Son says he's miserable

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Apr 19, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    When we did the intervention on my son, the interventionalist told him rehab for 30 days, he said you never tell anyone longer than that during an intervention or they won't go to rehab. Our plan has been for him to stay much longer and even do sober living. He is at a rehab in the middle of the desert so he can't walk off and he's very far from home so no one could go get him, a plane ticket is very expensive. May 2nd will be 30 days and he is already messaging me that he is miserable and ready to leave. He hasn't ask to leave now but is asking if I have his plane ticket to leave on May 2nd. I definitely don't think 30 days plus 10 days of detox is long enough to stay clean from heroin. He would be coming back to his girlfriend who I'm certain is still using and back to the exact same environment. He pretty much already hates me and blames me for everything bad in his life including his drug use. My question is do you guys think I should refuse to get him a plane ticket after the 30 days and make him stay longer? My prayer was that he would want to stay longer once he got there but looks like that's not going to happen. I know he will despise me even more if I do that but I'm more concerned about keeping him alive. What would you guys do??
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I haven't walked in your shoes, so I can't really say.

    But:
    Red flag. He has gone to rehab, but he isn't "rehabilitated". He's just waiting to get out and come back and start over.

    Starting over isn't an option - because, for a minimum, you have changed in this process, whether he has or not.

    He needs to work with the REHAB on figuring out what the next step should be, and how to get there. It's not about you buying a plane ticket to "rescue" him from rehab.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can't help you about the plane. We were fortunate enough that daughter quit on her own so no experience. The thing I know almost for sure is that he isn't really clean, even if he is...he isn't clean I his mind.

    If he really wants to stop the drug life, he would have a new perspective on and a disdain for his heroin addict girlfriends drug life. As long as he still plans on.hanging with a heroin addict, and sees her associates, his chances of staying sober are very slim.

    Sobriety is a total change if mindset, priority and lifestyle. My daughter spent many lonely months without friends as she worked and grew up, preferring loneliness to drugs.

    I wish I could offer a different perspective and hope your son does not go home this early. He's barely scratched the surface.

    Take care of YOU. Your sons life is his choice, and you have no control over anyone but yourself.
     
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Me neither, can't say.
    When you say "our plan" was that his plan too? I can understand why you would set out to plan for his sobriety. Lord knows I want the same for my two. But, WSM, they have to want it too. I hope he will change his mind, but it does seem that a lot hinges on his girlfriend for him.
    I don't know what to think about this. It is kind of tail turning for a drug addict to be manipulated by someone else.........so his 30 days are almost up and he is counting down to come home. Maybe you should ask the interventionist to talk with your son, it was his idea to tell him 30 days in the first place.........
    Again, I could see where the hope would be that he goes through detox into rehab and wants to be clean, so he stays and buys into the plan. But, HE has to buy into the plan. I wish that we could get our d cs to see the light by desperately wanting them to. Then all of this would be an easy fix. Unfortunately, they have free will, and free choice. Ouch WSM. I hope something happens between now and May 2nd to change his mind.
    I get red flags too. It seems it would have been much smoother if the girl went with her family, got clean herself. But this hasn't happened.......
    Did you say in the beginning you would bring him home after 30 days? This is where it gets kind of muddy for me. It's because our word, is our word. If there were promises made, I don't know. It is a sticky situation if he only agreed to be there for 30 days and thought he was coming home. Then, will his father end up caving and buying the ticket? You do not have much control here, as your son is adult aged. I don't think rehab can hold him against his will?
    WSM, you took the big step, did an intervention and tried to get help for your son. Ultimately, sobriety has to be his choice. I hope this is what he chooses, but whether it is or not, you have the rest of your life to live. Our lives cannot depend on the choices of our kids. I know it really hurts to see your son in the shape he was in. I have to see my Rain, much the same, homeless, on meth, hanging around meth users. It is very sad. I cannot make her see her own value, and how much she has to live for. I can only try to show her by living my life to the fullest. I m sorry WSM, for the pain of all of this. It is so very frustrating and heartbreaking. I am praying your son will have a change of mind. Until then you have some time to work on you. To think about what the rest of your life looks like.
    My two are the same. It is because I am the "tough" one. It is the drugs talking. Until they are ready to look in the mirror and take responsibility for their own choices, I expect to be hearing more of the same malarky.
    It is bull:poop:.

    Did I make mistakes parenting, heck yah, I am human.
    So are you.
    It is not your fault that your son made bad choices. Do not let him put that on you.

    I am sorry that I do not have answers for you, WSM. This is a very tough spot.
    Prayers going up that your son gives it another chance and wants to stay and go to sober living.
    The only thing you can do is take it one day at a time and work on building yourself up.
    The only person you have control over is yourself.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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    Last edited: Apr 19, 2016
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am angry at your interventionist. I watch the show intervention. Ok, its a show, but its a reality show. The interventionist on the show NEVER lies. He/she always tells the person exactly where they are going and for how long. I think lying at the beginning is a set up for failure and for hearing...again..."this is YOUR fault."
    Since it was interventionist's bright idea to lie, and since he should know how to handle addicts, I agree with sending HIM to talk to your son. To me, this was a grave error. People need the truth to make informed decisions and your son had a right to know the truth even if he refused to go. Now its a mess...one you paid for by somebody who is supposed to do what's best and to guide you for the maximum greatest result possible.
    This is on the interventionist, not you. I have no idea what I'd do in your situation, but you are in my heart tonight. So is your son. I wish I had wise words.
     
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  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    My son has been in several rehabs. The first time, we let him come home. He relapsed the next day.

    The second time, he went straight to a structured sober living place. He stayed there 9 months and then went to a less structured place. That was 3 years ago, and he has grown up somewhat. He's had a couple of relapses and exacerbation of his depression and anxiety, but he's doing better today.

    I would not help him come home, hard as that may be. You are absolutely right to think of it in terms of saving his life, because heroin is a deadly habit. He could overdose, destroy his liver from hepatitis C, damage his heart with endocarditis. I think that in this case, the end justifies the means.

    On the other hand, addicts can be amazingly resourceful, and if he really wants to leave, he might just find a way without your help.
     
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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    But if he does... it is on him, not on anyone else.
     
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't agree with your interventionist. When we held our intervention, the interventionist made it very clear that it would be a 3 month program followed by aftercare which included IOP and living in a halfway house.

    That said, I personally would tell your son that you are going to follow the advice of the experts at his facility as to when he should leave. Put it back on him and his progress (or lack thereof) and let him blame the therapists that he is working with if they tell him that he is not ready to return home.

    I would also make it very clear that when he returns home it will not be under the same circumstances. He is an adult and needs to live a clean, sober life and function like an adult. It is not up to you to support an adult.

    As hard as it is going to be, you need to step back and remove yourself from the situation.

    ~Kathy
     
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  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One more thing . . . our interventionist said it takes a month to completely clean the drugs out of their systems and it is only then that they are clear-headed enough that they can truly start to work on recovery. She said that is why 30-day programs hardly ever work. It is just not enough time to make real changes. Particularly if the 30-day program is not followed up by an Intensive Outpatient program and a structured halfway house.
     
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  10. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Yes the interventionalist told him 30 days but it was kind of a last resort. He is suppose to be going to see my son this week and discuss staying longer, he was suppose to go last week but didn't make it, we will see. He is basically telling me who cares if he's mad , don't get him a plane ticket or you will be signing his death certificate. I really don't want to betray him like that but I may have no choice.
    He doesn't seem to be learning very much, he is so angry. I know a lot of the anger has to do with the girlfriend. She manipulates him. He denies she has a drug problem. She is accusing him of abandoning her. I know that 30 days is not long enough. My son continues to tell lies, he tells his counselor at rehab really big lies, he acts like an entitled spoiled brat. He acts crazy, I don't know if he does that to try to get his way or if he has done permanent damage to his brain with all the drugs.
    Thanks for all the responses, I'll keep you posted
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son always made things seem worse than they were then after he'd come home he'd say things about the food being good etc. which when he was in there he made everything sound HORRIBLE. They do that to get to you. He's not living at home now due to drug abuse and probably never will be.

    My son was not on heroin but I can tell you for sure if he was there is no way in hell I'd make it easy for him to leave or assist that in any way. Over my dead body!

    Stay strong.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They dont think right for a long time after the drugs are out are out of their brains.

    The girlfriend is bad news and he must know it. He needs to detox long enough to realize he will not stay clean around her. Or anyone who uses drugs. If he goes back to her, he hadnt learned squat.
     
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are worried about betraying him? You would be saving him. Not to mention that he has betrayed you by letting you work to support him while he is lying to you about his drug use.

    I found this in one of your old posts:
    You don't owe him anything! He is 22-years-old and living with his druggie girlfriend and you are enabling him by supporting him.

    I know this sounds harsh but I know what I am talking about because I was once where you are now. I thought I had to find the way to fix my daughter and I finally learned that I had to get out of the way so she could fix herself even if it made her hate me.

    You have given your son a tremendous gift of a treatment program and a chance for recovery. Now, you need to leave it up to his therapists and interventionist. When my daughter would tell me how unhappy she was or tell me stories (untrue) about the rehab center, her therapist would always tell me to turn it back on her. The therapist said to direct my daughter back to her therapist or sponsor when she needed emotional support or had complaints/problems.

    Have you read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie? It is a great book to help you learn that you are enmeshed in your adult child's life and how to unentangle yourself. Another book that was very helpful for me was Don't Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin. It was written for parents of adult children with substance abuse issues.

    ~Kathy
     
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    Last edited: Apr 20, 2016
  14. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi Worried Sick, I have a son who too is addicted to heroin. He has been clean and living in a men's home now for over 7 months. This has been his choice. He could leave any time he wants. The point I'm trying to make to you is that, when one chooses to stay in rehab because they know it's what they need, then one is truly healing. Your son is just doing his time and waiting for you to rescue him. Trust me, we did the same at first, big mistake on us. The next time we learned and told him, he has to figure it out himself. There is no coming back to old friends, mom and dad, etc. I know it sounds harsh and I love my son beyond words but it's all part of his growth. He needs to be sober much longer than 30 days and he has to make a plan for his life. This should not include going back to his girlfriend who uses drugs still. I would write him a letter and tell him you love him and support his sobriety. However, you should encourage him to stay and heal longer and make a plan for his new sober life. He needs to change from within and be ok. My son doesn't love where he's at, but he does know that it's helping him. My son loves us and thanks us for all we've done. When they heal from within, they see things so different, your son will too.
     
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