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Son in jail nightmare continues
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 442454"><p>OK this is my take on this..... I think the idea of not bailing him out, paying for a lawyer etc. is great in theory. The point is to not keep enabling bad behavior and make them accountable and face the consequences of their actions. That is very good. the problem is the reality of our court system is that it is wonderful in principaly and pretty messed up in practice. It is an adversarial system with one side against another.... so going in without a lawyer really stacks the deck against you. Your son committed a serious crime and yet he is still young (and stupid as only the young can be)..... I think at this point going in without a lawyer, or only a court appointed attorney is going to make the chances of him doing more time very good. How much jail time does he really need to be held accountable and face the consequences. I don't think 15 years instead of 5 is going to teach him any more.... so as a mom I would want to give him that chance at having a normal life after jail. He is young and there is hope. Also a lot of prisons do have various programs for inmates, I hope he gets some help while there.My son is also 19 and also has many issues. He has not committed as serious a crime as your son but he did a whole series of stupid things, one of which was fairly serious in my book. We also did not bail him out and he spent one night in lockup with a friend and they saw it as a big joke. We let him have the court appointed attorney.... after the last stupid thing they revoked his bail and so he was held without bail. Personally I think the court did the right thing by doing this as he really didn't think anything would happen because it took several stupid offenses for this to happen. He spent two weeks in jail and discovered that he really hated jail a lot.... gone was the i don't care if I go to jail attitude. He does not want to go to jail!!! Anyway once his bail was revoked we got him a lawyer.... because at that point the stakes were higher and I really didn't think a year in jail would help him... I knew what he needed was treatment. Having a lawyer that works with the DA helped them come up with a plea deal... my son is stll facing consequences. He had to plead guilty to a felony so he has that on his record. He is on probation and has to be drug tested. He has a suspended sentance so if he screws up he goes to jail and he knows that. So it is not easy for him. Some may feel he got off but he still has all this hanging over his head with the reality of time in jail so he knows what is at stake. It did not cure him and he does not totally have his act together but he is trying and I think has a bit more respect for the legal system and is staying out of trouble at least for now....All this to say I think you are doing the right thing at this point by getting your son a lawyer.... only if you can afford it that is. I don't think you should put yourself in a situation where you are going Occupational Therapist (OT) lose your house, or major assets if you help him out. I think this is a time to figure out how you can help him without hurting yourself. I feel the same way about jail visits and phone calls. He is your son, and no matter what he has done you love him. So do for him what feels good to you... and dont do what doesn't feel good to you. There are no right or wrong answers here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 442454"] OK this is my take on this..... I think the idea of not bailing him out, paying for a lawyer etc. is great in theory. The point is to not keep enabling bad behavior and make them accountable and face the consequences of their actions. That is very good. the problem is the reality of our court system is that it is wonderful in principaly and pretty messed up in practice. It is an adversarial system with one side against another.... so going in without a lawyer really stacks the deck against you. Your son committed a serious crime and yet he is still young (and stupid as only the young can be)..... I think at this point going in without a lawyer, or only a court appointed attorney is going to make the chances of him doing more time very good. How much jail time does he really need to be held accountable and face the consequences. I don't think 15 years instead of 5 is going to teach him any more.... so as a mom I would want to give him that chance at having a normal life after jail. He is young and there is hope. Also a lot of prisons do have various programs for inmates, I hope he gets some help while there.My son is also 19 and also has many issues. He has not committed as serious a crime as your son but he did a whole series of stupid things, one of which was fairly serious in my book. We also did not bail him out and he spent one night in lockup with a friend and they saw it as a big joke. We let him have the court appointed attorney.... after the last stupid thing they revoked his bail and so he was held without bail. Personally I think the court did the right thing by doing this as he really didn't think anything would happen because it took several stupid offenses for this to happen. He spent two weeks in jail and discovered that he really hated jail a lot.... gone was the i don't care if I go to jail attitude. He does not want to go to jail!!! Anyway once his bail was revoked we got him a lawyer.... because at that point the stakes were higher and I really didn't think a year in jail would help him... I knew what he needed was treatment. Having a lawyer that works with the DA helped them come up with a plea deal... my son is stll facing consequences. He had to plead guilty to a felony so he has that on his record. He is on probation and has to be drug tested. He has a suspended sentance so if he screws up he goes to jail and he knows that. So it is not easy for him. Some may feel he got off but he still has all this hanging over his head with the reality of time in jail so he knows what is at stake. It did not cure him and he does not totally have his act together but he is trying and I think has a bit more respect for the legal system and is staying out of trouble at least for now....All this to say I think you are doing the right thing at this point by getting your son a lawyer.... only if you can afford it that is. I don't think you should put yourself in a situation where you are going Occupational Therapist (OT) lose your house, or major assets if you help him out. I think this is a time to figure out how you can help him without hurting yourself. I feel the same way about jail visits and phone calls. He is your son, and no matter what he has done you love him. So do for him what feels good to you... and dont do what doesn't feel good to you. There are no right or wrong answers here. [/QUOTE]
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