son smoking pot

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Wren, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. Wren

    Wren New Member

    Our son came home from 1st year of college smoking pot. We confronted him, expressed our concern but he continues to smoke. We went on a family vacation and initially our son wanted to go, but changed his mind and didn't want to be there. His behavior/attitude was passive aggressive, acting like a spoiled child. We ended up sending him home on the train early because we didn't want to be around his negative behavior anymore. That's what he wanted. His behavior at home has been avoidance of us, speaking only when spoken to, almost like he doesn't like us and doesn't want to be here. We told him that if he has money to buy pot than he has money to buy gas. We are thinking about telling him next summer that if he's still smoking pot then he ha t find somewhere else to live. That's hard to do, but I don't want to have a repeat of this summer and don't want to support his pot habit. Your thoughts? I am new new this website an this my first post.
  2. Wren

    Wren New Member

    Thank you.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome! I am sorry that you had to find us. I do not know if you are in a state where pot is legal, and I do not know how old your son is. I am thinking between 18-and 22. He is of legal age to not live at home. It is a difficult decision to make. What are your feelings on drug use? Are you ok with him getting high and coming home in that condition? Who pays his sell phone, car payments/ins? Do you give him spending money? Does he help with chores? Is he bringing people into your home that you do not want to have in your home? Does he work? Did he pass his classes? Do you pay his tuition? You have to decide what you can and can not live with. If you are paying for the above, I would consider which things you are comfortable cutting off for noncompliance.

    I will suggest that you read through other posts in this forum. There are links in Parent emeritus on detachment and I believe on codependence. I would also suggest finding an ALANON meeting. will your son consider counseling and/or therapy? Stick around others will come along who are at varying places on this journey.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Wren, and welcome to this forum.

    My son also started with alcohol and then pot. I know there are a lot of points of view about pot, but my view is that it's just not a good idea.

    Especially for people like my son, who have addiction in their families and evidently (by his subsequent behavior) proved to have the addictive gene in full bloom.

    I think one thing about pot smoking is this: It's not just the pot. It's the behavior that often seems to come right alongside it, the lack of motivation, the lack of congeniality with others, etc.

    It's as much, for me, about the behavior as it is about the illegal substance my son was smoking.

    My son lived here with me when I found out about the pot. I told him, no way, not happening here. If you do it, you are out.

    Ultimately, that's not what ushered him out the door---his out of control behavior with alcohol plus his blatant tearing up of yet another contract that I wrote and asked him to sign right in front of me---that is what led to my saying: You can't live here anymore.

    He walked off down the street, and I thought I would die.

    But I didn't and he didn't. My son's story isn't your son's story. But one thing I learned (finally) is to keep it simple, set clear guidelines for behavior in my home and stick to it. Don't make it real complicated for you or for him. You can do that later.

    I am sorry for your confusion and your pain. It's really hard when this kind of stuff starts happening. My son went downhill fast and it turned out he was dealing with things much more serious than pot.

    I hope that doesn't happen for you.

    You can't control him, as I am sure you are learning. What you can control is what you allow in your home.

    My son was very hard to be around for a long, long time. Finally, today, things are much better, and he is rebuilding his life. It's been a long six years.

    We're here for you, to support you in whatever you decide to do, and to offer options and ideas. Keep posting. We get it, and we care.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Wren and welcome. I couldn't agree with childofmine more. That was exactly our situation. Our daughter started with alcohol and moved on to pot. It was not just the pot smoking, it was her behavior towards us and her completely ignoring all our rules and her responsibilities, to the point where she was abusive towards us.

    I am so torn about all of this because of the legalizing of pot in many states. For my daughter it was disaster, she lost jobs, friends, family, college and ultimately her home. We made it clear that she could not bring drugs into our homes and we did have to follow that up with calling the police. I hope that your situation does not go that far.

    How are his grades in college? What about his friends, are they respectful? The big scare for me was that she would go on to harder drugs. And of course I could not ignore her behavior at home.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Since pot will soon be legal everywhere, I hav e adjust ed my tbinking to pot as with alcohol. I dont like drunken people around me so that is not allowed in my house. My house/my rules. I also dont choose heavy dri kers as friends. I am aware that alcohol is fine for many people and poisin to some.

    I think of pot the same way. In my sanctuary you must not smoke, cigarettes or pot. No arguments. We want clean lungs. if you dont, pollute them elsewhere. But if you are my kid and can handle pot I am not goingto question you about it or throw you out if you are doing well in life and are not using stronger drugs. If you cant handle it and you are my kid, I will not enable a habit that is changing you for the worst and causing a disrespectful attitude and no motivation. Then, alcohol, pot or both, I will not help my beloved child self destruct.

    I wont hrlp you drive either if I suspect you drink or inhale then drive. I wont help you be able to get into a serious accident.

    Because pot will be legal soon, and most young people dont see it as as bad as alcohol (and I get their point) parents are going to have to decide how far to go regarding pot. That can be touchy if our kids see us drunk or tolerating drunken behavior. To many of them drunken behavior is worse.

    I dont think alcohol or pot makes anyone behave well, but the laws are or will soon be ok with both. I would not make my child leave my house for taking a drink nor for smoking a joint as long as they didnt change for the worse because of iit and also, importantly if it was done elsewhere than my property.

    This is going tobe a huge issue for allof us in coming years. I think that for now we can only see how it affects our own child and decide what we want to do. Now if the adult child is also taking speed or other dangerous drugs, and we may not know that at firsr, to me that is life threatening and needs to be addressed differently.

    We have a lot of thinking to do and most of us areconfused about pot. I dont like the idea of pot but know it will soon be lrgal so hubby and I sat down and talked about it and this is how we are going to deal with it. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it in my opinion. It is a personal choice.
  7. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Child of Mine, you put into words exactly how I feel about my son using marijuana. It is the behavior that we see and live through when he is smoking that we can't allow in our home. He believes that pot puts him in a less anxious better frame of mind. Unfortunately, he is unable to see that he becomes very uptight and irritable, sometimes aggressive, and downright impossible to be around. His grades slip, he breaks all of our rules, he sleeps the days away, and doesn't really care about anyone when smoking. When is he is free of pot for several weeks, his personality comes back and he is a "normal" teen that follows our rules and is a joy to have around. We have gone round and round with him about how it is illegal and we are not going to allow it in our home. After thinking about these posts and your opinions/advice, I plan to try talking to him more about the "behaviors" we see that are unacceptable than marijuana use per se.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I too have been there with pot and other stuff. My son is currently in rehab and doing well, completely his choice this time. I also dont like the idea of pot being legal because of how it can affect people.

    However I have a daughter in college who is doing very well and is a very together young women. I know from talking to her that many many kids smoke pot and drink in college and it is not seen as a big deal. A lot of kids smoke pot and do fine and do not end up with a substance abuse problem.

    That is not to say I would not be worried... I would given his behavior. BUT you cannot control whether he smokes pot or not, or drinks or not. You can try but it wont work and he will lie and find ways around your finding out. So dont make it about the pot because that really is a losing battle. Make it about the behavior. You deserve respect in your home.... How are his grades? He should be working hard at school and/or working at a job.

    We did have to kick our son out of the house because his behavior got so out of line... and i feel at the time we did the only thing we could. But I have to say it was hard, and there was a period when he was homeless and living on the streets and i have to say that is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

    I also think this can be a really hard time with any kid....because as they are finding their independence they pull away too. I know I see this with my daughter to some extent... she doesnt think about me anywhere near how much I think about her.

    It can be hard to figure out what is actually going on.
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Wren!

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you will join us as we walk this road.

    I think most of our kids started with pot and went on to experiment with other things.

    I think you have to analyze the behaviors that your son is exhibiting, not just the drug use. I can't live with an adult that is acting irresponsibly, not following the house rules, and creating chaos.

  10. haunter

    haunter New Member

    Hi there.
    I used to be a cannabis connoisseur and a slight heavy drinker, but you know what made me change that or stop the heaviness of it all? Seeing my Mom is unhappy. If your son can't see how it's affecting his family, the ones that love him and support him, then he truly is, as they say "pretty high," but on his high horse like as if he were the Prince of Egypt or something, you know?

    The best thing to do is to either lecture him or let him continue his own path and let him realize where it is he's messing up in life.