Son is tired of living-going to commit suicide tonight or tomorrow.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Called from the psychiatric hospital.
    Only way that will save him if he can live with me or his dad and he knows that's not going to happen.
    Is tired of the struggle.

    I don't know what to say. He's ready to die. Do I go against my promise to myself that I'd never live with him again? I don't even have anywhere to live=am staying with friends.

    Do I just accept that his life is :censored2: and I have no right to ask him to prolong it?
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Blackgnat, what an awful, horrible thing to hear.

    He called you from the psychiatric hospital? So he is in a safe environment. Have you alerted his care team about his threats?

    My vote is no, you don't allow him to live with you again. You aren't equipped to deal with a son who threatens suicide, and you have nowhere to put him.

    I hate, absolutely HATE, that our own children make these kinds of threats.
  3. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    If you haven't already done so, please call where he is and alert them immediately.
  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    If he's currently at the hospital, notify them immediately of what he plans. Notify the police and EMS as well. You can't let him move back in with you, and i hear an element of blackmail in this: as if he's holding himself hostage, with the ransom being moving back in with you or his father.

    That said, if he truly wants to die, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Eventually he will succeed. You have no control over that. He's an adult and it is his life and is choices. If he makes the choice to end his life...

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I also think your son is a rat-b#stard for doing this to you.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Blackgnat, I'm so sorry, what an awful situation your son has put you in. I can't imagine how this is impacting you.

    I agree with the others, call the police or the hospital. Geez. Try contacting NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have resources for YOU, they can help YOU. Find a way to get yourself support as soon as you can.

    I'm sorry......sending hugs.......
  6. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks all. I did alert the EMS team and they are keeping an eye on him.

    There's definitely an element of manipulation and cruelty-he says he's picked out the tree and has the rope and if he doesn't snap his neck immediately, he feels he now has the balls and the complete desire to stop living , to go ahead with the 15 minutes of pain that it'll take to suffocate. So there's some sadism going on, too.

    He wants his dad or I to scoop him up and live with either of us, but knows that's not going to happen, so has decided that the reasonable solution is to end it. That well-meaning people keep stopping him from doing what he wants and it's his life, so if he wants to end it, they need to back off and let him do it.

    I have long reached that place where if he wants to do it, he will. I have no control over that. I don't know what he expects me to say...
  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Ah...jeeze, blackgnat. He's definitely a sadistic :censored2:, isn't he? He isn't going to snap his neck unless he's done some pretty major mathematical calculations.

    If he's serious about this, it means he's so set on causing you and his father the ultimate pain that he's willing to die to do so.

    He is very, very ill, and yes, it may be terminal. The only option you have is for someone to catch him in the act, and for you and them to have him committed to long term psychiatric care. The odds of committment are slim under today's laws.

    And frankly, if he chooses to die, that's really his right, cruel though it may be to those who have to deal with the aftermath and those who love and care for him that he leaves behind.
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I am so very sorry. You and your son will be on my heart. I promise to pray.
    Please, please stay close to the board.

    May this crisis pass sooner than later.

  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The sad truth is we can't save them. What selfish, cruel, and manipulative behavior on his part. You and his father do not deserve this incredibly devastating form of blackmail. Thank the powers that be that he is already in a mental hospital.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he wanted to kill himself, why tell you so that you can make the necessary calls to stop him?

    Try to find some peace today. I'm no expert but it sounds like a cruel manipulation to me. Big hugs.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Don't know what to say. You are doing all you can do. I don't think YOU can help him anymore than you have and living with you would not be good for you.

    I have been threatened with this also and it's just awful.

    Offering you my support, hugs and prayers.
  12. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    Blackgnat, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I can't add anything additional that hasn't already been suggested. These threats go right to our core. You have done all you can right now. And most definitely, he cannot live with you.

    I'm thinking of you. Sending prayers your way.
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I think REs advice of contacting NAMI to help YOU is wise counsel. He could be playing you, maybe not, but either way, this is crazy stuff.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi BG, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand. I'm glad you alerted the people where he is staying and they are keeping an eye on him.

    My son posted on FB a few days ago that he too was tired of living. He said his cell phone would be cut off because he could not pay the bill (that's what happens when you don't want to work). Yes, it does scare me to hear him talk like that but all I could do was tell him that I'm sorry he's having such a tough time and to hang in there and that I love him. Others also posted to him to hang in there.

    I have been down this road with my son many times where he says he's tired of living and just wants to end it all and yet he always manages to get through it. That is my hope for your son as well that he will get through this.

    There is nothing you can do for him. Even if you did allow him to live with you think about what that would look like. How would it change him? How would it change you?
    I can only speak for myself but I know if I were to let my son live with us he would be nothing but a mooch. I know he would not put forth any effort to get a job. I know he would not help us around the house. All it would do is enable him and make me miserable.

    I love my son just as you do yours and it hurts when they say they just want to end it all. The best thing we can do is to take care of ourselves. Our children have to figure out how to survive on their own.

    Hang in there BG!

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  15. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    It is a tough situation, I am sure. On one hand, of course you are worried about his safety, but giving in to threats sets a very bad precedent. It is emotional extortion, and is a common play in the addict handbook. Most people who genuinely wish to kill themselves do not tell people, as telling people can only lessen the probability of successfully going through with it.

    Unfortunately, a life is at stake. And if there is even a tiny chance that he will go through with it, you must treat it as a certainty. This means calling the police, and alerting whatever treatment he is currently in to the threats.

    Not only would allowing him back into your home this way set a bad precedent, it isn't even the most helpful possibility you have before you. I cannot imagine the position this puts you in, but I have been in your son's position. I have used suicide as a threat, and I have also genuinely attempted suicide. The biggest difference is that I didn't say a word about it to anybody before I actually tried. Afraid they'd try to stop me, as they surely would and should have.

    The best, really the ONLY option is alerting authorities, and having him put immediately under close supervision. He is not going to like you very much for doing that, but an angry son is better than a dead son. I know this must tug at your heart strings, and hurt something fierce, but him ACTUALLY doing it when you could have at least tried to prevent it would hurt many, many times more. While you cannot control his actions, or make his decisions, you can do everything reasonable to make this course of action as difficult for him as you possibly can.
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  16. mcb1964

    mcb1964 New Member

    Just piping in with been there; done that on the suicide threats and also have been on the fence of, "Do I let him so he doesn't suffer any longer or do I intervene?" It's a tough call and sometimes a coin toss. Not proud of that, by the way, but I know how you feel.
  17. Tylersmom1979

    Tylersmom1979 New Member

    Yeah he is manipulating you. They try to get as much control over you as they can. My son is 14 and doesnt like being by himself. I have to work. He is home maybe 3 hours by himself everyday. Sometimes if hes had a bad depressing day he tries to hurt himself and then immediately calls the police because he wants to go back to the hospital. Hes done this at least 5 Times. So i now have two lockboxes. I have no glass in the house. Only plastic dishes and cups. But in the end it will be something else. I now have to prethink about what he could use and get rid of it or lock it up.
  18. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks for all the replies and support-don't know what I'd do without you all on this site.

    Well, he's still alive. In a 48 hour period, he stayed in the pysch ward, got a BAC of 0.0 and had the 5 day Emergency hold released on him. Talked to me very lucidly and somewhat optimistically, the next morning. Wanted to get out of the psychiatric ward and "get on with my life". The one he was so determined to end, when he was full of drugs and booze.

    He also knows that we were a nanosecond away from starting the Involuntary Commitment process, which is apparently quite complex. Our friend who is helping us with this, said this would probably be the last chance we'd ever have to begin it. Difficult Child sometimes thinks IC would be a good solution (he's willing to say he doesn't want help, so they'll commit him, if that makes sense). But this time he told his father, "All I have to do is say I WANT help and then it's a moot point". He said, "This is my life and I don't want anyone telling me how to live it". Where does he get the idea that he has EVER done anything he doesn't want to do? Mind-boggling! His father told him, "No, nobody IS telling you and nobody can stop you from living your life or ending it, so stop waving the threat of suicide in our faces, if that's what you really want to do."

    The dude is a piece of work-a real sociopath, I think. Terrible thing to have to say about your own kid, but all signs point to Yes...

    His case worker told him that there is an apartment available. This time he seems to want to take it.

    But who the heck knows? It's a complete roller coaster. He goes about his merry way and when it gets too much, he drags us in and sweeps around like the Tasmanian Devil and we're left wondering what just happened and is this just another Boy Who Cried Wolf incident?

    I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna learn. I need to keep revisiting my own posts when this happens next time, as I'm sure it will, to remind myself that it could all turn on a dime.

    Again thank you all. I feel like I'm being such a phony, posting in times of crises then giving updates that are telling you all that things are back to normal. HIS "Normal"... Sigh.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Blackgnat, it's the nature of the beast here that there are crisis on top of crisis and then it appears "normal." We all know that.....we've all lived that one here would judge you, just keep posting when you want to, we're here for you......I'm glad he's at least sober and considering taking the apartment......geez, and you and his Dad have been dragged through hell.....that's the part that used to make me crazy, they create the drama, they drop it on us, they get over it, and we're left haggard, drained, scared and sick inside........and they go out to lunch.

    This episode appears to be over, go out there and have some fun, do something very, very kind for yourself......put this all aside and go live your life......sending you a big hug.....
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  20. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    Glad that you had a chance to update us, Blackgnat. I think we've all been to the land of "normal crisis" mode. Good that there is a little more clarity in his thinking - I hope that he can make some solid choices moving forward.

    Hugs to you - you deserve a huge respite from all of this.