Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
son laying guilt - he's great at it!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 679463" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>"Watch what I do, not w hat I say."</p><p></p><p>First of all, if he would even finish college, which requires lots of hard work and he'd have to cut out the substance abuse, does not mean, even if by some miracle he finished, that he'd have the drive to succeed. All my adult kids work (my one daughter worked until she gave birth and now her partner works while she is an awesome mom). Only two went to any sort of college, but they are ALL working and doing well. My oldest son makes as college salary, but did not go to college.</p><p></p><p>A college degree means less now than it used to, although certainly it CAN open doors. But the person's will to work hard and often start at the bottom is key, college or not. You know your son best/ Does he have t he drive and will to finish college? If so, why can't he rent a room or find a cheap place to stay where you don't have to go broke paying his rent? Not saying everyone is like us, but we never paid rent at any time...our kids bought their own older cars and found their own places to stay. I feel it really helped their work ethic and did not cause them a sense of entitlement. We couldn't afford to give them a cushy adult life...THEY knew it and THEY had to do it, even my difficult kids. And they all managed cars, including their part of the insurance, and the college two went to community colleges for real careers and finished and paid by working a nd getting grants.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult adult children often say exactly what they know we want to hear to get money from us...a free ride, so to speak. Are you s ure your son would not party and get thrown out of a rental you were on the hook for? Is he responsible enough to be a good tenant? Will he work and help you pay? Does he have a clue WHY he wants to gp tp college and what he wants to go into? These are important questions to ask yourself before you make an emotional, costly decision to just trust him because he said what you hoped to hear. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Is he sober yet? I'd make him get sober before we even discussed college or renting anything for him and, if you do rent, I'd make him pay half of it by getting a part time job. After all, he is not going to school full time. He can do it. My kids did and they are probably no brighter than him....both struggled but wanted it enough to do it. (Well, one isn't finished yet, but is well on her way to a degree in Criminal Justice). She works at a nursing home to get money when she needs it and a nursing home is NOT fun, but she does what she has to in order to have enough spare money.</p><p></p><p>Don't do anything now. Take a week or two to think about it and to talk to your husband. Do not take words to be facts. Hasty decisions get us into trouble. We want it so much that we believe it. Usually time to detach and reflect gives us a better idea of what to do realistically and how much the adult child has to do to help his own cause. Throwing money at an adult child never helped any adult child get his life together. Hard work has though.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart. Do not answer him yet. Say "I need time." If he gets abusive, well, he hasn't changed one bit. Talking about college isn't good or bad. It's another manipulation probably. If we talk about making a million dollars it means nothing. It is only words. What is he doing to show he is interested in learning?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 679463, member: 1550"] "Watch what I do, not w hat I say." First of all, if he would even finish college, which requires lots of hard work and he'd have to cut out the substance abuse, does not mean, even if by some miracle he finished, that he'd have the drive to succeed. All my adult kids work (my one daughter worked until she gave birth and now her partner works while she is an awesome mom). Only two went to any sort of college, but they are ALL working and doing well. My oldest son makes as college salary, but did not go to college. A college degree means less now than it used to, although certainly it CAN open doors. But the person's will to work hard and often start at the bottom is key, college or not. You know your son best/ Does he have t he drive and will to finish college? If so, why can't he rent a room or find a cheap place to stay where you don't have to go broke paying his rent? Not saying everyone is like us, but we never paid rent at any time...our kids bought their own older cars and found their own places to stay. I feel it really helped their work ethic and did not cause them a sense of entitlement. We couldn't afford to give them a cushy adult life...THEY knew it and THEY had to do it, even my difficult kids. And they all managed cars, including their part of the insurance, and the college two went to community colleges for real careers and finished and paid by working a nd getting grants. Our difficult adult children often say exactly what they know we want to hear to get money from us...a free ride, so to speak. Are you s ure your son would not party and get thrown out of a rental you were on the hook for? Is he responsible enough to be a good tenant? Will he work and help you pay? Does he have a clue WHY he wants to gp tp college and what he wants to go into? These are important questions to ask yourself before you make an emotional, costly decision to just trust him because he said what you hoped to hear. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Is he sober yet? I'd make him get sober before we even discussed college or renting anything for him and, if you do rent, I'd make him pay half of it by getting a part time job. After all, he is not going to school full time. He can do it. My kids did and they are probably no brighter than him....both struggled but wanted it enough to do it. (Well, one isn't finished yet, but is well on her way to a degree in Criminal Justice). She works at a nursing home to get money when she needs it and a nursing home is NOT fun, but she does what she has to in order to have enough spare money. Don't do anything now. Take a week or two to think about it and to talk to your husband. Do not take words to be facts. Hasty decisions get us into trouble. We want it so much that we believe it. Usually time to detach and reflect gives us a better idea of what to do realistically and how much the adult child has to do to help his own cause. Throwing money at an adult child never helped any adult child get his life together. Hard work has though. Hugs for your hurting heart. Do not answer him yet. Say "I need time." If he gets abusive, well, he hasn't changed one bit. Talking about college isn't good or bad. It's another manipulation probably. If we talk about making a million dollars it means nothing. It is only words. What is he doing to show he is interested in learning? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
son laying guilt - he's great at it!
Top