Son in jail...again.. new to the board
- Thread starter jude-in-nj
- Start date
jude-in-nj
Member
His interest is in auto mechanics. He was working when he was arrested. Seemed to be a great job for him and he really enjoyed it. He was working at a small family owned auto repair shop.
He has had a lot of friends over the years but most of them have moved on... Getting married etc. I think he's caused alot of rifts between himself and friends. His best friend committed suicide when my son was 16..friend was 18. He had just graduated high school.. Valedictorian of his class. This obviously could've my son distress and could've been the catapult for his downward spiral (although he was already headed that way for a few years)
His social skills are so so... He doesn't know how to handle himself in difficult situations. His cousins dad died tragically last year (my brother in law) and my son avoided seeing his cousin because he didn't know how to talk to him or what to say. We encouraged him to just reach out and say "I'm here... I'm thinking of you".. They were close friends.
He has had a lot of friends over the years but most of them have moved on... Getting married etc. I think he's caused alot of rifts between himself and friends. His best friend committed suicide when my son was 16..friend was 18. He had just graduated high school.. Valedictorian of his class. This obviously could've my son distress and could've been the catapult for his downward spiral (although he was already headed that way for a few years)
His social skills are so so... He doesn't know how to handle himself in difficult situations. His cousins dad died tragically last year (my brother in law) and my son avoided seeing his cousin because he didn't know how to talk to him or what to say. We encouraged him to just reach out and say "I'm here... I'm thinking of you".. They were close friends.
jude-in-nj
Member
He has experienced alot of loss in his life... When he was around 7 his cousin died in a car accident.. He was 16... Another close friend died years later when my son was approx 15..she was 13...and then his best friend hung himself. I think my son carries some guilt from that situation.
His uncle died last year and a few months later his grandfather.. My father in law.
I
His uncle died last year and a few months later his grandfather.. My father in law.
I
jude-in-nj
Member
No I don't think it's aspergers. My nephew has it and so does my cousin. No similar traits at all. My son was seen by many psychologists over the years and not once was it mentioned.
jude-in-nj
Member
I think he has anxiety and social anxiety
jude-in-nj
Member
Co dependency issues as well..
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Jude
Welcome to the board.
The decision to be and do differently has to come from you not from your son, as others have said.
Your son is in charge of himself: He is the one who is impacted by any psychological issues he may have, lying, substance use, relationship issues, issues with the criminal justice system, etc. He has the potential and the responsibility to deal with every single one of these things.
Your job is to remove yourself. To get out of the way. From a sense of responsibility, guilt. From the sense that you have any solutions. From the impact or taking the brunt when things go wrong.
I know how hard it is. My son has a mortal illness for which he requires treatment. He needs medication he does not take. He misses medical appointments and has one more scheduled 9/23.
So much I want to remind him of the upcoming appointment. So much I want to tell him the consequences if he misses one more.
I have not. The solution, even his living or dying, is no longer in me.
My responsibility is dealing with my own feelings, my own choices, finding my own meaning and happiness. To trust my son.
My responsibility is loving my adult son and having the faith and confidence that he will gradually mature.
My responsibility is to remember that I taught him well. He can do it. So can I.
COPA
Just my experience and observation but... anxiety, and social anxiety, are often seen as "stand alone" challenges - but frequently, there is something else at work, and the anxiety is just a symptom. We went down that road for years - school and doctors and therapists telling us we had to help our son get a grip on his "anxiety". In reality? His physical, developmental and mental health issues were at the root of all of the anxiety.
If you are continuously told to do things you cannot do, and then are called lazy or worse; if you cannot follow the directions given (for a number of different reasons), and are continuously told that you aren't paying attention; If the kids your age don't want you around because you can't do the things they do, and the younger ones don't want you around because you're too big (or teachers kick you out of that part of the playground), then how do you learn to socialize? Anxiety is a strange beast. We get farther by getting to the root than by cutting off the flower. Maybe it's a bit like a dandylion?
If you are continuously told to do things you cannot do, and then are called lazy or worse; if you cannot follow the directions given (for a number of different reasons), and are continuously told that you aren't paying attention; If the kids your age don't want you around because you can't do the things they do, and the younger ones don't want you around because you're too big (or teachers kick you out of that part of the playground), then how do you learn to socialize? Anxiety is a strange beast. We get farther by getting to the root than by cutting off the flower. Maybe it's a bit like a dandylion?
