my old home town, so my sisters and his dad are there.

    How do I deal with this guilt? Should I visit him in jail? His arraignment is November 6th, shoulder I go? What happens after his arraignment for breaking a restraining order? Does he go to jail for longer? Worst of all, what if he gets out and tries to come here?

    We have considered selling and moving, but that feels like running. Deep down inside, I just wish we could be normal and have a normal relationship. Will that ever happen?
  7. He got out of jail. I am glad he isn't there but worried where he will go. And scared he will make it here. Why do we have to live this way?
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ca Mom, you have a lot on your plate.
    GUILT, should not be there, why guilt?
    If your son is choosing to act unacceptably, what part do you have in that?
    Do you look back at mistakes you have made, and blame yourself for the choices your son makes now?

    Choices, Ca Mom, it is all about choices. We are all handed an uneven deck from our birth. Our parents are human and made mistakes, we are human and made mistakes. It is up to all of us, as individuals to take those cards dealt to us from the uneven deck of life, and play our hands according to the path we choose.
    Yes, we can look back and say, I am this way because of this, or that. It is not to blame, but to understand, to use those played cards to better ourselves.

    Our D c's use those cards over and over again to blame everyone else for their troubles. It is the easy way out, to continue to make excuses for what they are doing.
    To them, it is everyone else's fault, not theirs! The reason they play their cards thusly, is because it keeps them from looking at themselves, able to live as they choose, without remorse or regret.

    If you need to sell and move, that is your choice. I see you have a six month old. That baby is your priority now.

    Your decisions should be made with valuing yourself and your husband and taking the best possible care of your baby.

    We all wish for a normal, loving relationship with our d c's. What I have come to learn is that my two do not choose to live normally. When they have been home with us, normal just does not happen. It is a merciless upset of chaos and craziness.

    Your six month old does not deserve to witness that.

    I tried for years to help my two D c's. My youngest was just a babe as well when my oldest really began acting out.

    If I had the chance to do it all again, I would have closed the door, and fiercely protected my son from the resulting 13 years of chaos that he suffered.

    You have value and worth, Ca Mom.

    The article on detachment is very, very good. I go back to it to reinforce my decision to get off the roller coaster, physically and mentally. I do not want to be tortured with vivid images of what my D c's are doing, or suffering. So, I gave them back to G-d. If I find myself worrying, a prayer helps. I have learned that I cannot help them, they must help themselves.

    My D c's do not respect me, or themselves and their potential. It does not mean that will never happen. It means that as long as they do not respect me, I do not want them in my life, or for that matter, on my mind.

    That may seem cruel for a mother to say. But, I have value, and a life to live.
    I refuse to let their choices take any more time from me, my husband or my son. He is my priority. He is 14 and a wonderful boy. He deserves to have some peace. We all do.

    Stay strong dear. You are not alone.

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