Son just contacted me only to asked for help with groceries..what do I say to him?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dollphyn, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    My son just contacted me through facebook and said he needed groceries and asked If I could help him!!! I know enough to know NOT to help him, he is not working and I am pretty sure he has not gone to look for work, just laying around at his friends house..SO, hubs and I have bouced back some ideas on how to respond but I want to make it positive and not hateful...I do not want to sound like a jerk, but yet I want to get a point across BECAUSE I do not want to set a presidence (sp) for future request and him thinking I am going to keep helping him! I thought about answering with something like "No. But I hope a job comes along soon so you do not have this problem again"...or what do you guys think?
     
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I would buy him a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread. And I'd give him a few numbers - AA, missions, soup kitchens, a priest - whatever works for you.

    But that's it.

    But what the heck to I know? I am winging this too...

    {hugs}
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Your son is considerably older than mine and at 28 I might take the same stand or I might not. My feeling with my son is that I would like him to eat and so I was happy to buy him groceries which I did do a couple of times. I did it by taking him shopping and paying for the groceries... it gave me a chance to see him and we actually had fun shopping. It kept the door open and let him know I loved him. However I did not give him money or gift cards since I thought those would probably be used for drugs.... I think that he has reached out to you for help is a good thing...and I don't think there is anything wrong with buying him some groceries... there is also nothing wrong with refusing to do so.

    TL
     
  4. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    Took your advice..I offered him some bread, peanut butter and jelly...he wrote back and said that sounded really good..he said anything would be appreciated...at least he didn't write back and say just give him some money and he would buy it..I feel better now!
     
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have bought groceries for Oldest before. Same drill, just staples. Bread, milk, peanut butter, canned soup, and good old ramen noodles. Just be sure you give food and not cash. Today I bought Oldest a bus pass to help her look for jobs (she's practically unemployed again, working only 10 hours a week, and is on the verge of eviction, again) I have mixed feelings about whether or not I should have done this, but like the food, I think it's more of "helping" vs. "enabling." The chance for abuse is low.
     
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I agree. So long as I am alive, my kids will never go hungry. (But they won't eat LIKE kings.) I would have a hard time turning down ANYONE's request for food to live on...Know what I mean??
    Just 2 weeks ago I sent ds a box of staples, ramen, oatmeal, pb, pancake mix, rice, tortillas, tuna - mostly store brands and no treats.
     
    Lasted edited by : Oct 26, 2011
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I have bought my difficult child groceries. Same - staples - bread, pasta, ramen, etc... but I also gave her the number and addresses to food pantries. Hunger always gets to me - straight to the heart!!! I picked her up for school the other day and she was carrying ramen noodles. I asked what they were for and she said she was hungry. Of course I took her to eat, and felt kind of bad that she had ramen noodles in her hand but then I had to chuckle. husband and I ate a LOT of ramen, hamburger helper, etc when we were starting out and poor. Kind of like a rite of passage....
     
  8. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    At this stage of things, I'd have to say no. He's still all about the manipulation, and punishing me. I hope at some later point things will develop to a point where I feel comfortable providing him with anything. Although, the nonperishable food of his that's already in the house will go along with them when he and his father come to pick up DS's stuff in a couple of weeks. It seems passive-aggressive and churlish to throw it away if I know they're coming.
     
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My difficult child knew he could always come over for a sandwich if he needed to. Honestly he never took advantage of it and was always appreciative. I am another mom who supplied groceries and a list of food pantries and kitchens and the hours they were open. -RM
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We have also given Cory food. For awhile there it sort of felt like Cory shopped at our house...lol. He would drop by to see us and rummage through the fridge, freezer and the pantry before he left...lmbo. If I made a stew or casserole I would always make big enough batch so I could send some over for him. It always seemed I did anyway because I was used to cooking for a family of 3 big guys and us parents! Hard to cut it down at this point. Now though, we seem to not have to do it much. Just yesterday when I was at Cory's and I told him I was going to go to the store for hot dog rolls he reached into his pantry and handed me a package so I didnt have to stop...lol.
     
  11. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    Janet - I pray for that day to happen here...at first I was not going to give him anything and my heart was breaking in a million pieces...especially when he said he understood!! SO after consulting with my newly found friends on this forum, and my hubby, I decided to get him some staples...I have the sack sitting here on the table waiting for him to come by and get it..I hope and pray this visit turns out alright..I just really want to give him a hug...I hurt for that hug so bad.
     
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would have helped too. I have taken difficult child to the grocery store and bought her some groceries. At least I know where the money is going and that she will eat for a while.

    Nancy
     
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    While a 28-year-old man should understand that he has to work if he wants food . . . I understand your mommy heart hurting at the thought of him going hungry.

    I think you did the right thing.

    ~Kathy
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Never give a dime. Peanut butter and bread sounds good. Ramen soup. Maybe have him do some chores at home first. Message: NOTHING IS FREE. IF they are hungry enough, they will do the chores. If not, they aren't that hungry. Also, I like a list of the food pantry and homeless shelters were they service meals.
    Twenty-eight is awfully old. I would limit it.
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know where you live but if you do have pantries that is good. We have one here and you can only go once every 6 months and you get one small plastic sack that is half full of a couple of things. That is one of the reasons we had a very hard time just kicking Cory out and telling him to go to shelters and pantries. We have no shelters and only that one pantry that is pitiful. He wasnt allowed to leave the county much less the state to live. He was basically stuck living here to live until we could work on getting him out.
     
  16. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    I got him a couple of sacks with some items ready for him to come pick up last night. I was actually excited with the thought to get to see him, although hubs told me to not let him in the house, I was going to step outside on the porch and talk to him and I just wanted to hug him. I just want him to know we still love hiim, but we are not going to let him back in our home and we are not going to help him ANYMORE except maybe with a few grocerie items every now and then. He has been staying with a friend across town. He does not have a car anymore, since we took ours back after the incident with him coming home driving it after he had been drinking. Well husband leaves to go to work at 3pm and I sit after he left and just waited for difficult child to call and tell me he was on his way...I never got the call. So I got on facebook and there was a message from him telling me he had no way to get here, his friend and the ride fell through. I am pretty good at reading between the lines with my boy and I think what is already happening is some bridges may be getting burned with his friend that he is staying with. And that is beginning to worry me. I just wrote him back and told him the groceries will still be here when he can get a ride to come pick them up. I have given him names and numbers of shelters downtown, one being a very nice one. If he would only learn how to act and learn people are only going to take so much...what the heck is wrong with him..after ou burn so many bridges you have GOT to have sense enough to know you can not treat people like that..
     
  17. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    You know, some people never learn that. There's no cosmic rule that says that they have to. This is part of the whole process of becoming an independent person, and there's no timetable for that. Please don't let it make you soften your boundaries. This could take a very long time of you holding firm before he starts helping himself, not just a couple of weeks. (Also, his version of "helping himself" and yours may not match. You may not like what his independent life looks like, but it's his and he has to manage it. You can't fix it for him.)
     
  18. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    The want for our "kids" to be accountable can more frustrating and disheartening than just about anything. Steer the outcome, but don't live it for your son.

    Referring back to any earlier post of yours:
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...-cannot-see-any-other-way-i-have-tried-43927/ - you mention about what you taught your son, implying that there was a lot of negative learning. When you have a question about what to do or how to react to a request, ask yourself "what will he learn if I do[fill in the blank]

    I wasn't able to figure out how far from you he lives - is it close enough for him to walk over for the food?(even if it's a long walk).
     
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Did you also direct him to the food stamp office as well as shelters and pantries? Let him apply and get state help finding a job and place to live, they might well have training available, too. Doesn't hurt for him to ask them.
     
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    For me it depends on the kid and the circumstances. For a 28 yr old who is not looking for work and just hanging with friends...........um no. I'd advise him to find a food pantry or soup kitchen or both.

    Katie and M.........if they had no kids? Heck no! Not a chance. But they do have kids. So I have done so once, enough that if they weren't piggie with it, it would last until her foodstamps loaded again. Nothing fancy by any means. Made me mad as all get out too. Someone getting FS for a family of 5 should NOT run out before the end of the month. And I told her so.

    My girls? Yup, wouldn't have an issue with it because they always bust their fannies.

    But I was always taught the need for food and shelter is great motivation to find a job, and to keep it once you get it.
     
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