Son packing his things now

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 4myson, Nov 3, 2011.

  1. 4myson

    4myson New Member

    We have just given our son the boot. He must be out today, phone turned off tomorrow. I am so sick of this. This it it, we had taken him back before, but not again. He will be dropping out of college, which is the worst part for me. I was hoping that if he atleast had an education he could get by. His new school seemed postive and he was doing good, but he can not live here and be disrespectful and come and go as he wishes. We know he comes home high when out all night with his freinds. Not sure if I make sence, There is so much going on and I haven't slept in days. He told my husband FU this morning and that was the end of it. Please G-D help us, I am so lost now and know my son is even more lost.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) will get through this and you are doing the best thing by not enabling him.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Substance abuse and disrespect are good reasons to not allow him to live with you. His entitlement issues just make it that much worse. I am sorry you are suffering but you did the right thing in both setting and maintaining boundries. It is hard not knowing where they are or how they are doing but sadly they put us in this predicament of no more choices but putting them out. -RM
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hey there. I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your shoes, my son moved out at the end of August. Similar situation - heavy pot use, alcohol use, was attending college primarily to party and he moved out when we decided we would no longer finance his school (ie: partying) lifestyle. He too said horrible things to H and me as parting shots. 2 months later and they still hurt. He is back at school -- supposedly paying his own tuition and going to class and supporting himself with a min wage job. I don't buy it for a second, but it's not my problem.

    Please try to get some sleep. My husband finally took me by the hand, gave me a tylenol pm, turned down the bed and said "go to sleep". I can't say the the sleep necessarily helped, but at least it turned off my mind for the 10 hours I was out.

    Please try to stay busy. I used my difficult child's former allowance to pay for manicures and shoes. A little retail therapy never hurt anyone especially if you use the $ your were spending on your son.

    I wish I could tell you things are better now. But my difficult child is stubborn - true of most young men. While I know we did the right things - AS DID YOU - I was caught off guard by how long he has managed to stay away. Things have very slightly thawed between us - but only VERY slightly and only because I have pursued communication with him. There is no easy reconciliation and please realize that it's unlikely that he will come to his senses soon. And resist the urge to get him back at any cost - it will backfire on both of you.

    This board has been my lifeline and has kept my sanity in check. Sometimes only barely in check. So when your mind is going around and around in circles - visit us here. Write it out - read the responses and some of the fog will clear. Not all of it, but some of it. Most importantly, you will know that YOU are not crazy. At least for me, my mind kept going in circles and circles and I second guessed every single thing I did over his lifetime - especially the events immediately leading up to his departure. And I started blaming myself. Lucky for me, the wonderful parents on this board snapped me out of it!

    DO NOT BUY INTO THE SELF BLAME. On this board, I learned that by pacifying him/placating the situation, I handed him the control. A light bulb went off - AHA! You cannot change him. He has to change himself. As tempting as it may be to take it all back and look the other way - that won't change his behavior. He'd just be doing it all with your unspoken approval and your funds. My h reminded me of that more than once. If we'd looked the other way and paid his tuition - he'd likely be partying more not less. And the worry would still be there. Nothing would change except the balance in our bank account.

    You are not lost. You just feel lost because your world is upside down. It will get better. Your heart will ache, but it will get less acute. One day you will realize that you didn't cry yesterday. And then the day will be a week without tears (still waiting for that) but it WILL happen. It's a horrible thiing to get used to - but you will. Life will go on...and we are here to extend a hand and a hug when you need it.

    Take good care of yourself - pm me anytime. {{{HUGS}}}
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get through this.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry. I've done this 3 times with-my daughter and she has my 2-year-old granddaughter. I know how hard it is. Try to focus on yourself and do things you enjoy. Keep as busy as possible, exercise, eat well, have a drink. You will feel better, but it takes time. I'm sending positive energy your way!
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thinking of you and sending warm thoughs your way...

  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I too totally understand where you are. It is heartbreaking to watch them behave this way, ways we did not bring them up to behave. As bad as it feels you are doing the right thing....He needs to find out where his choices will lead him and sometimes that means being out in the cold, or getting in trouble, or whatever. He is not making good choices and he needs to find out the consequences of those without you protecting him from them. I think it is so hard to let that happen and to watch the process. Yet it is the best thing you can do for your son. Take this tie to do some nice things for yourself... focus on you as much as you can. If you can get to an alanon meeting, especially one for parents. That has been a lifesaver for me.

  9. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Sending you lots of support. You're doing what needs to be done.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there... echoing what others have said, you're doing the right thing. Hugs.
  11. 4myson

    4myson New Member

    Thank you to those who responded, I can't tell you how much I need your support right now. The 3 grandparents are not supporting us. They don't believe in tough love. They have been in contact with him and my mother in law had him over and fed him. ( I think she may have given him money), We told them they are not allowed to. I know he is living with a friend (who used to live with us, so he won't kick him out). WE let him come home to get some stuff he did need, but did not say a word to us. I gave him a list of his doctors and told him he is now responsable to make these calls and appointments. We know he is in trouble with the law,when they called looking for him the am before we kicked him out, my husband went to the local police, but they can't tell us anything since he is over 18. We have to wait to see if anything comes in the mail or go to the court house. I was told that if they recommend jail for us to recommend court ordered rehab. Anyway, I am so glad I found this site, I am still trying to figure out how to use it. I do feel lost and alone,( even though my husband is on the same page,) I feel so depressed and know I need help. Thanks again!
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thanks for the update. Sorry your family does not see that you are doing the best thing possible. Keep coming over for a vent and hug!
  13. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I'm so sorry. It's really frustrating that your family is not on board. You can't force them to "get" it, though. (But I'm sure the "he's our graaaaandbaby - we can't just abaaaaandon him" routine is beyond infuriating, especially when you can so clearly see that it's just hindering him, not helping him.)