Sorry girl, need to vent. Here we go !! Sleepless night again !!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Giulia, Mar 29, 2012.

  1. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Ok girls, I had a discussion (again) with my mom about how do I deal with my dad being mad about his medical exam for his driving license due to his drunk driving.
    Mom was still in her heck that he is unmanageable, that other than pedagogy extreme measures like I did are against her values... Ok, fine.
    Then, she talks about dad wanting to help me for housing and that I wanted to destroy everything. WTH ????? She said that I scornful and such. WTH ?????
    I finally took my big girl panties reminding her that for now, nothing has been done yet, if he helps for housing fine, but otherwise I don't want to expect anything about it. And this is exactly what he did in the past about pocket money or such to beg me not to act on his actions. Conclusion : been there, done that.
    For the housing, wait and see. If I get it, great, otherwise, I won't ruin my health and sanity for it.
    I reminded her that the only moment he accepted to handle at least some responsibilities is when I didn't talk to him and stock to it despite his begs and such. I reminded to my mom that she preferred to cover up his own mistakes instead of taking extreme measures and from it, she was enough a coward. And now, "you want me to feel guilty about a help that hasn't been made up ? You want me to give up ? Not even in your craziest dreams !!".
    She at least accepted to recognize that she participate in his triangulating, which I can be thankful. The first time she recognizes that she played a role in my whole setup to make dad having a medical exam for his driving license.
    I could slap on her face after that, I would do it. Just to put her brain at her place.
    I repeated to her like a broken record : been there, done that.

    I see a therapist I previously had. In France, psychologists are not paid by Social Security, so tdocs are more often than not psychiatrists. Like everywhere, there is the good, the bad and the ugly.
    I hope that he will accept to see dad with me in order to make him understand that driving after a glass is absolutely not ok, whatever he can beg for.
    Especially when he looks like he has drunk a glass even without drinking at all, so no need to worsen his problem furthermore. I am the same when not taking my Concerta.
    Dad falls in the entire category of ADHD despite having always refused to see a specialist and preferring self medicating his symptoms, with his wife "approval" (she somehow approves this behavior, at least for years before she took my diagnosis of ADHD like a slap on her face, as the same time she learns that her son has a dyslexia, as far as I know quite severe). His wife, a .02$ psychologist who probably earned her diploma nowhere else than in a Kinder egg (an Italian expression : Kinder egg is an Italian product. And yes, I speak Italian too) or a pack of cereals, speaks, speaks, speaks, but does not do the slightest thing.
    My sister does what she can and I am relieved that we are on the same page, even the same letter on the same page. Thanks God !!

    I also plan to raise this concern to my GP tomorrow (I have to see her again, I am so often sick with all the stress I have to handle. My finger infection got better but still not completely cleared, so I have to see her back. Grrrrrr) and maybe she has some ideas.
    I could also plan to take an appointment with an approved GP for driving license. I know one I saw about my law fight, but still unsure he would accept to give a lesson to my daddy upon daughter (myself) request. I'm not sure if it's a great idea to make an appointment for that, and I'm not even sure if I can email him for this stuff (he gave me his email address for any stuff about the law I fight about), and because my father can make everything to avoid the appointment.
    At least, I made buy him the therapist appointment with me.
    I am quite freaked out, to be honest ++++++ because I don't have many ideas about plan B in case the therapist doesn't accept (he has no obligation to accept to see my father with me, and I can completely understand should he be reluctant to do so).

    Pfiou, sleepless nights are my worst enemy, as for my ADHD, as for tinnitus, as for everything.
    I desperately need some support, even if it means no advice.

    Any spare big girl therapeutic panties to offer me ??
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am trying hard to piece together exactly what you mean because I know that you are translating from a foreign language. I think you are saying that your father lost his license due to drunk driving and he has to see some sort of doctor or therapist in order to have a chance of getting his license back but you and your mother arent even sure that is a good idea. From other things I have read, it seems your step mother is still enabling your father to do as he wishes which causes you anger.

    I hope you are able to settle your mind and that your doctors are able to help you with this. Hopefully one of your doctors will be able to help you with your dad if that is the best choice. If not, maybe they can recommend a doctor that will be a good fit.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Giulia, I am not entirely sure of the issue you are having, I think the language barrier has come into play. It is a very unusual and yet endearing expression, "big girl therapeutic panties" which made me smile. I hope this is appropriate and that I am understanding your issue, it sounds as if you are insisting that your father be tested for his drivers license because he has driven drunk and that you are attempting to see a Dr. to either verify this or make this test happen. Is that correct?

    Here on this site, many of us have to learn how to focus on ourselves rather then our difficult child's, perhaps your lessons are the same with your Dad? We have to let go and accept what is. We have to understand the difference between what we can control and what we can't control. It all takes time and commitment and help from others, often therapists and support groups. You already have counselors and GP's in your corner, perhaps you can talk to them about enabling your Dad? Or is this a one shot deal, where you are simply attempting to have his license revoked so he can't drive at all?

    I'm sorry if I am not getting the issues correctly. If I am not, please attempt to clarify it for us. Thanks. Hugs to you. And prayers that you get the support and advice you require to make good healthy choices. And my wish that you sleep well and don't worry so much because it is impacting your health in negative ways. God bless you............
  4. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    A few details about the medical exam for driving license.
    He did not lost his license. At least, not yet.
    He had a one year certification and he has to go back with blood analysis within a year. So yeah, he already saw the doctor (two doctors, to be frank. it's how the system works here).
    But I wrote to the administrative service for driving license in order for dad to have a medical exam, in order to see his fitness to drive. Period.
    If the license is suspended, revoked or if he still has his license is only the driving license administration's job, not mine. I contented myself to raise the concern, because yes, I am concerned about his driving after having drunk, even if it's "only a glass with dinner".
    The only problem with his "glass of wine with dinner" if that he already appears like if he had drunk a glass of wine even without drinking. No need to go further and let him drive when he drank.
    He absolutely refuses to realize that, he put the blame on me.
    But the only positive point I can see after some sleep (not such a good sleep :/ ) is that I now can be though about health and safety, and as angry as he can be, he doesn't rage any more. Definitely, these big girl therapeutic panties are a must to deal with such a father (as far as I know, a former difficult child).

    On the "let it go", I do for matters which have no impacts for health or safety, like "he goes to a professional appointment with a Bob the Sponge t-shirt and Mickey Mouse socks". I see no point to battle. I have other more important matters to fight about.
    With my dad, I'd rather pick my battles. I accept to take extreme measures for what it deals with health and safety. Here, the only thing I could do was sending this letter to the administrative service for driving license, making him have a medical exam. Period. What is the outcome of this visit (he got out with one year certification) is absolutely not my job, and not something I can control.

    The tiny tiny path I can use to make him something understand about his drunk driving is getting him to a doctor I know. He won't listen to me if I say that it's not okay, because for him, I am not a legitimate person, I am incompetent for that.
    I say then ok, fine. So if a doctor tells him the same, then he will listen. I will use this strategy. Unfortunately, about health and safety, it's the only strategy which works.
    He already bought the idea of going to my therapist for an explanation, as he does not absolutely listen to me otherwise. A tiny path, but I go for it.
    The only problem is that I am not sure whatever therapist will accept to see him or not (I can completely accept he doesn't want to see my dad). So I am trying to find a plan B in that case, in order to drag my father there. Much easier said than done.

    Before her divorce with my dad, and even after, my mom covered up his mistakes and has always been reluctant for extreme measures, arguing that "it's against my values". She played the tune of "you're disrespectful towards your dad". Her North African Jewish origins, I guess....
    I asked her that since her pedagogy didn't work and that she doesn't want extreme measures, what did she propose then. She didn't know what to answer.
    So I concluded to her that she let me do the job, since she does not want to do the job herself : or she does the job, or she stops criticizing. But she can't do both (she played the same pattern with the law I am fighting against : my reply didn't vary, she had the choice to do the job for me or to stop criticizing. Invariably, she didn't know what to answer).

    The only progress is that he accepts to deal with some of his responsibilities now that I am tough. It's something I can definitively enjoy it, even if having to put my big girl therapeutic panties is often exhausting and not always rewarding.
    But let see on the long run, instead of the short term view of mom.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I understand your concern for the safety of others. But you said you have sent the letter. Beyond that, you are not his parent. You say you let how he dresses "go"...."picking your battles" that seems like you are managing/parenting your father. I dont give my dad's dressing habits a thought...even if I think he is wearing the most goofy outfit ever. It is just off my radar to consider whether to do or not to do anything about it.

    Has it always been like that? I sure hope you can move out and start your own life. This seems unhealthy (but of course I do not fully understand your situation.... and I apologize for is just confusing to me).
  6. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I know I parent my dad, and I am perfectly aware of it.
    The only problem is that he has a 7 years old son, as I said before. At this age, my stepbrother doesn't always discern the good example to the bad example. And even if he were able to do so, he doesn't have the mean to say "no" to dad when it deals with drunk driving, like refusing to sit in the car when dad drank.
    His wife speaks, speaks, speaks but it's only wind.
    There wouldn't be my stepbrother (I remind you that he is 7 years old, not 26 years old like me), I wouldn't have taken the decision to send the letter to the administrative service for driving license.

    Either I parent or not parent my dad, the situation is unhealthy in both of the situations. For the experience I have with him, it is the least evil to parent him. Maybe it would have be different with someone else. I perfectly know that.
    I know it's theoretically not the ideal situation (my mom told me the same), but letting go without doing anything has not given the slightest outcome, the problem even worsens : been there done that. So I won't renew the same mistakes again, I won't "refuse to parent him because it's not acceptable from the society's point of view" and let him endanger someone else, especially his 7 years old son.
    At least, he accepts to go to my therapist (if the therapist agrees). My therapist will probably be more able to explain him, as it is his job. So I do what I can do directly and I give to the persons which is their job to do what I honestly can't do. Unfortunately, it is the only system which works with him.

    If my therapist doesn't agree, I have to find someone else. But who ? Big question. I know some doctors in the field of driving license, unfortunately, as we always say, "the children's shoemaker always go barefoot".
    But it's the doctor's job to explain to dad that drunk driving is absolutely not okay no matter what. Not my job. So I act accordingly, it will fall on the doctor to explain him.
    I did what I could directly control with his driving license, I also can find a doctor to explain him that drunk driving is not okay, and my job stops there.

    I agree with you that I can control my actions. Setting firm boundaries to my dad and sticking to them is an action I can control. My first and foremost boundary is health-safety, that it's not okay to endanger anyone else.
    And it's giving him a service.
    Again, I am aware that it's parenting, but not doing so worsens the situation. been there done that.
    So my solution is picking up my battles, sticking to what is absolutely important no matter what and let the rest go.
    Otherwise, I would be insane ++++++++++++++.

    And yes, he can put goofy clothes if he wants, it's not my problem but his. Outside the field of health and safety, it's not absolutely my problem but his. It's his life, not mine.
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    So, to summarize my issue.
    And yes, I manage/parent my father, but not doing so has always given worse results, as for me as for anyone else : if he doesn't have someone to "parent" him, go for disaster.

    Dad bought the idea of going to my therapist after he had to get a medical exam for his driving license (I made him to get this medical exam).
    But therapist may not agree to receive my dad.
    So in backup plan, I can speak to my GP. Again, not sure she would accept to speak to dad. I can ask her this afternoon (I have to go for my finger on which the infection has not completely cleared).
    Another backup plan would be making an appointment to a GP which is a specialist of fitness to drive. I know one, he is also a top specialist (he even gave me his email address for the issues related to the law I am fighting against). But I'm not sure he would agree to receive me and dad for a lesson to dad about drunk driving. Maybe finding someone else, but not sure also they would accept to give a lesson to my dad....

    Other ideas of backup plans girls ?
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    It is such a different system there so I can't imagine what to do. Here if you drive drunk it is a legal issue. The judge and court system say if you can drive or not. My sister got ONE dui (driving under the influence of alchohol) and she lost her license for two months automatically, even before court. Then the judge gave her her sentence, going to classes, she got her license back but it is provisional (for a while only used for work and day time driving)etc. She had never ever had one problem with the law, does not have a drinking problem, just didn't realize she was slightly over the limit. She actually drove because the others with her were drunk. Doctors have nothing to do with it in our system.

    It is quite interesting how your system works.

    So, if you choose to not parent your dad, you feel he would hurt someone? Or he would have problems himself? I am sorry you are burdened with that. I think it is important to love and care for our parents when they become ill etc. I am not saying to ignore your dad of course. I am just thinking that it is different when he is making poor choices. I hope you can find some relief.
  9. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Interestingly, he has managed to never being caught while drunk driving. I don't know why, and let understand why.
    Also here it's a legal issue if the police catch you while drunk driving. Court, medical exam, suspending or revoking license and so on.

    I preferred to prevent this situation from happening, and especially the accident, by letting him having a medical exam at the administrative service for driving license.
    His license's outcome is not my job, but their job.

    I worry for his son, my stepbrother. He is only 7 years old. He is not old enough to refuse and not being influenced by dad's beg to go into the car when dad drank.
    With his poor choices, he nearly had a car accident with my sister and I (like in a mountain road). Dad is also very impulsive, and self medicating does not help at all. Once, he asked me a Ritalin to make is work. I refused telling him that Ritalin is not a candy, medicines have side effects and I won't let him to take these kind of medicines without medical supervision. He turned out to self medicating again. WTH
    He adopted his son (WTH !! His wife is a psychologist, so it was easy for them to impress social worker and psychologist despite dad's poor choices), open adoption in the US (his wife is American, important detail. *sight* ).
    So not only I care about my stepbrother, who doesn't have the possibility to manage such a situation, but I also care more than his mother (she can pretend she suffers, I don't absolutely care : even on her death bed, I am not there for her. She has no duty towards me and I have no duty towards her).

    I can reasonably be afraid of an accident to happen with my 7 years old stepbrother, as my dad can be very impulsive and I don't like his self medication for relieving his symptoms.

    Yesterday, he made us such a crisis about a fear for being in a police file. He was paranoic that if he were inside this file, his wife may not ask French citizenship.
    I replied to mom that I don't care, he has to manage his poor choices and their consequences, and if his wife cannot ask French citizenship, be it. It should not absolutely be my problem at all, but his and his poor choices. His wife will also have to manage his poor choices too.
    Mom told me that it was my fault and I should avoid the nuclear war in this family. My reply was he chooses to drink a glass, I cannot make this choice for him, he is the ultimate to make it. I added that if he wants to self medicate, it's his choice not mine, and this choice has consequences.
    Here we go, sleepless night again !! That sucks !!

    When will this nightmare end ??

    I hope I will be able to repair my friend's computer today, with such a tiredness from sleepless nights....
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    It wouldn't be possible to write a letter to anyone here and have them force a doctor's exam on another because we know this person drives drunk. So we don't know how to help you with a plan B because we wouldn't even have a plan A in this regard. Does that make sense? Our system doesn't allow for something like this. They cannot do anything here until the driver has been caught. The only thing we can do is call the police and report a drunk driver when we see one and hope that the police catch up to them on the road.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH sweetie, this is such a mess. Why in heck does your mom care about your dad who is remarried ? (do I understand that right?) The whole convoluted thing is crazy making... is the 7 year old your mom's kid or the other wife's kid? I DO understand you worrying about him... I didn't realize that there was an issue like that. Here, that would be cause to call Child Protective Services. He is endangering your brother's life. We can do that anonymously here, can you? I know he would suspect you but in the end the important thing is your brother.
  12. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I could do it. But as my dad is (a journalist), and as his wife is a psychologist, it may end to Court and such. So I would be in the mess more than it's already the mess, especially for me. It may turn against me.
    So yeah, better being extra careful with those two. Especially his wife, the .02$ psychologist.
    My 7 years old stepbrother is their kid.

    Mom cares because the perspective of a family war does NOT make her happy at all.
    This story of French citizenship may end up in a family war, as I know my dad and his super stupid wife.

    Dad understood that he needs to quiet himself before we talk together.
    Probably in a few days/weeks, he will be able to hear that I did it for his own good and for his son's good. Now he is not. I let him blow up like a big boy, then we speak when he quiets himself (which always happens earlier or later been there done that).
    I made an appointment to my therapist on Tuesday.

    And to give some positive in such a mess, better a medical exam right now than seeing him caught by the police or in an accident : if he gets caught by the police for drunk driving, then, his wife has some chance not to be able to request French citizenship because he will be in the police file (for this drunk driving). Now, he can avoid it by this administrative path I set up.
    So in this whole mess, I can see some positive sides. At least, it's a way to tell dad that drunk driving is absolutely not okay and also, we avoid the double mess of social services, the risk of a Court against me and so on. And he knows that I stick to it even if he begs and such.
    At least, I gave him consequences for his actions, but we avoided a penal path which would have led to much more damaging consequences (money, my stepbrother who will receive more damages than ever whereas it's not his fault....).
    In the meantime, I have to stay strong, and not to give in towards him and towards mom (who is such a fearful of conflict that with him, she gave in way too much : with him, she is weak because she fears of the conflict to such a point....). So I have to put on my big girl therapeutic panties, and move on.
    For me, it's the essential right now.
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Oh, Giulia, I'm sorry to be irreverent but... this is such a delicious phrase :) I cannot help imagining what these panties look like and it has given me a good laugh which is much needed as I sit here at the computer translating the memoirs of a French president... (Hey, maybe the French contigent is slowly taking over this forum :kickedoutsmile:)
    Beyond that, I do hope you come to a peaceful place with what sounds like more than averagely complex family dynamics.
  14. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I understand what you say.

    He already had the official medical exam (he has to go back within a year, and he may end with having regular exams. Let treat it like occupational medicine, there is no reason to go on crisis).

    My only idea is having someone in between for giving him the whole explanation : I can't do it alone, he won't listen. If I bring a professional between both, then he will listen. been there done that, especially when he asked me to stop taking my medicines (for my ADHD). I had to stay strong and psychiatrist lectured him, it's the only way to make him listen.
    Same for my deafness : unless he didn't see my ENT doctor, my deafness didn't exist. been there done that
    As it's the only way to make him understand, be it, and let use this mean to make him understand.

    The plan A is bringing my dad to my therapist. It would be the best solution, because therapist would explain to him that not only it's absolutely not ok to drunk drive, but also that I did it for his and my stepbrother's sake. However, my therapist may not agree to see my dad with me.

    If it doesn't work with therapist, I can ask to my GP to speak to him, of course, when I'm here with him. But also, not sure she would accept.

    Another possibility is seeing an approved GP for driving license, but outside an official medical exam (because let be realistic, the approved doctors don't care only about the driving license stuff, they also see patients outside any administrative stuff). Just to make him understand that it's absolutely not ok to drunk drive, and that I did it for his own sake and that yes, it's a real problem.
    But I'm not sure that an approved GP would accept to give him a lesson upon daughter's request. Even if I know some approved GPs.
    I could also ask in the sleep center where I will be cared for my ADHD to give him a lesson about it, but also, not sure they would accept.

    Any other ideas ?
  15. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    If it can give you a happy day, let make you a happy day :)

    I think that my big girl therapeutic panties may be pink, blue and white.
    Or purple with yellow polka dots.
    Why not making them as yellow as Bob the Sponge ?