Son says "You are dead to me".....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Photo107, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. Photo107

    Photo107 New Member's the long and short of it....I have always been close to my sons...their mom and I have been divorced for many years, yet, I have always maintained a close relationship with both of my sons over the past 15 years. They now are 20, living on his own, and 18, a high school senior....the 18 year old, no problems at all....the 20 year old, is the one I have problems with. He has always been the "manipulator".....he is a "dreamer"....always talking about doing this, or doing that, but never following thru....he has had about 5-6 different jobs in the past always excited when he starts, but then with time....something about it causes him to quit....and now has developed a pattern of whenever things get a little "tough"....or things don't go his way....he quits....he has had problems being financially responsible...but makes unwise decisions with his money, then expects his mom and stepdad to "bail him out"....which they usually do....but now they have gotten to the point where they too have said "enough is enough".....

    Three months ago, he joined a band......he started talking about them "going on tour" to L.A., making a music video, etc....(they have a "manager" that has never managed a band before and has zero experience) so I questioned this, since they have not even played a gig here in Iowa yet......not one!......and after was "I'm tired of you stepping on my dreams"....etc....which, once again, I've always supported his ideas, gave him advice, and it was up to him whether he accepted it or not.....this was then followed with those dreadful words we never as a parent want to hear "You are dead to me"..."You will never hear from me or see me ever again"....and I haven't....he refuses to answer texts, emails...nothing...he lives 3 hours away from does the other son...who still stays in contact with me all the time......the 20 year old talks to his mom all the time....but he refuses to talk to me.....his mother is of little help....she says it's between him and me......

    As I's starting to hurt, because we have always been close.....just wondering if any of you have had similar situations...what you did...and how did it turn out?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, a child we adopted at age six walked away from us and we haven't heard from him in ages and probably never will. Your situation is different, but this is how I see it.

    You did not mention drugs, but I think this kid taking drugs, whether he hides it well or not. That makes them lazy, unambitious and nasty. But there is obviously more to this story: You cut off his money, which was the right decision to make in my opinion. I wouldn't pay my grown kid to act like a child who has no real ambition and wants me to pay all his bills. But mom and stepdad want to be popular with him so they do pay. So...he cuts you out because you are taking the hard stand with him. He probably doesn't respect his mother and stepdad anymore than you, in fact he probably sees them as fools, but he isn't going to cut them off while the money is flowing. by the way, hope you're not paying for his cell phone, car insurance, etc. If so, my suggestion is to cut that off since he is disrespecting you and doing absolutely nothing about growing up. Let mom/stepdad to pay EVERYTHING. If he wn't answer your calls or texts, make h im find another way to fund his cell phone. He MUST continue to at least respect you and not think of you as a pushover, like mom/stepdad. He needs at least one strong parent.

    I hope you stand strong. He isn't making mature decisions and probably is doing drugs. Eventually his mom and stepdad will get tired of footing his bills, then he'll disown them too.

    Hang in there.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gee there has been a rash of members whose young adult children are refusing to have any contact with them for some very strange reasons. I just don't get it. It doesn't seem like any of these members are unreasonable so what is it with our young people? I wish we could get them all in a room and listen to their list of complaints against their parents who did their best to raise them.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have not had the "exact" circumstances but I have been close.....over a year of no contact from an adult who was my "pea in the pod". There was alot of emotional pain so I can relate. My advice (for what it is worth) is to pretend that everything is normal. Yeah, I know it isn't "normal" but I would not give him the satisfaction of "feeling your pain". If I were you I would not address your pain with any other family member. I would simply respond IF the subject comes up with something generic like "it's difficult right now for Johnny but, of course, I love him and wish him well." If I were you I would not keep trying to contact him. I absolutely would not let anyone know that it was painful for me.

    Then...I would hope that eventually he would "man up" and make contact with his Dad because he knows you love him. End of advice. BUT, lol, sending caring support to you. It's "kinda" like pursuing a sweet young thing when you are a young man...the more you push the less likely you are to get a date. Hugs DDD
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    While they may speak English, they think - it seems - in Martian. We don't speak the language of their brains. What your son is thinking right now and, unfortunately for you, verbalizing, is crazytalk. He may not be thinking it five minutes from now, but you aren't likely to recover fromt the sting of his words so quickly. Just know that he does not mean what he is saying...even if he meant it in the seconds it took him to utter the words.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang on tight and know that your years of closeness can't be erased what his probably a temporary alien brain.

  6. Photo107

    Photo107 New Member

    Hi folks......thank you very much for some very common sense, good and practical advice....I have, for the past 3 months, "given him his space"....I have let him know when I am going to be in town, and told him he is welcome to join myself and his brother, when going out to eat, etc....and have not pushed it beyond that.....I have written to him previously, and told him that I forgave him for what he said to me, so I can release that, and the ball, basically is in his court so to speak.....I doubt very highly that drugs are involved, since he grew up in a good home, etc....but then again, I would not rule it out either....the last time I visited his apt....there were a few beer cans strewn around from him having some friends over (even though he is not of legal drinking age...he's almost there at age of 20).....but I think back to when I was his age, and I was basically doing the same I can't point the finger....can any of us?.......I basically have done most of what you all are saying....trusting that God will watch over him.....and asking God for the grace and patience to get thru this.......I do not pay any of his bills.....his mom and stepdad do that.....I used to help in out when he truly was in a bind.....but many times told him, you got yourself into the situation.....time for you to put your big boy pants on and figure a way out.....and he usually does when he is faced with that.....I think he's just trying to find his way.....I know that he probably didn't actually mean what he said to me....although it doesn't make the "sting" of what he said feel any better.......I have said for years, that I think that with teenage and young adult boys....that they get this little plastic thing called a license at the age of 16....they put it in their wallet....put that wallet in their back pocket of their pants....and somehow that little piece of plastic has an uncanny way of sucking their brains into their ass!.........

    Thanks again for the great's good to know that I am not the only person that has, or will go thru this!
  7. Marys5452

    Marys5452 New Member

    To DDD: I appreciated your post about not contacting our difficult child's. Right now I am struggling with that. I am the one who posted the idea of paying my difficult child to stay in touch and no one thought it was a good idea. I appreciate knowing that since sometimes I may not be thinking straight so thank you to everyone who responded. It has been one week (I know that is a short time for some of you who have gone months) since we talked. Before, I would call or text 3 or 4 times over the course of as many days and get no call back from her unless she needed money for her medications. I appreciated your advice to not let anyone know how painful this is. I have debated saying something to my difficult child but I have already expressed my frustration over this to her and she always says "I'm sorry. I'll try and do better", but nothing changes. So I am doing my best to hang in there. When she finally does call (money for medications) I am trying to sort out my response. Should I be cheery and upbeat and try to carry on a conversation? In short, pretend everything is normal. It is hard because she is not doing anything so when I ask about her life she has nothing to report. Should I be matter of fact and cut the conversation short since we don't talk about anything anyway? The way I feel now, I may not take the call but let it go to voicemail. Then she will leave her message about how much she needs. I have thought of just replying with a brief text.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Photo, I too am sorry you have to deal with your sons actions, but you are doing a good job of handling it and recognizing his youthful poor impulse control. Hang in there, it will get better when he grows up a little. You're his Dad, he'll come around.

    Mary, you might want to start your own thread, your response may get lost within this post. You're doing well with your detachment. My vote would be to let it go to voice mail and then text her. Hearing her voice and the inevitable manipulations will be difficult to listen to and to respond to in a healthy manner. Good job. (((HUGS))))