That is good advice. He has been in rehab three times and did not work. I think he needs to sit in jail for at least 6 months to realize this is not the kind of life to live and when he decides to go to rehab on his own terms then it may work. If the court gives him that option and he goes it will be just to get out of a situation and he will go back to drugs as soon as he can. He has a mentor that he admires alot and he is going to see him hopefully this weekend and see where his head is at. My son is a spoiled child and gets out of everything he really needs to have awakening call.
Son is Homeless
- Thread starter Kathyg
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Childofmine
one day at a time
Kathy, TL and MWM are giving you a lot of great thoughts to consider.
I totally agree that there is not just one bottom and who knows which one is THE ONE or if there is ever ONE rock bottom, but perhaps for many, a series of realizations as time goes on.
Right now, my difficult child seems a lot better in his talk and thinking but there has been little to no action. So progress but definitely not done cookin' yet, as SO says. That is sad but it is reality.
The most important thing about rehab is the constant exposure to all of the ways that addicts and alcoholics need to learn to cope with life on life's terms. They don't know how to do that. So it is way beyond just stopping the using, it is how to navigate life.
Most rehab programs are based on 12-step. I have found 12-step to be one of the most brilliant, simple and profound programs/concepts/way to live your life I have ever thought about, studied or even knew was "out there" in the world. At first, it's hard to understand how something so obvious and so clear and so simple could be that completely life-changing. But it can and it is and it does.
And then in rehab they get group counseling---they can talk and get all of the bad "stuff" out---and then service work, learning to do things for other people and the joy and happiness that brings, and most importantly, the value of being honest.
Honesty is vital to recovery. Without it, there is no recovery.
If he wants to go to rehab, I would try to get him to rehab. Is this THE TIME that things will all turn around. There is no way to know. I do believe, like TL said, that every time they are exposed to this new way of living and thinking and acting, that some of it has to stick.
Even if they say they completely reject it, as my difficult child continues to say, I believe some of it sinks in and sticks, maybe to surface much later.
Food for thought. If my difficult child came to me and said he wants to go to rehab or a ride to an AA or NA meeting or to help him get a schedule of those meetings or to see a counselor, that is something I would immediately try to help him get. So far, that has not happened.
I totally agree that there is not just one bottom and who knows which one is THE ONE or if there is ever ONE rock bottom, but perhaps for many, a series of realizations as time goes on.
Right now, my difficult child seems a lot better in his talk and thinking but there has been little to no action. So progress but definitely not done cookin' yet, as SO says. That is sad but it is reality.
The most important thing about rehab is the constant exposure to all of the ways that addicts and alcoholics need to learn to cope with life on life's terms. They don't know how to do that. So it is way beyond just stopping the using, it is how to navigate life.
Most rehab programs are based on 12-step. I have found 12-step to be one of the most brilliant, simple and profound programs/concepts/way to live your life I have ever thought about, studied or even knew was "out there" in the world. At first, it's hard to understand how something so obvious and so clear and so simple could be that completely life-changing. But it can and it is and it does.
And then in rehab they get group counseling---they can talk and get all of the bad "stuff" out---and then service work, learning to do things for other people and the joy and happiness that brings, and most importantly, the value of being honest.
Honesty is vital to recovery. Without it, there is no recovery.
If he wants to go to rehab, I would try to get him to rehab. Is this THE TIME that things will all turn around. There is no way to know. I do believe, like TL said, that every time they are exposed to this new way of living and thinking and acting, that some of it has to stick.
Even if they say they completely reject it, as my difficult child continues to say, I believe some of it sinks in and sticks, maybe to surface much later.
Food for thought. If my difficult child came to me and said he wants to go to rehab or a ride to an AA or NA meeting or to help him get a schedule of those meetings or to see a counselor, that is something I would immediately try to help him get. So far, that has not happened.
I think that he is eligible to go to a rehab instead of jail and I will support him with that. But part of me think we'll here we go again. I am tired of his lying and me getting my hopes up. I will hang in there because I love him.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Kathy I totally understand where you are at. My difficult child has also been in rehab numerous times, at this point I have lost count. It is true your son has not been in jail long and so is probably just looking for an easy way out.... so letting him stay there a bit longer is not a bad thing. I agree totally with not bailing him out!!!
In my sons case he was held without bail so I didnt have that option.... but I did make it very clear to the court he could not come home so did not have anywhere to go..... if I had been willing to bring him home they would have released him, but I was not willing to do that because it would have been a disaster for all of us.
So yes let them hold him..... but then as they are looking at plea bargains rehab is a good option.... and the good thing then is if he walks he is violating probation and they will hold him again..
In the meantime take care of yourself... and if your son gets nasty on the phone hang up. You dont need to put up with that.
TL
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In my sons case he was held without bail so I didnt have that option.... but I did make it very clear to the court he could not come home so did not have anywhere to go..... if I had been willing to bring him home they would have released him, but I was not willing to do that because it would have been a disaster for all of us.
So yes let them hold him..... but then as they are looking at plea bargains rehab is a good option.... and the good thing then is if he walks he is violating probation and they will hold him again..
In the meantime take care of yourself... and if your son gets nasty on the phone hang up. You dont need to put up with that.
TL
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Thank you. We are on the same page.luckily he has never been nasty to me but I will hang up if he does. He is really scared at this point so I always have hope that he will come around. That is all we have Hope
Well trying to take the weekend off. My son is sitting in jail b ope fully safe for now. I did not put money on the phone card. Not till monday. Need a break. He calls all the time. Saying what he does is not illegal and is going to sue. He has apparently not hit rock bottom . God give me strength.
Woriedmom
Member
Hi Kathy,.mine is.a long story too...and since Iam.still working on myself I won't get into too much here but my son has been incarcerated since July 23rd and sent me.2 letters since and I have to say he's said.more to me in these letters than in a year of being at home. All positive things... So now I think I'm in the way of him getting better if I keep trying to rescue him. He is. A.user but once in jail they can't even have a cigarette. But it was a different crime altogether that put him in there..... he helped his buddy steal some cell phones since he owed the guy $$$ and they both ended up with assault charges. My son has a. Lawyer that I didn't have to pay for but my son doesn't want me interfering and.is.very humble now. My problem is I can't stop thinking about him... I do have.my moments when I'm able to laugh about things but I have lots of.crying spells too. He.called tonight and.with his 2 minutes allowed only asked if I was.Okay. imagine that.... the.Lord stopped him in his tracks... he was a crazy kid.. okay young man running around like a mad man. Possession charges in one county and.a.D.U.I in.another county. yes.... my 20 yr.old has been quite busy. everything came to a hault when they cuffed him and.now.he's in a.tough county jail for I don't know how long. I think each day I get better but I'm so new to this detachment thing to be of much help. Your.story was just quite similar to mine so I had to pop in here and tell you that you are not alone. I'm sorry for your pain and we all are here for your support.
I am glad to hear from you. It gives me much relief to know that I am not alone. I also having detachment issues. It is hard to stop taking care of them when you have done it their whole life. I guess every kid is different but they all have to figure it out on their own but it is hard to make him suffer. He is still my baby but if I want him back I need to let go. I will pray alot and hope that one day we will all have peace. Have a great weekend.
Talked with my son today. Wants me to bail him out. I said no. He was saying alot of good things to make me think he will do good but I realized he is lying just for me to bail him out . I hope the court systems keeps him and makes him go to drug counseling. This is all new to me and each statebis different. He is in north Carolina and I am in south carolina . What makes them tired of living this kind of life? I wish I knew what to do. Cry alot and pray the rest of the time.
Childofmine
one day at a time
I don't know the "real answer" to your question but I am coming to believe that these factors are key---in no particular order here:
1. Us leaving them alone as much as we possibly can manage to.
2. Time.
3. The fervent prayers of many people.
4. Unknown people who will come alongside them (not us) and help in small and large ways.
5. Them living a life they don't like, and coming to realize there is a way out and it starts with doing just one thing differently today, and then putting a string of those types of days together.
6. #5 leads to maturity and maturity is something we all grow into all of our lives. It is essential for living an adult life.
The only things above that we have a role in are leaving them alone and prayer.
Kathy, I continue to lean into this way of life, and also to resist it at the same time. I need all of the help I can get.
Hang in there. Stay the course. They just aren't "done cookin'" yet.
We are all in this together.
Thank you so much. That gives me hope and helps me to stay strong.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Ok I think there is one more thing... and that is the love and support of family. It is absolutely no guarantee...but I think addicts have a better chance in recovery if they have family who love and support them. I realized one time that my son was in jail, that the only thing that might (and I stress might) keep him from becoming a hardened criminal was the love of his mother!!!
I do think loving them and letting them know you love them makes a dfifference. BUT it also means at times loving them from afar... and it definitely does not mean enabling them.
So to me when COM says leave them alone... that means, letting them be. It is not our role to control them, to fix them, to make them get into recovery. All of that is up to them. But I do think it is in our role to still love them.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
I do think loving them and letting them know you love them makes a dfifference. BUT it also means at times loving them from afar... and it definitely does not mean enabling them.
So to me when COM says leave them alone... that means, letting them be. It is not our role to control them, to fix them, to make them get into recovery. All of that is up to them. But I do think it is in our role to still love them.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
I have heard that many times. I tell him every day how much I love him and miss him but I cant help him anymore. He says he understands. Thank goodness his dad lives near where he is in jail at and I live three hours away because I may have caved by now. I miss him so much and wish he would give up this life of crime before I go to his funeral.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I am with you on that.... my hope for my son is that he live a productive life and not become a criminal. I really dont care what job he chooses or what career he has, or if he goes to school.... as long as it is legal I am happy!!
There are a lot of ups and downs on this journey.... and so part of it is learning to take care of yourself, get a lot or rest on the ups and do what you can for yourself on the downs.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
There are a lot of ups and downs on this journey.... and so part of it is learning to take care of yourself, get a lot or rest on the ups and do what you can for yourself on the downs.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
I am with you there. I just want to see him smiling and truly happy and then I will be happy. I am trying to take care of myself and get some sleep. Since he is in jail I rest easier. I am not sure what the next few weeks holds for him so I am not trying to think about it. Thank you for listening and being there. It helps me so mutch.
I hate to say this too, but thank God he is in jail and only for 6 to 9 months. It's a very short time but a long enough time for him to clean up and realize what he is doing. I personally believe that synthetic pot is the WORST drug out there. It's literally like smoking potpourri or even laundry detergent. I wish people knew how dangerous synthetic pot is. There was a kid recently on the news who died from taking one hit. Just one hit. Why can't they just smoke regular pot. I would make it my mission in these months to really drill it into his head how dangerous synthetic pot is. Honestly, thank God he is in jail and I will pray for him that he will have a true blue awakening. In my prayers.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I know my son smokedt spice because it didn't show up on drug tests! That's a down side to drug testing...they start doing stupid drugs to avoid being positive on the drug tests!
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That is why my son started doing it. Did you son stop using it?
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I dont think my son is doing it now.... I think now he is clean. But I have no doubt that if my son wanted to get high and that was what was available he would do it.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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Childofmine
one day at a time
TL, I agree that love and support is essential for our difficult children. The problem with it is how to show that love and support, when to step up and when to step back.
That is so very hard, all of the time, and I believe acknowledging it, especially at the beginning of our own recovery, keeps the pot stirred up with should i do this, should I do that, is this enabling, is that just being supportive....arghhhhhhhh!
That is where time and distance and space and detachment come in. Especially at the first period time of our own recovery and then throughout our recovery, we must have this in order to calm ourselves, begin to heal, begin to see things more clearly, begin to make better decisions for ourselves.
So, yes, I have never stopped loving my son.
I continue to struggle with defining support and encouragement and it is a constant thought process.
We can lump a lot of "stuff" under support and encouragement that really turns out to be enabling. Sometimes we (I) can't see that distinction until well after the situation is concluded.
Very challenging waters to navigate.
I think that is why "going no contact" for a period of time is always an option. Sometimes a very good option, depending on the circumstances.
That is so very hard, all of the time, and I believe acknowledging it, especially at the beginning of our own recovery, keeps the pot stirred up with should i do this, should I do that, is this enabling, is that just being supportive....arghhhhhhhh!
That is where time and distance and space and detachment come in. Especially at the first period time of our own recovery and then throughout our recovery, we must have this in order to calm ourselves, begin to heal, begin to see things more clearly, begin to make better decisions for ourselves.
So, yes, I have never stopped loving my son.
I continue to struggle with defining support and encouragement and it is a constant thought process.
We can lump a lot of "stuff" under support and encouragement that really turns out to be enabling. Sometimes we (I) can't see that distinction until well after the situation is concluded.
Very challenging waters to navigate.
I think that is why "going no contact" for a period of time is always an option. Sometimes a very good option, depending on the circumstances.
