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Substance Abuse
Son told me why he does drugs
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623614" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You can't stop him from killing himself. None of us have that power. If they want to kill themselves, they will, but they won't tell us about it. My own opinion is he is trying to guilt you into keeping up your high degree of monetary support and physical comfort and to keep you in his orbit, doing what he wants you to do. It is typical. They also tend to amp up their childish antics once we cut off the money supply and tell them to walk or stop using drugs. It is also the norm for them to tell us that WE made them take drugs. Yes, we did. They had it SO AWFUL and WE did it so they took drugs. You'd think no other child on earth ever had it so bad. Just them. And we made them addicts just as if we'd put a loaded gun to their head and injected them with the stuff.</p><p></p><p>Um, don't buy it.</p><p></p><p>Divorce is rampant these days. Men leave. Some kids of divorce never take drugs. Some kids with uninvolved fathers make good lives for themselves. in my opinion he is just trying to make you feel bad, like our kids all do. Have you ever read "A Child Called It? about Dave Pelzer whose mom abused him so badly she almost killed him many times? And his father did nothing about it? Well, he is alive and well and doing fine with a wife and child and he is not abusing drugs. It could be worse. Your son probably started taking drugs to be cool with his peers (the bad peers, but they are also the most accepting peers). Maybe he had low self-esteem. How many teenagers don't? Now he's hooked and he wants you to take the blame. He wants you to give up your daughter, your husband and your very ability to love life because he has made horrible choices in HIS life and he wants your focus on HIM...for money, for comfortable living, and for his toys. He will spend that money on drugs. YOu do know he lied to you about the needles, right? Drug addicts don't tell the truth.</p><p></p><p>I have a great book for you: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Here's the link to the book should you decide to read it. It's a five star classic for moms like us, who care too much and have trouble walking away.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396481762&sr=1-1&keywords=melody+beattie+codependent" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396481762&sr=1-1&keywords=melody beattie codependent</a></p><p></p><p>I would stop having heart-to-heart talks with a drug addict. You will not get a true answer or any insight from your son until/unless he is better and in therapy so that he understands himself. He doesn't yet. He may not even know why he started using drugs. At any rate, it is not productive to allow him to abuse you verbally or physically and it is not healthy for him to be allowed to do it either, especially not in your home. Your house, your castle, your rules, you get respect or else he leaves...well, that's MY thought processes anyway...</p><p></p><p>You may want to start going to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meetings. Real life, face time help is in my opinion invaluable. What you learn there is eye-opening and in my opinion again helpful. You learn to take YOUR power back...YOUR life back...even if your adult child is making bad choices and sick. That doesn't mean you should ignore everyone else who loves you and stop being good to yourself. Sounds like husband is a step from leaving and I don't know how daughter feels...probably neglected.</p><p></p><p>You are not your son. He is not you. You are not connected anymore. He is an adult who you gave birth to, but his choices, his acts, his lies, his deeds...they belong to one person...himself. Most of us face the risk of suicide with our difficult children and it's scary, no doubt. But we can not stop them from doing it if that's what they desire, and we don't kill them either unless WE did the deed. I've been on this board for a long, long time. I don't recall any successful suicides. I could be wrong. It happens, but you can not give up your entire life worrying about him doing it. Just taking drugs...he is risking his life. And you can't stop that either. Giving him money and a warm home is not helping him stop. If you give up every good thing in your life for him, you will not make him stop.</p><p></p><p>Only he can make himself stop. Nobody else. Not even the love in your mommy heart.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you are going through this. Stick around. We're on call 24/7 and we are glad you found us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623614, member: 1550"] You can't stop him from killing himself. None of us have that power. If they want to kill themselves, they will, but they won't tell us about it. My own opinion is he is trying to guilt you into keeping up your high degree of monetary support and physical comfort and to keep you in his orbit, doing what he wants you to do. It is typical. They also tend to amp up their childish antics once we cut off the money supply and tell them to walk or stop using drugs. It is also the norm for them to tell us that WE made them take drugs. Yes, we did. They had it SO AWFUL and WE did it so they took drugs. You'd think no other child on earth ever had it so bad. Just them. And we made them addicts just as if we'd put a loaded gun to their head and injected them with the stuff. Um, don't buy it. Divorce is rampant these days. Men leave. Some kids of divorce never take drugs. Some kids with uninvolved fathers make good lives for themselves. in my opinion he is just trying to make you feel bad, like our kids all do. Have you ever read "A Child Called It? about Dave Pelzer whose mom abused him so badly she almost killed him many times? And his father did nothing about it? Well, he is alive and well and doing fine with a wife and child and he is not abusing drugs. It could be worse. Your son probably started taking drugs to be cool with his peers (the bad peers, but they are also the most accepting peers). Maybe he had low self-esteem. How many teenagers don't? Now he's hooked and he wants you to take the blame. He wants you to give up your daughter, your husband and your very ability to love life because he has made horrible choices in HIS life and he wants your focus on HIM...for money, for comfortable living, and for his toys. He will spend that money on drugs. YOu do know he lied to you about the needles, right? Drug addicts don't tell the truth. I have a great book for you: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Here's the link to the book should you decide to read it. It's a five star classic for moms like us, who care too much and have trouble walking away. [URL='http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396481762&sr=1-1&keywords=melody+beattie+codependent']http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396481762&sr=1-1&keywords=melody beattie codependent[/URL] I would stop having heart-to-heart talks with a drug addict. You will not get a true answer or any insight from your son until/unless he is better and in therapy so that he understands himself. He doesn't yet. He may not even know why he started using drugs. At any rate, it is not productive to allow him to abuse you verbally or physically and it is not healthy for him to be allowed to do it either, especially not in your home. Your house, your castle, your rules, you get respect or else he leaves...well, that's MY thought processes anyway... You may want to start going to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meetings. Real life, face time help is in my opinion invaluable. What you learn there is eye-opening and in my opinion again helpful. You learn to take YOUR power back...YOUR life back...even if your adult child is making bad choices and sick. That doesn't mean you should ignore everyone else who loves you and stop being good to yourself. Sounds like husband is a step from leaving and I don't know how daughter feels...probably neglected. You are not your son. He is not you. You are not connected anymore. He is an adult who you gave birth to, but his choices, his acts, his lies, his deeds...they belong to one person...himself. Most of us face the risk of suicide with our difficult children and it's scary, no doubt. But we can not stop them from doing it if that's what they desire, and we don't kill them either unless WE did the deed. I've been on this board for a long, long time. I don't recall any successful suicides. I could be wrong. It happens, but you can not give up your entire life worrying about him doing it. Just taking drugs...he is risking his life. And you can't stop that either. Giving him money and a warm home is not helping him stop. If you give up every good thing in your life for him, you will not make him stop. Only he can make himself stop. Nobody else. Not even the love in your mommy heart. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stick around. We're on call 24/7 and we are glad you found us. [/QUOTE]
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Son told me why he does drugs
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