son going downhill

[lostmyson]

Well, they didn't take him to court yesterday and now the court date is Oct. 10th. I really want to go bail him out today. He has been in 11 days now. So confused. I got called for a sub teacher job for the first time this morning and turned it down. I am such a mess. Hope they call me again. Confused and don't know what to do. Kim

 

[Tiredof33]

Kim,
I had similar situations with my son. I left him in jail for about 2 months over a $25 fine. You know where he is, he is not getting drugs, he is learning there is a reaction for every action, good or bad. What will the situation be if he is at home until October 10th? More drug use??

I wish I could say that leaving my son in jail turned his life around - it did not. He was court ordered into 2 separate programs. He walked away from one just before he was due to leave and had to spend more time in the program.

For some reason these kids just do not listen - they choose the hard path. You have to step back as much as you can and let him learn to help himself. It is so very hard and I spent many sleepless nights. Take it one day at a time, stay busy.

Start reading the many books out there and you do need to get counseling for you and your family, if they will go with you - if not go by yourself.

I subbed for a while and they will call you again. It may be for the best that you decided not to go today, the kids can be stressful and you are stressed enough.
(((huggs)))

 

[lovemysons]

Kim,
Sorry it took me awhile to respond...Had to take my mom to the airport this morning. Guess where's she's headed? Illinois!!!

Anyway, Please here tiredof33 as well as myself...and I know others will be along soon too to chime in...Whatever you do, please DO NOT BAIL YOUR SON OUT! I had to say it loudly Kim...cause you really need to hear it right now.

What you are inclined to do at this moment, is something we call "Enabling". Enabling kills, Kim. It does not help your son see who put him in jail or give him time to think about how he got there and how to avoid this in the future.
Your son is safe...he is not using any substances right now. He has food and shelter. And meanwhile, he is "drying out" and you, your daughter and husband are able to live at home in peace at the moment.

I suggest telling your son that he can start going to AA meetings if he wants to come back home (if that is your desire to have him back home). And that YOU start going to Al Anon meetings. I don't think you can do this alone and the support of this board may not be all you need. I really implore you to make that phone call to a local Alcoholics Anonymous group today and find out when and where the Al Anon meetings are held.

I am so glad you are still reaching out and posting. We can see that you love your son very very much and want him to have a happy and drug free life. Sometimes when we "enable" we are interfering with a "higher plan"....we are getting in the way of the consequences, the "hitting bottom", and the help.

I know your mommy heart hurts for your son...But trust me, what you are telling him right now, by not bailing him out, is that HE IS A SURVIVOR and a very capable person. When our mommy hearts treat them like they are handicapped and disabled we are telling them they "can't make it without us", "can't survive with us", "can't handle the consequences of life without us" and "can't get the help they need without us".
But none of this is true.

Ask yourself..."Is my son mentally handicapped?" Ask yourself..."Does my son know right from wrong?" and "Is he capable of learning?" I think once you answer these questions for yourself then you will not see your son as so weak that he can't handle this on his own.

Trust me...I have people around me reminding me over and over and OVER again that my son is an ADULT. And he should be given the dignity and respect that any fully capable adult human being is allowed.

You did not put your son in jail. He did that through stealing. These are his consequences, though trust me, I know all too well that they feel like OUR consequences too.

I hope I did not come down to harshly with the way I just spoke to you, Kim. But I really see you and your son in a very similar place as I have been with both of mine. We want to save them...even sacrificing ourselves, our peace, our sanity. But we are not martyrs, nor should we be. Nor should we lend ourselves out to be victims of their behavior either. If you bail son out...You are out that money and peace of mind as you do not have any guarantee that son will stay out of trouble til Oct 10th (next court date). You are setting yourself up to live on pins and needles...none of it is necessary if you will let son own his consequences.

Meanwhile, I think someone mentioned in an earlier thread that it could be a good idea to see if judge can get son into treatment program. If you have time and want to do anything constructive FOR YOUR SON that would be my suggestion too to see if you can talk to the judge and have "court ordered drug/alcohol treatment for your son.
If there are mental illness issues going on too the treatment center will often times have a pyschiatrist on stafff that can address that as well.

Don't worry about not subbing today...You can let that go.
Please call Alcoholics Anonymous and see where an Al Anon group is meeting asap.

please keep posting too.
I really care about you and son's situation. You are a mom after my own heart.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

Good Morning Kim,
Just thinking about you and hoping you're doing okay today.

Hugs,
LMS

 

[lostmyson]

Hello again LMS and other supporters. I did bail my son out Tues before I read your post. Probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, thought I was doing the right thing. Found out last weekend that son's paternal grandpa, who has been battling cancer for about 6 years, could no longer be helped and that hospice was coming in. I was afraid he would pass before son got out. I made a mistake as you all said I was. We did go visit grandpa Tues afternoon. Didn't tell him where son had been. Once son got his medications back was taking 5 or 6 a day, prescribed 2 per day. Got them from him a few days later and counted them, I took them away. They are Adivan by the way. I wish he was locked up now and safe. This week has been hell and my husband has kicked him out already. My "mommy heart" is broken. Son is angry, hungry and has nowhere to go. I have made a bigger mess of things. Son was o.k. being locked up, said so after I bailed him out. I am new at this and don't know how to get through to him. The plan was he comes home, job hunts during day, gets paid for doing chores of an evening in order to job hunt following day. Can't seem to do this. Sneaks out at night. I see no end to the chaos. This was my week, Am ashamed I have made things worse. Would have been dealing with this in a month anyway. Kim

 

[DDD]

Do NOT blame yourself. He is making the choices that are causing the problems. More than likely 90% of us have made choices we regretted later. The choices are made with love and major confusion because we are put into the type of circumstances we'd only read about or seen in movies. We do understand. Next time you have a choice you will make that choice with a little experience behind your decision. You are not alone. Hugs DDD

 

[lovemysons]

Awww Kim, It's okay...You are not at fault. You are a good mom and your heart is in the right place. As DDD said...These are son's choices that are causing the problems.
We get it. It's unfortunate the we are the one's often left carrying the guilt and shame when we are trying to lift them up and help plan and pave a better road for them. I understand.

When my oldest difficult child was hooked on Meth and my husband kicked him out (took him to an AA meeting and dropped him off), I went and picked him up off the streets and brought him home. Even if all he could do was to stay in the car til I thought of something else. Cause my husband was SO incredibly angry...as my oldest had stolen around 10k in computer equip from a client oldest and husband worked for at the time. The computer equip was stolen to buy more Meth. It was a nightmare. Before I picked up oldest I could be found at 4 am screaming my son's name from the window up and down the street where he said he would be. I was frantic to "save" him...it was around 40 degrees outside, he was hungry and cold.

Thankfully, oldest eventually let me take him to downtown police station and turn himself in...that too was a sobbing nightmare as I held his face in my hands and reassured him that I would be there for him through it all. And I was. Even to the point that That following year I had a psychotic breakdown after experiencing at least a yrs worth of panic attacks while my oldest was in prison rehab. All of the emotional aspects did me in. I am still paying the price today if you will as my health has not been the same since. But the medication I am on DOES work and keeps me fairly emotionally levelled out.

I know right now you must be very anxious, upset, and worried for son. But one thing noted on another post is that our difficult child's are VERY RESOURCEFUL. They will often find a "friend" to stay with, be fed by, etc.

Please keep us updated on how you are and what's going on with son.
hugs and care,
LMS

 

[toughlovin]

Kim, Doing this tough love thing is full of heart ache and it is definitely a process. I think many of us have stumbled along this path finding our way with many trips and falls and mistakes. You can only do what you feel is the right thing at the time. I think bailing him out to see his sick grandfather makes a lot of sense and I think I probably would have done the same thing.

Now he is making bad choices again and those are not your choices and you have no control over those.... and given he is out on bail if he messes up he will get caught again and will be in more trouble. This is not your fault he has been clearly told he needs to keep his nose clean, and if he doesnt that is his choice and not yours nor is it your fault.

It is a process and a hard one.... so dont be so tough on yourself. You are doing the right things.

TL

 

[Srcsweet2]

I did the same thing ..or shall I say my mother did ..last year he is still out on bail facing some pretty serious charges and while he is out on bail what does he do ..start using heroin...my heart is broken I regret bailing him out and now I need to try to focus on my own life which lately has been very hard.....but I believe we do need to do these things almost as a way to realize that their problems truly are bigger than we are ...stay strong

 

[Nancy]

Dear Kim, you did not make things worse, honestly you didn't. Every one of us has bailed out addicts out many times before we finally understood that they were not going to change on their own. Remember an addict will let nothing stand between them and their drugs. They will lie, cheat and steal to get to them, because they need them. Of course you are worried but most of us here have found that our difficult children are very resilient and they survive many things that we don't think they can. What we all hope and pray for is that something will finally happen to make them want to quit. Be steadfast in your response to him that you will support him going into treatment but that is all.

You and husband have a right to live in peace and find joy again. You have a right to be able to subsitute teach whe they call and have your mind clear for your students. Remember you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Have you found a support group in your area?

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

More than likely 90% of us have made choices we regretted later.

DDD, I'd put that a 100%.

Kim, as others have said . . . this is a process. Keep posting and reading our stories. Many of us have walked this path and can share what has worked and what has not worked.

Read posts yesterday but couldn't reply as hubby was home and doesn't understand I can't keep everything bottled up inside.

It sounds to me like you are hiding your feelings from even your husband on this. I strongly suggest that you start communicating before this causes difficulty in your marriage. Having a difficult child has strained even the best of marriages and can be a death toll for others. My husband and I went to an addiction counselor to just get on the same page on what we needed to do for our difficult child. It was much better than a marriage counselor because she understood the addiction issues and what they can do to the family.

~Kathy

 

[lostmyson]

Sue, I notice you are from s. Illinois also. I live near Mt. Vernon. I too need to focus on my own life and that of my daughter. Feel like a dark cloud is always hanging overhead. Somehow I am able to sleep pretty well. That is my only escape. difficult child is kicked out because he won't follow rules. Showed up yesterday while husband was at work. Fed him, he showered and brought me his dirty laundry. Bio dad in California and I trying to get him to join military. Guess things aren't bad enough yet for him. He needs a change of scene. Frozen with fear also. Remember all of the good times when difficult child was young (little league, vacations, bicycling, etc.) So sad for a life that was full of hope.

 

[lostmyson]

Nancy, I do have a number for a local al-anon group. Meets on Wed and Thurs. I have to work both evenings at my sister-in-laws restaurant this week only. Kathy, I am not really hiding my feelings from my husband but he is of the mindset out of sight out of mind. He buries his head in the sand and does not address serious issues. He is also only a step-dad to my son but has been very good to him. He hardly ever sees his 24 year old bio daughter who is learning disabled and lives 20 minutes away. I think I am emotional enough for the both of us. I have told him it is all I can do to get through my daily chores and take care of my daughter. LMS I can see how you could have had a breakdown after dealing with this for an extended time. I have suffered panic attacks years ago. It is so hard when we can't fix things like we did when our kids were little. Thanks all for listening. Kim

 

[lovemysons]

Kim,
I think maybe joining the military might be a good idea for difficult child to try at least.

Good for you for checking out Al Anon meetings. Maybe you'll be able to make one next week.
Look forward to hearing how that goes for you.

So true too about not able to fix things like we could when they were little. Now, they have to want to fix things...Alot of it is out of our hands.

Thinking of you this morning,
Hugs,
LMS

 

[Srcsweet2]

Sue, I notice you are from s. Illinois also. I live near Mt. Vernon. I too need to focus on my own life and that of my daughter. Feel like a dark cloud is always hanging overhead. .

I live near Mt Vernon too..my son lives in Mass ..so I am frozen with fear when the phone rings or I get emails from home ....I tried years ago to get my son to join the military too .imagine he got them to leave him alone.. I am trying hard not to answer his calls or reply to his texts since he either wants money or me to buy him something ...very sad here and quite anxious

 

[lostmyson]

Sue, I can so relate to your anxiety when the phone rings. difficult child has been kicked out all week and it has been so peaceful. I know he is staying with a friend not too far from here. Talked to him a few days ago and we just argued. He told me most parents don't kick their kids out for verbal abuse. They usually wait until it is physical or the kid is stealing form them. I guess we are just extra bad parents. ha. He also complained because we won't let girls spend the night with him here. Just what he needs a child.There goes the mailman. That is another cause for anxiety. By the way difficult child was hung over a few days ago. If they have $ for alcohol they ought to have $ for food. I so understand feeling used or treated nicely when they are wanting something. Trying hard to detach. It's easier when someone is unkind. Even if it's your baby boy. Needed to vent. Keep in touch. Maybe we will thaw out someday. Kim

 

[lostmyson]

Haven't been on in a few weeks as I started a new job beginning of Oct. working at the unemployment office.Since then difficult child has been arrested for dui. Been in local jail for over a week, still there. Caught doing donuts in church parking lot 2 a.m. Others involved but not caught. Could possibly be charged as felony because of damage.Bail is 3000 not 300. Would not bail him out this time if 3$. Court date in neighboring county for shoplifting postponed til Dec. 19 which is my daughters 4th birthday. Sick inside and frozen with fear. Don't really want him back home if they release him but see no options as he will now be afoot. Trying to concentrate on new job but living in a daze. Feel I will never have my life back and he continues to destoy his and ours. So embarassed as all is in the local news. See no end to it all.

 

[Signorina]

Oh hon, I am so so sorry. {{{ hugs}}}

 

[toughlovin]

I am sorry you are going through this.... i totally understand!!! Hold your head up high, no matter what society says his actions are NOT a reflection of you, they are a reflection on him!!! Sounds like him coming home is not a good option for you, pay attention to that. You dont need to let him come home and destroy your life... he is making his choices. Let him know you love him but you do not need to rescue him to love him.

TL

 

[buddy]

Just wanted to say I care. It must be very hard but you are doing well even if it feels overwhelming. Hugs to you....