The other week my wife and I were looking after our niece and nephew 4 and 5 and we were in a store and she was misbehaving not listening and she threatened to spank her which she then cooperated. I notced someone who I believe was following us for a while which I cannot prove anything but my gut tells me she wanted to know if she was really going to spank her. Is it still acceptable to spank someone?
spanking a child
- Thread starter scott4431
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DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I have no idea where you are from but in most places, yes it is still fine to spank a child if you are talking about a normal spanking such as a open hand to the butt cheeks. Not a beating. My opinion is that God put the padding there for a reason...lol. It says in your post that the child is 5 which is still a fairly normal age for a spanking.
Down here in the south it is the most common thing done. My grand kids are spanked routinely. Nothing major...a swat here or there for misbehaving. I have found just the threat tends to keep my oldest in line. With her now its getting out of her carseat that is causing me to have to threaten it right now. Well it was, she has moved now so I wont be seeing her for awhile but I know her mom and step-dad spank.
You will get differing opinions on this board though because it doesnt work with lots of kids with behavior problems. More normal kids tend to get the message though.
Down here in the south it is the most common thing done. My grand kids are spanked routinely. Nothing major...a swat here or there for misbehaving. I have found just the threat tends to keep my oldest in line. With her now its getting out of her carseat that is causing me to have to threaten it right now. Well it was, she has moved now so I wont be seeing her for awhile but I know her mom and step-dad spank.
You will get differing opinions on this board though because it doesnt work with lots of kids with behavior problems. More normal kids tend to get the message though.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
All I can say is... In Ohio, it is acceptable - within limits.
One or two swats on the rear end, with an open hand, in an attempt not to hurt but to get attention, is OK. The intent, though, is hard to prove.
My husband got a protective order against him for swatting my stepdaughter at age 12. Of course, the kids' bio mom swore it was a studded belt (that he did not own), and when she took the child to the ER, there were no marks. Hours later, at the police station, there were fresh marks; they should have been at least 2 days old at that time. Still, the CPO was written. I testified about it - daughter, too (poor kid, BM told her she had to) - and the CPO was vacated. A couple of years later, I witnessed this woman grab Onyxx's arm and yank her over, leaving red marks and later bruising that was verified and documented when I called the police - but they did nothing about it. It was "a reasonable action for a child who was not listening".
FWIW? I'd say don't do it.
One or two swats on the rear end, with an open hand, in an attempt not to hurt but to get attention, is OK. The intent, though, is hard to prove.
My husband got a protective order against him for swatting my stepdaughter at age 12. Of course, the kids' bio mom swore it was a studded belt (that he did not own), and when she took the child to the ER, there were no marks. Hours later, at the police station, there were fresh marks; they should have been at least 2 days old at that time. Still, the CPO was written. I testified about it - daughter, too (poor kid, BM told her she had to) - and the CPO was vacated. A couple of years later, I witnessed this woman grab Onyxx's arm and yank her over, leaving red marks and later bruising that was verified and documented when I called the police - but they did nothing about it. It was "a reasonable action for a child who was not listening".
FWIW? I'd say don't do it.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I am not sure about all states, but I believe a smack to a diapered bottom is fine and probably it would be dismissed by any social worker if it doesn't leave a mark. However, be careful about really hard smacks that leave marks, blows to the head and face, and try to look calm when you are spanking. If you look like an angry maniac you are more apt to get attention for it (also if you are cussing). I doubt one smack is going to make most reasonable folks pull out t he cell phone and call social services. But there are people who do believe in never spanking. in my opinion it's best done for the most extreme behaviors, such as safety issues, but I'd never turn anyone in for a reasonable one-time smack to the butt (with clothes on). If I saw anyone slapping a child on the face or yelling and looking dangerous or threatening, I probably would. And I work with school kids. If they have marks on them, we HAVE to call CPS.
Careful... These are not YOUR kids. So, part of the answer is going to depend on what is done in their nuclear family.
We did some, when the kids were really small - but NEVER in public. And never by anyone except us. We taught them at home how to behave, and got what we taught, in public... unless they were overtired/overwhelmed. We soon learned that the answer in public wasn't discipline - THEY had a real need. So we just responsed to the need and shut down the outing.
For your own future kids, you might want to read:
Kids are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso
Its a whole different approach to the discipline thing.
We did some, when the kids were really small - but NEVER in public. And never by anyone except us. We taught them at home how to behave, and got what we taught, in public... unless they were overtired/overwhelmed. We soon learned that the answer in public wasn't discipline - THEY had a real need. So we just responsed to the need and shut down the outing.
For your own future kids, you might want to read:
Kids are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso
Its a whole different approach to the discipline thing.
DDD
Well-Known Member
I would not spank anyone's child other than my own. Truthfully as a young Mom I thought that spanking was acceptable but I changed my mind pdq. The thing about spanking is that it is the easy option whereas time outs or withdrawing the child (when shopping for example) is inconvenient for the parents. When alone I had to sometimes just leave with-o completing my purchases which I definitely didn't want to do, lol. on the other hand the lesson was, in my humble opinion, better taught that way. By the age of 3 and 4 if the child is beyond verbal control or handholding...out the door is a good option. Besides, often times the behavior is triggered because the child is overtired, hungry or thirsty rather than defiance. Just my two cents worth. DDD
ready2run
New Member
i would not be likely to spank another persons kid unless they had given permission and i know the kid is used to getting spanks and i would have to be a regular part of the kids life.
as for spanking in general i have spanked my kids. difficult child needs a good swat as 'behaviour management' because unfortunately it seems to be the only way to get anything into that head of his. he does not care about time outs, or losing toys/priviledges. he doesn't like spanks though so we use them as a tool with him. the other kids will get a swat on the butt occasionally for out of control behaviour and extreme defiancy basically as a last resort. my oldest hasn't had a spank in years, and at 12 i feel she is well past the age where spanking is appropriate.
as for spanking in general i have spanked my kids. difficult child needs a good swat as 'behaviour management' because unfortunately it seems to be the only way to get anything into that head of his. he does not care about time outs, or losing toys/priviledges. he doesn't like spanks though so we use them as a tool with him. the other kids will get a swat on the butt occasionally for out of control behaviour and extreme defiancy basically as a last resort. my oldest hasn't had a spank in years, and at 12 i feel she is well past the age where spanking is appropriate.
The only person who can answer this is the child's parents...
Do THEY find it acceptable that you spank their kids?
In more general terms...
as stated above, laws regarding corporal punishment are determined by your state. In some states, yes, spanking is still legally acceptable.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
See thats it, I am grandma and I have a wonderful working relationship with the mother of my granddaughter. We wont even talk about my son because he just accepts that I know best when parenting...lol. Keyana's mom has no issue's with whatever we do with Keyana. We are free to parent her how we see fit. I can probably count on one hand how many times she has been popped on the butt or the hand for attempting to touch something she shouldnt by us...now her momma? Probably a whole lot more because her mom and other grandma are raising 3 kids...lol.
april1974
New Member
My mother in law babysits the twins for us while we work and she has free rein, she can spank, time out, etc....she spends alot of time with our boys and I know how much she adores them & loves them so I know when she disciplines it's out of love....however I would not feel comfortable with an aunt or uncle spanking them if they just had them for the day or saw them sparatically. When daughter was young and my sister babysat she was allowed to spank but she didn't believe in it so it was never a concern anyways.
I think it depends on the relationship with the kids....I would never spank my neice or nephew if I had them for the day and I used to take them lot's...I would do a time out or just speak with them about a behaviour I didn't like. But that's just my comfort level.
aeroeng
Mom of Three
When I was pregnant with my first son, I asked the question to spank or not to spank? I asked many individuals how were they disciplined and what would they recommend. Most recommended how they were raised whether it included spanking or not. I also found out that it did not seem to make a significant difference. Most kids came out well adjusted and responsible adults regardless of whether they were spanked or not. Kids that were never disciplined were miserable kids to be around but most grew up well. The most enjoyable adults (the ones that think about other people's feelings before saying or doing something) seemed to be disciplined not with spanking but with guilt. The individuals who had been spanked the most (and some to a beating level) seemed to have the most interesting stories about things they did as kids. (set the barn on fire, got the neighbors in a mob frenzy ect.) I'm not sure if they needed the spankings the most or if because of the level of spankings regularly received they did not care anymore. Regardless they too became stable contributing adults and felt their parents did a good job of raising them.
What seemed to make the biggest difference is whether or not they received attention from an adult. Kids on these pages don't fall in to the same place that most kids fall. When mental health is involved the game is different. Too many times the child's behavior is blamed on the parent, when in reality it is due to the mental health of the child. And it would not have made a single bit of difference whether the parent used spanking or not.
For us, we tried spanking and it never seemed to make any difference. It just did not hurt enough to change the behavior. When they were small timeouts worked much better. When they were older, learning how not to over react, reflecting and the types of skills taught by Dr. Green worked the best for us.
What seemed to make the biggest difference is whether or not they received attention from an adult. Kids on these pages don't fall in to the same place that most kids fall. When mental health is involved the game is different. Too many times the child's behavior is blamed on the parent, when in reality it is due to the mental health of the child. And it would not have made a single bit of difference whether the parent used spanking or not.
For us, we tried spanking and it never seemed to make any difference. It just did not hurt enough to change the behavior. When they were small timeouts worked much better. When they were older, learning how not to over react, reflecting and the types of skills taught by Dr. Green worked the best for us.
Given that you are the aunt and uncle, it is not an easy answer. If husband's sister felt the need to spank one of my kdis when they were little? NO problem - they likely had gone so far over the line that a LOT more was warranted - not beating or antyhing, but most likely I would be the type to take them home and not let them go back for a while. But she saw them af ew times a year and it was Disneyland with her (not the place, the everything so fun and wonderful attitude).
But if MY brother watned to spank them? I would file a report for assault. He was and is very abusive to me and my kids. NOTHING they do is good enough for him ever. NOTHING. He rarely spanks his own daughter but would beat my child for half of what she does. Literally half and literally beat them black and blue. We were warned wehn we moved back to this area near my family that he was NOT fit to be left alone with them by the PEDIATRICIAN. My mother let him take them for a morning at the lake when they were visiting her. He kept them out in the hot sun for 8 hours and refused to let them put on sunscreen. My daughter was almost hospitalized because it - and had to make four trips to the pediatrician in less than a week to treat and monitor the burns. She and my son had burns that were almost 2 inches across - their medical files have photos of this in them with a ruler to show the scale.
Even before that he didn't babysit because the ONE time he did - for 2 hours, he rearranged every closet we had and our kitchen cabinets. He also did something that scared our 2yo son into hiding until we came home. Never did find out what he did, but our son did NOT hide even for hide and seek.
A LOT depends on where you are and what relationship you have with the family. To be safe, don't spank any child that isn't yours.
I will say that I used to threaten my kids with a "lickin'". I was once followed around a large grocery store until the little old lady saw me give my son his "lickin". I reached out, grabbed his hand and LICKED it. Yuck, yes. But FAR more effective than a spanking for him. He HATED that and would do a LOT most of the time to avoid it. It was non-violent, didn't hurt him in any way, but was far more effective than any spanking ever was. So if you can find something else that will work, it will make things a lot easier on you. My son, now 19, laughs about his "lickins'" but remembers how much he hated them and how they worked better than many things we could have done. Just something to think about.
But if MY brother watned to spank them? I would file a report for assault. He was and is very abusive to me and my kids. NOTHING they do is good enough for him ever. NOTHING. He rarely spanks his own daughter but would beat my child for half of what she does. Literally half and literally beat them black and blue. We were warned wehn we moved back to this area near my family that he was NOT fit to be left alone with them by the PEDIATRICIAN. My mother let him take them for a morning at the lake when they were visiting her. He kept them out in the hot sun for 8 hours and refused to let them put on sunscreen. My daughter was almost hospitalized because it - and had to make four trips to the pediatrician in less than a week to treat and monitor the burns. She and my son had burns that were almost 2 inches across - their medical files have photos of this in them with a ruler to show the scale.
Even before that he didn't babysit because the ONE time he did - for 2 hours, he rearranged every closet we had and our kitchen cabinets. He also did something that scared our 2yo son into hiding until we came home. Never did find out what he did, but our son did NOT hide even for hide and seek.
A LOT depends on where you are and what relationship you have with the family. To be safe, don't spank any child that isn't yours.
I will say that I used to threaten my kids with a "lickin'". I was once followed around a large grocery store until the little old lady saw me give my son his "lickin". I reached out, grabbed his hand and LICKED it. Yuck, yes. But FAR more effective than a spanking for him. He HATED that and would do a LOT most of the time to avoid it. It was non-violent, didn't hurt him in any way, but was far more effective than any spanking ever was. So if you can find something else that will work, it will make things a lot easier on you. My son, now 19, laughs about his "lickins'" but remembers how much he hated them and how they worked better than many things we could have done. Just something to think about.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
lol susie. I spanked my kids plenty of times growing up and they will tell you they deserved every one of them and probably a few more we didnt give them. But the one thing I did do to them that is remembered most, I did when Jamie was 4.5 and Cory was 2.5.
Now do remember these were two of the most hyperactive kids on the planet and on this particular day they had driven me past the point of distraction. It was probably mid to late afternoon right before their dad came home so they were really riled up and I was trying to get supper ready too. Well, I had had enough and they were running through the house screaming at the top of their lungs and I grabbed them both up in my arms and sat them down in two ladder back chairs. I tied each of their hands behind their backs with tube socks and made them stare at each other for maybe 3 minutes tops until they stopped screaming at each other and started giggling.
Then I untied them and I went back to fixing dinner and they calmed down and watched tv.
Well...all these years later, I dont hear about spankings but I hear about them being tied up with socks!!!!
Now do remember these were two of the most hyperactive kids on the planet and on this particular day they had driven me past the point of distraction. It was probably mid to late afternoon right before their dad came home so they were really riled up and I was trying to get supper ready too. Well, I had had enough and they were running through the house screaming at the top of their lungs and I grabbed them both up in my arms and sat them down in two ladder back chairs. I tied each of their hands behind their backs with tube socks and made them stare at each other for maybe 3 minutes tops until they stopped screaming at each other and started giggling.
Then I untied them and I went back to fixing dinner and they calmed down and watched tv.
Well...all these years later, I dont hear about spankings but I hear about them being tied up with socks!!!!
I don't care if someone else spanks their own child, but I think you shouldn't do it in public only because there are people who would call the cops, I think. Don't risk it. Personally, I didn't. My dad beat me, and I mean with belts, closed fists and black eyes. I know it's not what you're talking about. For me, I could never because of that. Although they probably could have used it on occasion. Do what's best for you.
C
cmfout
Guest
I have spanked my kids - open hand on their bottom, through their clothes. It was always a last resort thing though, never a part of normal life. That said - if anyone else, family or not, had spanked them there would have been hell to pay. in my opinion that's a job for the parents or full time caregiver.
Great points. Everyone is right that since we aren't the parents it becomes even more gray of a situation. While we didn't do it that time in the store, it has happened once in a while, which the parents were 100% behind us. Also it makes sense that spanking is only effective to children who are not developmentally challenged.
As for depends on what state you are in, I live in Wisconsin, not sure on the local laws to be honest.
Susiestar, that lickin is an excellent idea, also I started laughing at your tubesocks idea damnit jannet, but that is something I don't think I'd do to anyone ever, except to maybe restrain a burglar while waiting for the police. I am just curious, when you did that Janet, what year was that?
As for depends on what state you are in, I live in Wisconsin, not sure on the local laws to be honest.
Susiestar, that lickin is an excellent idea, also I started laughing at your tubesocks idea damnit jannet, but that is something I don't think I'd do to anyone ever, except to maybe restrain a burglar while waiting for the police. I am just curious, when you did that Janet, what year was that?
I would much rather see a kid getting a spank in public (as long as it is not done in anger and meaness) than what I normally see - Kid is unruly so parent will often yell at (not the scolding type but the screaming at type), push down, ignore, or threaten just hoping the kid will want to behave. Yep, a spanking is swift and in most cases puts an end to the misbehavior. If not, then a time out in the vehicle with the adult standing outside the car (of course only when the temperature of the vehicle is comfortable - do not do in extreme heat or cold).
Spanking is not punishment if done properly and in the right mind frame. If I see a child getting a spanking that is going over the line into abuse and then it should be reported.
I wonder how quick are people to call the cops on a parent who is yelling at a child or threatening them as they are for spanking? In my opinion, the constant yelling and threatening is much worse to the child's development than the occasional swat to the buttocks.
And like everything else, spanking is not always an option depending on the child. If it does not work when done properly, then don't use it.
Spanking is not punishment if done properly and in the right mind frame. If I see a child getting a spanking that is going over the line into abuse and then it should be reported.
I wonder how quick are people to call the cops on a parent who is yelling at a child or threatening them as they are for spanking? In my opinion, the constant yelling and threatening is much worse to the child's development than the occasional swat to the buttocks.
And like everything else, spanking is not always an option depending on the child. If it does not work when done properly, then don't use it.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
What year? well...Probably 1989 or so...lol. And my middle son has still not forgotten it or forgiven me. He has even written me a song about it and plays it on his guitar to torture me whenever I go visit and he has friends over...lmao.
