Speak now or forever hold your peace...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I don't think difficult child and E should get married...at least not until he squares away all the bs with his visitation and support for his boys through the courts. They still live with his parents and it's causing difficult child A LOT of stress and anxiety...she is having regular anxiety attacks, has to take Xanax again and she's crying often...her pmdd is off the charts.

    I went with her to her therapist tonight and filled in some gaps and conferred with the therapist about diagnosis, etc. Turns out the tcod never told difficult child that she has harmful Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)...she just wondered aloud to difficult child is that could be something to think about. difficult child, of course, heard otherwise.

    Anyway, there are just so many issues that they need to iron out...I don't see how they will be able to iron out those details and be able to move out to their own place before they marry, so why are they marrying?

    We are supposed to get together and go over some wedding planning details in the following week...and they want me to help them put together a budget so they can save money for an apt and to pay down debt....would it be wrong for me to suggest they postpone the wedding so they have more time to get their poopy together?
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Not wrong to suggest it, but don't be surprised if they shoot you down.

    I wonder how E's parents feel about them getting married with E and their grandchildren still living in their home?? I mean, well........would never happen in my home. You got enough money to marry, you've got enough money to move out, regardless of whatever else you've got going on. Don't have enough to move out, then guess what.......you don't have enough to support another person. phht

    Is the wedding causing difficult child stress and anxiety? Or is it the visitation/child support issue that she has no real reason at this stage to be fretting over to that degree? A case of cold feet but not wanting to admit it maybe?

    Sorry. I'm old fashioned. If a man isn't already standing on his own two feet, then he doesn't need to be thinking about marriage. (same for a female) Yup bad economy and court battles are expensive. Even more reason these two need to think about this some more.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm even more old-fashioned. Both parties had doggone better be doing a GOOD job of looking after themselves LONG before they get married. But... as to how you get THEM to see that, it's probably a tough sell.
     
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    E only has the boys on Sundays so it's E and difficult child only living there with his parents, who are both in their 60's. The mom likes E being home --- she charges them a ridiculous rent and I think she does that specifically to prevent them from moving out. But they have no privacy and there's only one bathroom.

    Anyway, difficult child could be getting cold feet but the wedding is a year away and she said in the tdocs office that her biggest stressor is from living at E's parents house-his mom is a meddler and drives difficult child crazy.

    I'm going to feel her out before we all meet together.

    On an another note, tomorrow I have to tell difficult child that we are putting Sophie down on Friday. Sucky week.

    Thanks for the feedback.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How did they do when they were on their own? Pre-living with E's parents. I think that would be more of an indicator of how they would do with a marriage. If and only if they can be together out of his parents house once married that is.
     
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    They did okay...not so great at managing their money, but in all other ways okay. difficult child is not the doer in the relationship...E is. He is the cook, he likes things clean, he does the laundry, etc. She will help, but he is the one who usually does it or starts it. I think that may become an issue, but E really doesn't seem to mind at all. I think if they were in their own place, difficult children stress would diminish greatly and they would be able to stabilize a lot of the bs in their lives.
     
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I think they need to get their koi lined up in a row... LOL I know, metaphors being mixed. However, getting them to listen... Yeah, sure.

    When husband and I got married, we didn't have the kids' situation worked out. But we knew it could be YEARS. Neither one of us were in an all-fired hurry to get married, but we also knew chances at custody were a LOT better if we were. And by the time we did, we'd been together a couple of years, we knew it was going to happen - the question was simply the date. Throwing a tentative date at the Childrens Services people actually did help, too - went from every-other-weekend and 3-hours-on-Wednesdays to every weekend, every other Thurs-Sun and the opposite Fri-Sun. It was the start.

    But, in difficult child & E's case - doesn't seem like that's it. And if difficult child's anxiety is due to her future mother in law... They gotta get out. My mother in law makes me nuts but at least I don't live with her.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd say then for difficult child, at least, they should be out of that house before they marry. Living with someone else is a stressor. Living with your future in laws is a huge stressor. It's going to eventually do damage to the relationship, especially if it's already bothering her this much.

    Nichole never "lived" with her husband's parents. But up until a few years ago boyfriend did and they spent the majority of their time in that house. Nichole and her mother in law clashed at times, Nichole had no patience with the woman whatsoever. Now that they've had their own place all this time.......Nichole is seeing mother in law is not such a bad person. Oh, she has her annoying quirks and such, but overall, Nichole is seeing her differently......learning things are not always as they seem on the surface and is very slowly developing a new different relationship with her.

    It was having the controlling in your face behavior right there all the time that was driving Nichole nuts. Having their own place let Nichole place boundaries. And she certainly sticks to them. lol
     
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's always nice to have your own space. When our upstairs addition is completed, which should be in the next couple of months, we will have a large spare room. In my head I've already chosen the paint color and how I will set up the room so that there is a little sitting area for ME and my crocheting and sewing and to read comfortably. on the other hand, if difficult child does move back home, it will become her room instead. Hahaha.

    We are having coffee this morning and I asked her if she's considered moving her wedding date to spring of 2014 instead of summer of 2013 and she said 'Ive thought of it..." so I don't know but it sounds like she is at least thinking about things, their future, etc. She said she would move back home in a heartbeat but she can't leave her little dog...and she can't bring it here because I'm allergic.
     
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