Son's ex is pregnant and marrying the man she cheated with...fun, fun

[BusynMember]

And my son is freaking out. Honestly, he is still a difficult child and I am going to have to set boundaries with him. Now he is totally worried that ex will sue for custody, now that there are two incomes for a lawyer. He doesn't have that money. I can't give it to him. His father will not give it to him. He will probably lose joint custody of his son when kindergarten starts because they live in two separate school districts.

I know how sick my son feels, but he is angry and has been verbally abusive to me on the phone when I've been trying to help (especially trying to tell him not to predict the future or think that what is happening now will be his fate forever). He has been calling me three times a day to vent and for advice and it is too much. It brings me down and there is nothing I can do for him. The fact is, there may be nothing he can do at all unless he wants to take out a loan to fight custody. He doesn't want to because he has to take out a loan to buy his house next year and with another loan out, he'd be turned down. I told him to give up the house and move closer to her, in J's school district. He has 100 excuses why he can't...I can not do anything other than listen right now, and I'm cutting back on that.

From now on I will let him talk to me once a day for ten minutes. I will mostly just listen because I know he isn't going take any advice I give him, although he claims to want advice. He needs a psychiatrist and medication, but says he can't afford it and makes too much to go to the country clinic...sigh. I 'm wiped out by this. He is far away in Missouri. I told him he'd regret moving (I know him very well), but he's stuck there no w because his son is there. On the other hand, he never makes an effort (always excuses) to meet with the rest of us in Chicago for holidays. I wonder if he has a personality disorder, like I do/did, and is just unwilling to work on himself. I'm so burned out on this and I am pulling back.

I am going to follow this prayer very closely; you all know it. It's another thing to practice it:

God give me the wisdom to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks for reading this vent.

 

[JJJ]

There is no reason that he would lose joint custody just because the child starts kindergarten. Visitation may need to be adjusted if your son cannot get the child to/from school but as long as he can get him to/from school, there is no need for a change.

 

[DDD]

MWM I am truly sorry for your anguish. I understand. I am sending you support and hugs. My hope is that he does not "wig out" so much that he ends up appearing less fit than his Ex or soon to be Ex. You know I am not one of the most religious family members but with-o exaggeration the Serenity Prayer has saved my sanity. I'm glad you are focusing on that prayer of wisdom..short, simple and loaded with guidance. Hugs. DDD

 

[AnnieO]

MWM - first, for YOU:

Shared parenting - AKA joint custody - does not need to be changed due to school. husband and bio had shared, she had "residential" for school district but we had the kids 50% of the time (more, really - and ALL weekends). Until husband won sole custody based on what had happened to the kids (and you know the story).

If your son only makes excused why he CAN'T - then of course he can't. Self-fulfilling prophecy. You are right to limit the calls. And if he is verbally abusive to YOU? GRRRR. Hang up. I know, easier said than done.

FWIW, personality issues aside? I think you are a ROCKIN' mom. (You kicked MY rear when I needed it!)

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, Step, thank you...lol.

You're 100% right. He says "I can't" to everything so he won't. He projects too and already has his ex getting physical custody of Grandson almost all the time. He is often impossible to rationalize with and can be abusive over t he phone. I'm not going to make his divorce my entire life. Facts are (and I am not one to tell HIM "I told you so"), I expressed my worry about her before they married and during his marriage when she almost left him before. I told him she would do it again. I suggested it would be a good idea not to move to Missouri, so far from everyone he knows, (and he is socially phobic), but he got a good job offer with lots of $$$ and he cares more about $$$ than anything and he left. My ex had to pay for the move, by the way. He spent a fortune helping our son move. After he moved, he didn't want ex's family visiting them much so he wouldn't let us visit him much either. Because of that, I never got to know my grandson. And when my son was blissfully unaware that his marriage wasn't good, he barely called me. For most of the last fifteen years my family closeness has been me, my husband, Julie (pastrychef), Sonic and Jumper. His siblings are NOT crazy about him.

Now he wants me to be the one and only person giving him advice, helping him, talking ex into lending him money, etc. and I can't do it all. He needs to go to a divorce support group and make friends in Missouri. He doesn't want to go because they are religious groups, but who cares? Support is support. He's agnostic...but not everyone who joins these groups is super religious...I am going to be sixty years old next year. I have twenty years to lay back and enjoy myself. I don't want to be "everything" to a 34 year old man.

 

[susiestar]

He needs to get a lawyer. They are not divorced and she is preg with another man's child. They may not be ABLE to divorce until after the child is born. In some states, incl the one I live in, you are unable to divorce if the wife is pregnant, regardless of who the father is. The husband is the legal father. Period. DNA makes zero difference and the husband can actually have to pay child support on another man's child. How do I know? My bro set precedent when his girlfriend and her husband divorced. They were separated long before bro met her, but they got preg. Then they learned that her husband was going to be the LEGAL father of my niece. The divorce was the first to occur with a pregnant woman and ONLY happened because bro took ALL responsibility for the child in court. My folks paid for a good atty to help them because the first husband made it clear that he was going to be a real PITA if he was the legal father of the child. Knowing exsil the way I already knew her then, I had a BAD feeling about it all, but I kept my mouth shut. We have wondered about the DNA, but it really doesn't matter at this point - she is my niece, period.

Your son could end up in this situation. He might end up with their child being his legal responsibility. He could either let them control him via support demands, or do what exsil's first h threatened and make their life a total misery demanding all sorts of things for 'his' child.

Your son needs to get an attorney and figure out what his rights are and how/when to have paternity tested and how to either get off the hook for the new child or figure out how to use that to get what he wants for his own child.

I know your son is upsetting you and you really cannot help him with all of this, but you can pass the info along when the timing seems right to you. I do NOT want to upset you with all of this, but until my bro ended up with a married girlfriend who was preg with his child and possibly he could have ended up with another man being the legal father of his child, I didn't even know smethng that strange COULD happen. It has been several years since bro was in that situation, but there are still not many other cases where the courts allowed a divorce if the female was pregnant. Without the father of the baby going to court and taking ALL responsibilities for the child, the divorce has to wait until after the child is born. That way there are 2 adults legally responsible for the child - and the state can go after them if the child needs support.

I hope your son can stop catastrophizing and come up with a plan. Even if the house has to wait or he has to move, the child needs to come first.

 

[Hound dog]

MWM, there may be no divorce for a while..........at least until the new baby is born.

Now, this was some years ago, but my younger bro got caught this way. He left his 1st wife who was neglectful and abusive to their toddler daughter and because he'd caught her cheating on top of it. No more had he the papers filed for divorce, then she popped up preggers. Court would not let the divorce go through until that baby was delivered AND because the baby was born in the marriage was considered bro's bio child. Well, turned out that one was, it was the first one she'd tricked him into marrying her with that wasn't. Court said too bad, that one was his too because it was born in the marriage.

I seriously hope laws like this have since been changed and paternity has to be established for the correct father to be responsible. But you're talking Mo, and I wouldn't be surprised if that is NOT the case.

Son needs a good lawyer, a support group, and to dig in his heels for a long haul. This has the potential to get really messy before it's over.

I know it has got to be hard sitting on the sidelines with nothing really you can do.

((hugs))

 

[susiestar]

I very seriously doubt that the laws have changed. I think if is maybe 6-7 yrs since bro's divorce and that divorce was a BIG DEAL in our state. I think many states may be that way. Of course if the bio father wants to be named the father and to not have your son dictate how the child is raised, then maybe the mother needs to give in on some of the things.

 

[DammitJanet]

I got divorced when I was 6 months pregnant with Cory. That was the only way I could get my ex to sit still to let me serve him with the papers because I threatened to have 10 more kids and as long as we were legally married he was considered the legal father. I was legally married to him when Jamie was born so he is the legal father of Jamie but Tony is the biological father. Jamie has Tony's last name but not my ex's. You dont have to put your last name or your husbands last name as the child's last name. You can put the bio fathers last name. Heck you can name the child Justin Beiber Jr if you want or Donald Trump.

 

[BusynMember]

WEll (and lol Janet), they have been divorced for about five months now. The divorce was probably the fastest in history...six weeks.