son giving silent it/hate it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rebelson, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    As I posted in my other thread last Monday, (reminder)-->son called and needed $15 for 'fishing bait' to go night ocean fishing. I said no and held firm, offering $5 instead. He flipped out on me and after I warned him "I have to hang up, I can't do this.", I hung up. That was sort of a first for me, to deny him the small sum of $ that he asked for. That hang up was followed by around 10 unanswered phone calls from him within 5 minutes and then around 15 minutes of horribly hurtful and untrue text messages about his stepfather and I. How horrible we were to him (not) and the same old stuff he always reverts back to, his blasts from the past.

    So, that was last Monday. I did not call or text him until atleast this past weekend. Called one time last Friday, got his voicemail. Texted him a youtube song on Saturday, he LOVES music, unfortunately it's the hard rock awful, depressing stuff though. Called yesterday one time, got voicemail again.

    So, yeah, this is his modus operandi when he's mad at me-won't pick up the phone. He must be pretty ticked this time. Usually, he gives in and will just call one day shortly after he gets ticket at something I said or did... and act like nothing happened. And, usually it's cause he needs something. I am wondering, why isn't he needing anything from me? He has no extra $ except what he makes daily. Is he handling it better? Did he get kicked out? His rent is due tomorrow, does he have it all? If so, how? Is everything ok with him? I know his phone is being charged (meaning he's alive) cuz it rings & rings like normal then to VM. I peeked at his FB page the other day, he has it pretty private-posts anyway. And, I noticed his friends # went down by 1. I even got desperate today and called the 3 area hospitals where he lives to make sure he wasn't listed as a patient. Pathetic, right?

    It's not really abnormal for him to avoid me for this long, he's gone months before, when he moved in with his father as an older teen for a year. I guess I surprised him last week, when I did not do my usual caving in to his request for $. Up until then, I had obliged as I thought he was buying food with it.

    Usually when he ignores my anxiety heightens and I begin frantically blowing up his phone (calls and texts), until I reach him. But, this time I am not. I think he is surprised. And maybe wondering why. Or maybe he doesn't care. In any case, it's unusual for me to not blow up his phone.

    The song I texted him has given me a lot of comfort these past few days...I will share it. I hope I am allowed. :geek: :listening_headphones:

    Yes, I texted this song to him. There's a chance he WILL listen to it and not just delete it. When he was in jail for those 8 months, he was listening to christian music....and still likes a few of the ones he heard there. Not long ago, he texted me one to listen was a christian song he heard 1st in jail. But, his preference is the incomprehensible screaming, downer, depressing hard rock songs.
    (Slayer comes to mind:() I have tried to tell him, so often, that what you feed in to your mind, comes out via your heart, actions. He is a stubborn one. :cry:

    Any advice on how to deal with the silence is appreciated. I try not to come on too much and babble, bore you all. We all have our current, ongoing dramas.

    Yes, my phone has been quiet and I like it, but I also hate it. I miss my son so much.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    What a beautiful song Rebelson, thank you so much for sharing.
    Rebelson, what ever gave you the idea that you are babbling, and it is boring? Stop being mean to yourself. We are all "babbling" it is called venting, sharing, and that is exactly what this place is for. I don't know how many times someone has posted, and I'll be like "Uh, huh, been there, done that." Please do not "keep" yourself from posting, you are encouraged to post as much as you want. It helps not only you, but others who are going through similar situations.
    I have not heard from my Tornado for almost five months now. This includes my three grands.
    It is hard, but it is also not hard, you know?
    The daughter I miss, is in there deep inside.
    But, the one who I have seen for the past few years, is manipulative and cunning.
    She knows how to tug at my heartstrings and make my life hell.
    I miss my daughter, not the drug-napped her, the real her.
    She does the same thing as your son. She will not call me. It is a manipulative ploy.
    She is "punishing" me by not calling. It is absurd.

    My two have changed so much with drug use.
    I am thinking it is like they have personality disorder, they are not the kids I knew.
    I found this website that has some good information.
    I think it pretty much describes the things we go through with our d cs.
    There are some good articles about building our toolboxes.

    Take this time of no- contact to build your toolbox Rebelson.
    You have value and you matter.
    We have learned as moms, to put ourselves on the side, and take care of our kids.
    When the kids go off the rails, we get frantic, and there is this parallel journey we take with them.

    We don't mean to, but it happens.

    It is hard to let go and start to focus on ourselves.
    I have thought about how very important it is,
    because I don't do the kids any good by self destructing along with them.

    I hope you are able to take some time to do things you enjoy, to focus on YOU.

    I think it is the best thing we can do for the kids,
    show them by our actions,
    how to live well.

  3. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Sometimes silence is bliss. Silence means there is no drama. No arguments. No blame. No requests. No guilt trips. I may be horrid, but I look forward to silence - because it is a brief reprieve from all of the chaos.

    My advice? Enjoy it. Don't continue to try to make contact. You are letting him know how much it bothers you so that when he does call, you will be more vulnerable to giving in. Don't give him that power. Put the ball in his court. Enjoy the peace for awhile. He is ok. You are ok.

    Because he will call when he is ready or when he needs something. And I bet he acts like nothing happened and follows it up with needing something. Mine does it all the time. By not reacting, you take some of your power back. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It just means that you are honoring his choice to have no contact and not trying to force it.
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Rebel,

    Yes, your son is angry because you changed the rules. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
    You told him no to his request for money so now he is going to punish you by giving you the silent treatment.
    This is very typical behavior for a Difficult Child.
    Our d_cs will try and use our emotions against us. They want us to feel guilty and worry about them. When you "blow up" his phone with calls, texts and even a song he will view this as a victory.
    Yes, it's hard not worry about our kids but we have to let it go. We need to send them the message that we cannot be bullied, guilted or manipulated into giving them money or whatever it is they want.
    My suggestion is that you find something else to occupy your time. Take up a hobby or do something for yourself that you have always wanted to do. I would also suggest that you stop texting or calling him.
    Setting clear boundaries with our d_cs is the only way we can survive the chaos.
    You have a good start to this in the fact that you told him no when he wanted money but I will add that no is no, don't offer him a lesser amount.

    ((HUGS)) to you.......................
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