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Son kicked out of the house and my wife enabling him - What do I do?
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 366399" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>Without actually reading all the other responses...</p><p> </p><p>I am a classic enabler and I know it so I can possibly shed light on your wife's perspective. My difficult child is just 16 but behaves in many of the ways yours does minus the drugs...so far. I don't mean to be sexist but I think moms and dads generally approach things differently. My husband is solution oriented, everything is a do or do not, he wants to fix things and now. I on the other hand am the nurturer, the worrier. He and I both have our own parenting styles that don't always mesh and we both see different potential problems/solutions. I worry about a young man who is depressed and may sink if cut loose one day. husband sees a young man who needs a kick in the rear to get him acting like a real man. We both love our difficult child equally and want to see him do well.</p><p> </p><p>That being said, difficult child's have an uncanny knack for manipulation as well as creative ways to get out of doing the right thing whilst getting plenty of extra perks in life they don't deserve or earn. My difficult child's issues have put a huge dent in my marriage. Aside from the stress of parenting a difficult child there are the constant discussions about him so we never escape it and then just the garden variety tension/bickering from exhaustion of everyday life, stress and disagreeing about parenting. Life is certainly less sunny in general with a difficult child around. It adds up even if you don't sense it.</p><p> </p><p>Your son is an adult now fully capable of making adult decisions, he just seems to be comfotable making bad ones. Maybe if he were less comfortable he would be forced into action? If I were a 20 year old guy I would be very lucky indeed to have a gravy train like you guys provide. Free room and board, lots of chances and allowance to get high. (sorry to put it this way but try to see it from his point of view at his age kids still only care about themselves for the most part) All he has to do is be emotionally abusive and he gets his way, behavior that is reinforced by giving in.</p><p> </p><p>Does your wife know you are ready to jet? Maybe if she knew she would wake up a little. Maybe you could suggest some couples therapy/counseling. With "grown" children it is time for the two of you to find some freedom and some joy as just a pair. Imagine that...coming home to a quiet peaceful house, knowing no one has any drama no walking on eggshells and even walking around nude if you feel like it. That $100 a week could go a long way to a second, third and even fourth honeymoon. This is the time in life that you two earned and deserve. I suggest couples counseling simply because she may be reluctant to go for difficult child coping skills on her own. It sounds like he has her wrapped up in his dysfunction. Maybe you could step up and take control of the house and defend her if she is feeling weak. Sometimes when my husband steps in it is such a relief. I get so used to the grind that I don't know how to tell my difficult child "Mom is off today go ask your Father".</p><p> </p><p>If you love your wife concentrate on her and yourself. There is no reason why your adult difficult child should leave your marriage damaged as soon as his ride ends. The "powder drugs" do lead to theft, even from family. I knew a guy who stole his deceased fathers tools after they were given to his disabled (in a wheelchair with no use of any of his limbs) brother just to get high. How sick is that? You could be dealing with an addict now, that is a whole new ball game. You won't "see" your real son again until he is clean and sober. It hoovers but it is what it is. You can offer all the support and resources in the world. Unless your difficult child decides he wants help and he wants to get well he won't. Going through the motions to get you guys off his back will never last. He has everything he wants right now and no motivation to change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 366399, member: 8617"] Without actually reading all the other responses... I am a classic enabler and I know it so I can possibly shed light on your wife's perspective. My difficult child is just 16 but behaves in many of the ways yours does minus the drugs...so far. I don't mean to be sexist but I think moms and dads generally approach things differently. My husband is solution oriented, everything is a do or do not, he wants to fix things and now. I on the other hand am the nurturer, the worrier. He and I both have our own parenting styles that don't always mesh and we both see different potential problems/solutions. I worry about a young man who is depressed and may sink if cut loose one day. husband sees a young man who needs a kick in the rear to get him acting like a real man. We both love our difficult child equally and want to see him do well. That being said, difficult child's have an uncanny knack for manipulation as well as creative ways to get out of doing the right thing whilst getting plenty of extra perks in life they don't deserve or earn. My difficult child's issues have put a huge dent in my marriage. Aside from the stress of parenting a difficult child there are the constant discussions about him so we never escape it and then just the garden variety tension/bickering from exhaustion of everyday life, stress and disagreeing about parenting. Life is certainly less sunny in general with a difficult child around. It adds up even if you don't sense it. Your son is an adult now fully capable of making adult decisions, he just seems to be comfotable making bad ones. Maybe if he were less comfortable he would be forced into action? If I were a 20 year old guy I would be very lucky indeed to have a gravy train like you guys provide. Free room and board, lots of chances and allowance to get high. (sorry to put it this way but try to see it from his point of view at his age kids still only care about themselves for the most part) All he has to do is be emotionally abusive and he gets his way, behavior that is reinforced by giving in. Does your wife know you are ready to jet? Maybe if she knew she would wake up a little. Maybe you could suggest some couples therapy/counseling. With "grown" children it is time for the two of you to find some freedom and some joy as just a pair. Imagine that...coming home to a quiet peaceful house, knowing no one has any drama no walking on eggshells and even walking around nude if you feel like it. That $100 a week could go a long way to a second, third and even fourth honeymoon. This is the time in life that you two earned and deserve. I suggest couples counseling simply because she may be reluctant to go for difficult child coping skills on her own. It sounds like he has her wrapped up in his dysfunction. Maybe you could step up and take control of the house and defend her if she is feeling weak. Sometimes when my husband steps in it is such a relief. I get so used to the grind that I don't know how to tell my difficult child "Mom is off today go ask your Father". If you love your wife concentrate on her and yourself. There is no reason why your adult difficult child should leave your marriage damaged as soon as his ride ends. The "powder drugs" do lead to theft, even from family. I knew a guy who stole his deceased fathers tools after they were given to his disabled (in a wheelchair with no use of any of his limbs) brother just to get high. How sick is that? You could be dealing with an addict now, that is a whole new ball game. You won't "see" your real son again until he is clean and sober. It hoovers but it is what it is. You can offer all the support and resources in the world. Unless your difficult child decides he wants help and he wants to get well he won't. Going through the motions to get you guys off his back will never last. He has everything he wants right now and no motivation to change. [/QUOTE]
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