Son is Homeless

[toughlovin]

I agree with you totally...I have yet to go the no contact option but I agree sometimes that is what we need to do. I also agree that backing off and having some distance I necessary to clear our own heads and to get clear about that very fine and difficult line to navigate between support and enabling.

Thankfully for me not having my son lives with us helps....I think when your difficult child lives with you this line is almost impossible to navigate!

TL


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[TearyEyed]

I don't know the "real answer" to your question but I am coming to believe that these factors are key---in no particular order here:
1. Us leaving them alone as much as we possibly can manage to.
2. Time.
3. The fervent prayers of many people.
4. Unknown people who will come alongside them (not us) and help in small and large ways.
5. Them living a life they don't like, and coming to realize there is a way out and it starts with doing just one thing differently today, and then putting a string of those types of days together.
6. #5 leads to maturity and maturity is something we all grow into all of our lives. It is essential for living an adult life.
The only things above that we have a role in are leaving them alone and prayer.

 

[TearyEyed]

Oops, I posted a quote from COM without my reply. Kathy, I am in the same boat right now. My son is also homeless and on drugs. I saw him the other day and he looked awful. I think the advice from everyone here will help get you through. And the advice from COM about how to manage is right on target. I am leaving my sone alone and praying every minute of everyday. Hang in there. Stay strong. There are some wonderful people on here and I have learned so much from them. We are all here for each other.

Hugs,
TE

 

[Lil]

I know my son smokedt spice because it didn't show up on drug tests! That's a down side to drug testing...they start doing stupid drugs to avoid being positive on the drug tests!

Yep. Exactly why my son does the synthetic crap. Thankfully, I don't think it's all that often. I am worried about what happens when he (finally) gets a job and has money again.

 

[Kathyg]

Oops, I posted a quote from COM without my reply. Kathy, I am in the same boat right now. My son is also homeless and on drugs. I saw him the other day and he looked awful. I think the advice from everyone here will help get you through. And the advice from COM about how to manage is right on target. I am leaving my sone alone and praying every minute of everyday. Hang in there. Stay strong. There are some wonderful people on here and I have learned so much from them. We are all here for each other.

Hugs,
TE

I guess that is what I need to do. It looks like they are letting him out of jail on Friday and since he has no where to go he has found a guy in jail that he says will let him stay with him. He said he won't be able to stay clean but at least he will have a place to stay. I am going to have to let him go and make some huge mistakes. It is so hard.

 

[Kathyg]

Yep. Exactly why my son does the synthetic crap. Thankfully, I don't think it's all that often. I am worried about what happens when he (finally) gets a job and has money again.

I worry about that to. When he is homeless he seems to leave the drugs alone. Maybe he likes to eat more than drugs.

 

[Kathyg]

I worry about that to. When he is homeless he seems to leave the drugs alone. Maybe he likes to eat more than drugs.

When do you know it is time to let them go? I thought he was doing good and saying the write things and he got up this morning with drug stuff around him. He lives with my ex husband and is going out of town today and put son on train to his grandparents high so who knows if he will even arrive since his cellphone is dead. Will the stress ever end. Does this ever get better?

 

[toughlovin]

It depends on what you mean by does it ever get better? Do you mean does the drug addict every get better, or do you mean that you find ways Occupational Therapist (OT) handle the stress and worry better?

So as far as the drug addict.... it just depends. There is no guaranteed way for them to recover, and in reality you can not do it for them. They have to want to do it themselves.... now there are things that may push their motivation. For my son getting involved in the legal system and spending some time in jail (after also being homeless) has helped. He is currently doing better but it has not been an easy road.... and he is a long way from my feeling any confidence in his recovery.

As far as you.... this is a time to find really good ways to take care of yourself. Find some kind of parent support group....alanon is one but there are others. Find one you like that has other parents in it. Getting real life support has been a life saver for me. Distraction is good... find things you enjoy doing and do them.... even if your heart is not totally in it. I think over time you can find better ways to find good in your life and moments of joy. I do find that in moments of crisis I still have a hard time coping, but my obsession over it is less all consuming and doesnt last as long.

Part of it is coming to some acceptance of it is what it is. You do not have control over his addiction and you will never have control over it. He is the only one that can choose to do things differently, you cant make him or convince him to do this. He will have to face the consequences of his drug use.... and some of those may motivate him to get sober. For my son this has meant some jail time and really wanting to avoid future jail time.... he is not in a program that is court ordered... if he leaves he does jail time. That is a big motivator for him I think.

Hugs - it is hard.

TL


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[Kathyg]

It depends on what you mean by does it ever get better? Do you mean does the drug addict every get better, or do you mean that you find ways Occupational Therapist (OT) handle the stress and worry better?

So as far as the drug addict.... it just depends. There is no guaranteed way for them to recover, and in reality you can not do it for them. They have to want to do it themselves.... now there are things that may push their motivation. For my son getting involved in the legal system and spending some time in jail (after also being homeless) has helped. He is currently doing better but it has not been an easy road.... and he is a long way from my feeling any confidence in his recovery.

As far as you.... this is a time to find really good ways to take care of yourself. Find some kind of parent support group....alanon is one but there are others. Find one you like that has other parents in it. Getting real life support has been a life saver for me. Distraction is good... find things you enjoy doing and do them.... even if your heart is not totally in it. I think over time you can find better ways to find good in your life and moments of joy. I do find that in moments of crisis I still have a hard time coping, but my obsession over it is less all consuming and doesnt last as long.

Part of it is coming to some acceptance of it is what it is. You do not have control over his addiction and you will never have control over it. He is the only one that can choose to do things differently, you cant make him or convince him to do this. He will have to face the consequences of his drug use.... and some of those may motivate him to get sober. For my son this has meant some jail time and really wanting to avoid future jail time.... he is not in a program that is court ordered... if he leaves he does jail time. That is a big motivator for him I think.

Hugs - it is hard.

TL


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Thank you. I am going on vacation next week and I am going to have fun if it kills me.

 

[DammitJanet]

I live in NC and while I dont know the legalities with fake pot, I know about real pot. I was a bit leery when you said he would be in jail for 6 to 9 months. That simply doesnt happen here, not unless he was dealing quite large amounts. I would imagine the penalties for spice are about the same as for pot. If he had under an oz that is basically a ticket.

I dont know if Charlotte has drug courts or not but I havent heard of any in my part of the state. I have seen the jail in Charlotte on TV and it appears to be a decent place. Better than the one in my county. I find it sad that I know which counties have the better jail systems...lol.

I dont know about the courts ordering rehab either. I know in my county we have an IOP program that they can be sent to and they have to be there for the entire day working on counseling, some type of schooling, AA meetings...what else I dont know.

 

[Kathyg]

I live in NC and while I dont know the legalities with fake pot, I know about real pot. I was a bit leery when you said he would be in jail for 6 to 9 months. That simply doesnt happen here, not unless he was dealing quite large amounts. I would imagine the penalties for spice are about the same as for pot. If he had under an oz that is basically a ticket.

I dont know if Charlotte has drug courts or not but I havent heard of any in my part of the state. I have seen the jail in Charlotte on TV and it appears to be a decent place. Better than the one in my county. I find it sad that I know which counties have the better jail systems...lol.

I dont know about the courts ordering rehab either. I know in my county we have an IOP program that they can be sent to and they have to be there for the entire day working on counseling, some type of schooling, AA meetings...what else I dont know.

He got out and they will probably dismissed the charges. He is with grandparents right now but has until the 15th to find a place to live. He doesn't seem to care but I am in a different state of mind now that I can't help him. I have realized that I am addicted to helping him and that is destroying both of us. He is his own pilot of his life from now on. I need to take a step back.

Everyone's help on this thread has got me through to this point and I am greatful.

 

[wakeupcall]

Would you tell me how old your son is? I'm trying very, very, hard to let my son go. It's eating me up thinking he's breaking the law every day...he even may not be doing so, but now I seem to think the worst all the time. My husband (not difficult children father) says he is a MAN, not a boy. Let him be. It's SO hard for me not knowing what's going on. I guess I don't want to be blindsided one day....

 

[Kathyg]

Would you tell me how old your son is? I'm trying very, very, hard to let my son go. It's eating me up thinking he's breaking the law every day...he even may not be doing so, but now I seem to think the worst all the time. My husband (not difficult children father) says he is a MAN, not a boy. Let him be. It's SO hard for me not knowing what's going on. I guess I don't want to be blindsided one day....

He is 19 and I hope he makes 20. We have been through so much that I am just worn down from worry. I keep telling myself that as soon as I let go he will figure it out and come back to me.. I hope things get better for you.

 

[DammitJanet]

I used to think...well we made it to 18...hoping for 21. Then it was...well I wonder if he will make 25. The last year and a half have been tough and we are back to wondering if he will see 30 but now I dont exactly worry so much as dread the thought of what it will do to his kids.

 

[Kathyg]

It has to be hard when kids are involved. But a wonderful lady told me that it is in gods hands and you can't fix this so I keep reminding myself that.

 

[nlj]

Hello Feeling Sad

I have read through your post and can understand the username you have chosen. I know you may feel as if you are the only mother to be going through this dreadful experience, but there will be other mothers on this site who have similar experiences and will be along to offer you empathy and support and advice.

You have added your post on to an old thread, but you can start your own thread and copy all that you have written on to the new thread. That way you will have more responses and they will be specific to your situation.

I am going to contact some staff members now and let them know that you have posted this to an old thread and ask if they can assist you and assist in starting your own thread. The Parent Emeritus forum has many fantastic people and they will all be there for you. Hang in there, lots of members will be along shortly...



Sending hugs